Re: Stares...

[Guest guest]

Folks out in public can be so cruel and ignorant. My son is transported in a wheelchair and likes to have a big blanket around him for comfort, even when it is very hot outside. His face is usually a big, bruised mess from punching himself and digging into the skin of his face with his fingernails. People most likely think that he is being physically abused at home. This is what his Mom used to always think when getting many stares out in public. At this point in time, I really do not care anymore and I bring my son out all the time. Let someone call the abuse hotline or the authorities on us, maybe my son will then get all the help he really needs.

Barry

[Guest guest]

,

I so " feel " what you are saying.And the advice from your friend is golden! I'm a

single mom so alot of what/where I go I take my son with me.I have yet to have

an experience where someone said something to me or about my son in my presence

but as you said the looks and stares say a thousand words.That was beautiful

what you wrote about your daughter,it really captures the way you all truely

" see " your daughter.It's so important for us as parents to instill confidence

and security in our kids because the world can be so blind.I've reacted the same

way your husband did,many times..it just made me so mad! I wish they knew how

much he's overcome and how his heart is so pure and innocent..things they could

never tell in just a glance.

Stacey

From: " E. Stoecker " <emilystoecker@...>

Date: 2006/08/27 Sun PM 01:21:09 CDT

" Stoecker@... " <Stoecker@...>

Subject: Stares...

We went to the Crayola Factory yesterday in Easton Pennsylvania. I was

once given a wonderful piece of advice from a friend of mine. She said

that when you go out somewhere, focus only on your child and the joy on

their face, not the people around you.

My husband really hadn't been out on a family exploration with us since

Disney World. He was wheeling Sophie and seemed really mad. I asked him

what was wrong and he just tensed up and said " What the h*ll is everyone

staring at, ? What are they looking at? "

I looked up and reckognized the situation. People looking at a big girl

in a " Special Needs Stroller " as we call it. A normal appearing child

whose fingers couldn't roll the paper around a crayon during the " how to

make crayons " presentation. She would repeat herself and rock and chew

her hands when those colorful crayons came up through the mold.

I had forgotten that hasn't had " The Pleasure " of learning to

zone out the rest of the world when you're out in public.

I just wish people would realize that their eyes can hurt just as much

as words.

Tell me that you're looking at her because she's so remarkably

beautiful

....And not because you see her in a wheelchair

Tell me that you're looking at her because you're amazed at the unique

things she is creating

....And not because you see that we hold her weak hands to help her do

them

Tell me that you're looking at her because she is singing with joy

....And not because you see her rocking and moaning.

Tell me that you're looking at her soul

....And not her disability

-

www.walknow.org/newyork/teamsophieschoice

YM and AOL IM handle: LittleSmokes1978

[Guest guest]

Barry, my grandson Karac loves to have a blanket for comfort too. I keep one in the car for him all the time. I even take it into the rec. sometimes when I think he might need it. I take it in with him when I take him to the movies. I have never even given a thought to what other people might think, and he is 5' 6 and weighs about 150! Pat K

[Guest guest]

Barry, my grandson Karac loves to have a blanket for comfort too. I keep one in the car for him all the time. I even take it into the rec. sometimes when I think he might need it. I take it in with him when I take him to the movies. I have never even given a thought to what other people might think, and he is 5' 6 and weighs about 150! Pat K

[Guest guest]

You can't worry about what others think. They don't know the daily struggles and high stress levels that our families live with. People always make comments about my kids (to my face or behind my back). In the elevator, grocery store, basically anywhere out in public. My kids can't help the condition they are in. I can't make them 'normal' for public viewing. Do what is best for your kids. It's the only thing that matters.

Sara

Re: Stares...

Barry, my grandson Karac loves to have a blanket for comfort too. I keep one in the car for him all the time. I even take it into the rec. sometimes when I think he might need it. I take it in with him when I take him to the movies. I have never even given a thought to what other people might think, and he is 5' 6 and weighs about 150! Pat K

[Guest guest]

You can't worry about what others think. They don't know the daily struggles and high stress levels that our families live with. People always make comments about my kids (to my face or behind my back). In the elevator, grocery store, basically anywhere out in public. My kids can't help the condition they are in. I can't make them 'normal' for public viewing. Do what is best for your kids. It's the only thing that matters.

Sara

Re: Stares...

Barry, my grandson Karac loves to have a blanket for comfort too. I keep one in the car for him all the time. I even take it into the rec. sometimes when I think he might need it. I take it in with him when I take him to the movies. I have never even given a thought to what other people might think, and he is 5' 6 and weighs about 150! Pat K

[Guest guest]

Our little Timmy is a hand flapping, face contorting, body shaking

bundle of stimming. His temper tantrums and inappropriate

verbalizations ( " Shut up, stupid! " ) are worthy of the " big screen. "

Needless to say, we get the stares.

Here's how we " deal " with them...

1. We try to empathize with the starers.

Our son doesn't behave " normally " to other people. Of course his

behavior is completely normal to us and we love him just the way he

is (though we're always on the prowl for " the cure " ). I know that

you'll know what I mean when I say that we don't even notice his

behavior(s) most of the time. It's just him. But we realize that the

way that he bahaves isn't within the typical limits of displayed

behavior most people witness in other humans from day to day and, as

such, are viewed with a great deal of curiosity.

If I saw a child in the grocery store who displayed the same

behaviors my child presents, I, honestly, might...ummmm...DO stare

too. My reasons for staring might differ from that of other people. I

probably stare because I can relate, because I love that child

without even knowing him or her, because it gives me the knowledge

that my son isn't " the only one. " So, in truth, I stare sometimes too.

(This past Saturday night, my husband and I got the God-given gift of

respite where a nurse " babysat " Timmy while we went out and played.

At the end of the evening, we went to a Perkin's restaurant for

dessert. A lady in the booth next to us had a special needs little

wonder [i think he was 7 or so] and he put our Timmy's ability to

stim to shame - he had his whole booth vibrating. I was fascinated

and, of course, stared. I got a silly grin on my face because I could

relate and I thought he was adorable. Well, that's when my eyes met

his Mommy's eyes and she was none-to-pleased, let me tell you! I

hadn't even realized I was staring until that point. LESSON LEARNED:

DON'T EVER judge a stare! I smiled at her to let her know, in the

best unspoken look I could give [there was a glass partition

separating us] that I didn't mean it that way and I think/hope she

understood. I think she did.)

It's natural human curiosity to stare at people who behave in a way

they don't understand. When confronted with such a person, the

analytical side of our human minds first recognize that what we are

seeing isn't what we normally see and so we stare some more to try to

figure out why. Having failed to figure out why we try to catagorize

what we're seeing into some aspect of our life experience so that we

can in some way relate to it. The end result of that process is what

I call the " determination stage. " One can determine that the child

has a disorder, one can determine that the child is ill, one can

determine that the child is misbehaving, one can determine a million

other things.

I, on the other hand (as a parent of a stared-at-child who's viewing

a person going trough this process) can go through my

own " determination stage. " I can determine that they are going

through the normal human process of trying to come to grips with what

they're seeing, or I can determine that they're rude and

inconsiderate, or I can determine...whatever. I can decide whether or

not I want to make their issue mine, and, by extention, my child's,

or I can decide that whatever issue their dealing with belongs to

them and only them.

2. I try to forgive those who stare.

Maybe they're ignorant. Maybe they're the " freak. " Maybe they're

confused. Maybe they have a child like mine. Maybe they know a child

like mine. Maybe they like my child. Maybe they want to understand.

Maybe they're just zoning out and happen to be looking at my child

while they're doing it. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I've decided that the best road to take is just to forgive and get on

with life. I often stare back until they look at me and then I give

them a smile from my heart. It's amazing what a smile can do.

3. I ALWAYS look at stares from other people as an opportunity to

EDUCATE.

As we all know, there are different stares. There's the curious

stare, the judgmental stare, the pitying stare, the compassionate

stare, the sympathetic stare, etc.

If I'm not too busy, I'll almost ALWAYS try to have a conversation

with the culprit. It's amazing how few people know what autism really

looks like. And with 1 in 166, to my thinking, it's MY responsibility

to do my part to educate an ignorant public. I always try to do so

kindly and politely. Of course, I MUST be honest and say that there

have been times when my little " Mommy Claws " have come out and have

reduced the starerer to a pulp.... NOT good for the cause and I

apologize to you all! (I'm now typing this from an undisclosed

location!)

Anyway, sorry... I didn't mean to write a book (though my husband

says that I should). I just want to say that I understand. It hurts.

It sucks. We wish that people would just love, or at least appreciate

our children as much as we do because they deserve it.

My best advice would be to accept and acknowledge that the stares are

just a part of your life. Don't make them out to be more or less than

they are. They are just nouns.

The decision to consider the stares as an opportunity to help educate

people about autism has benefited us greatly is understanding and

even appreciating the stares. Most folks are just curious and

confused.

Maybe find your own personal style in educating people. Maybe through

conversation.... Maybe through little cards you can hand them....

Maybe through a simple smile. Trust me when I say that doing your

part to help educate people will go a long way to help you better

deal with the stares.

Hugs and love and best wishes,

Kat

[Guest guest]

Our little Timmy is a hand flapping, face contorting, body shaking

bundle of stimming. His temper tantrums and inappropriate

verbalizations ( " Shut up, stupid! " ) are worthy of the " big screen. "

Needless to say, we get the stares.

Here's how we " deal " with them...

1. We try to empathize with the starers.

Our son doesn't behave " normally " to other people. Of course his

behavior is completely normal to us and we love him just the way he

is (though we're always on the prowl for " the cure " ). I know that

you'll know what I mean when I say that we don't even notice his

behavior(s) most of the time. It's just him. But we realize that the

way that he bahaves isn't within the typical limits of displayed

behavior most people witness in other humans from day to day and, as

such, are viewed with a great deal of curiosity.

If I saw a child in the grocery store who displayed the same

behaviors my child presents, I, honestly, might...ummmm...DO stare

too. My reasons for staring might differ from that of other people. I

probably stare because I can relate, because I love that child

without even knowing him or her, because it gives me the knowledge

that my son isn't " the only one. " So, in truth, I stare sometimes too.

(This past Saturday night, my husband and I got the God-given gift of

respite where a nurse " babysat " Timmy while we went out and played.

At the end of the evening, we went to a Perkin's restaurant for

dessert. A lady in the booth next to us had a special needs little

wonder [i think he was 7 or so] and he put our Timmy's ability to

stim to shame - he had his whole booth vibrating. I was fascinated

and, of course, stared. I got a silly grin on my face because I could

relate and I thought he was adorable. Well, that's when my eyes met

his Mommy's eyes and she was none-to-pleased, let me tell you! I

hadn't even realized I was staring until that point. LESSON LEARNED:

DON'T EVER judge a stare! I smiled at her to let her know, in the

best unspoken look I could give [there was a glass partition

separating us] that I didn't mean it that way and I think/hope she

understood. I think she did.)

It's natural human curiosity to stare at people who behave in a way

they don't understand. When confronted with such a person, the

analytical side of our human minds first recognize that what we are

seeing isn't what we normally see and so we stare some more to try to

figure out why. Having failed to figure out why we try to catagorize

what we're seeing into some aspect of our life experience so that we

can in some way relate to it. The end result of that process is what

I call the " determination stage. " One can determine that the child

has a disorder, one can determine that the child is ill, one can

determine that the child is misbehaving, one can determine a million

other things.

I, on the other hand (as a parent of a stared-at-child who's viewing

a person going trough this process) can go through my

own " determination stage. " I can determine that they are going

through the normal human process of trying to come to grips with what

they're seeing, or I can determine that they're rude and

inconsiderate, or I can determine...whatever. I can decide whether or

not I want to make their issue mine, and, by extention, my child's,

or I can decide that whatever issue their dealing with belongs to

them and only them.

2. I try to forgive those who stare.

Maybe they're ignorant. Maybe they're the " freak. " Maybe they're

confused. Maybe they have a child like mine. Maybe they know a child

like mine. Maybe they like my child. Maybe they want to understand.

Maybe they're just zoning out and happen to be looking at my child

while they're doing it. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I've decided that the best road to take is just to forgive and get on

with life. I often stare back until they look at me and then I give

them a smile from my heart. It's amazing what a smile can do.

3. I ALWAYS look at stares from other people as an opportunity to

EDUCATE.

As we all know, there are different stares. There's the curious

stare, the judgmental stare, the pitying stare, the compassionate

stare, the sympathetic stare, etc.

If I'm not too busy, I'll almost ALWAYS try to have a conversation

with the culprit. It's amazing how few people know what autism really

looks like. And with 1 in 166, to my thinking, it's MY responsibility

to do my part to educate an ignorant public. I always try to do so

kindly and politely. Of course, I MUST be honest and say that there

have been times when my little " Mommy Claws " have come out and have

reduced the starerer to a pulp.... NOT good for the cause and I

apologize to you all! (I'm now typing this from an undisclosed

location!)

Anyway, sorry... I didn't mean to write a book (though my husband

says that I should). I just want to say that I understand. It hurts.

It sucks. We wish that people would just love, or at least appreciate

our children as much as we do because they deserve it.

My best advice would be to accept and acknowledge that the stares are

just a part of your life. Don't make them out to be more or less than

they are. They are just nouns.

The decision to consider the stares as an opportunity to help educate

people about autism has benefited us greatly is understanding and

even appreciating the stares. Most folks are just curious and

confused.

Maybe find your own personal style in educating people. Maybe through

conversation.... Maybe through little cards you can hand them....

Maybe through a simple smile. Trust me when I say that doing your

part to help educate people will go a long way to help you better

deal with the stares.

Hugs and love and best wishes,

Kat

[Guest guest]

, good for you!! Pat K

[Guest guest]

, good for you!! Pat K

[Guest guest]

, good for you!! Pat K

[Guest guest]

Pat K, I'm sure Karac is a very wonderful child! Any child with special needs has such a indescribable spirit! All the effort on Karac's part, yourself, and I'm sure many others has payed off! That is too neat! Sounds like his motor skills are great. It's crazy how things that come so easy for other children are just a given. Our children have to work soooo hard for there accomplishments but the upside of that is they appreciate life so much more than others. As do us as parents. My Bobby has changed my life and made me see what life is really about. Everyday is a gift and we should be thankful! I'm so happy for you and your son! Keep in touch I would love to hear more about Karac's strives! God Bless! Dianepkuenstler@... wrote: Diane, everyone who gets to know my Karac learns to love him and is blessed in knowing him. I have been taking Karac to gymnastics for a couple of years. The first night that I took him he went crazy and ran wild all over the gym and was uncontrollable. The next time he had a melt down. The director of the gym said if he didn't do better he wouldn't be allowed to be there. I had a private LPT working with him and she was excellent. Now Karac is very compliant, has learned observational learning, and sequencing. Last night I stoped the director and said, "can you believe

how far Karac has progressed?" He said, "This last semester I took a psychology course and had to write a paper. I wrote my paper on Karac and how exercise benefits autistic kids." He adores Karac and goes out of his way to speak to him or give him a high five every time Karac is at the gym. Isn't that neat? Pat K

All-new - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

[Guest guest]

Pat K, I'm sure Karac is a very wonderful child! Any child with special needs has such a indescribable spirit! All the effort on Karac's part, yourself, and I'm sure many others has payed off! That is too neat! Sounds like his motor skills are great. It's crazy how things that come so easy for other children are just a given. Our children have to work soooo hard for there accomplishments but the upside of that is they appreciate life so much more than others. As do us as parents. My Bobby has changed my life and made me see what life is really about. Everyday is a gift and we should be thankful! I'm so happy for you and your son! Keep in touch I would love to hear more about Karac's strives! God Bless! Dianepkuenstler@... wrote: Diane, everyone who gets to know my Karac learns to love him and is blessed in knowing him. I have been taking Karac to gymnastics for a couple of years. The first night that I took him he went crazy and ran wild all over the gym and was uncontrollable. The next time he had a melt down. The director of the gym said if he didn't do better he wouldn't be allowed to be there. I had a private LPT working with him and she was excellent. Now Karac is very compliant, has learned observational learning, and sequencing. Last night I stoped the director and said, "can you believe

how far Karac has progressed?" He said, "This last semester I took a psychology course and had to write a paper. I wrote my paper on Karac and how exercise benefits autistic kids." He adores Karac and goes out of his way to speak to him or give him a high five every time Karac is at the gym. Isn't that neat? Pat K

All-new - Fire up a more powerful email and get things done faster.

[Guest guest]

Diane, tell me more about Bobby. I am Karac's grandmother and I have worked with him every day for over 11 years. You are right these kids change our lives and our perspectives. Pat K

[Guest guest]

Diane, tell me more about Bobby. I am Karac's grandmother and I have worked with him every day for over 11 years. You are right these kids change our lives and our perspectives. Pat K

[Guest guest]

Hi Pat, My son Bobby is three years old and will turn four the 26th of this month. Bobby didn't speak not one word until he was two. So with that as an obvious concern my husband and I took him to see his pediatrician and was told Bobby maybe autistic and we need to take him to see a specialist for a diagnosis. To make a long story short we indeed got the diagnosis Autism Spectrum Disorder. Bobby is now attending a special day preschool class five days a week. His teacher is so wonderful and Bobby is doing really well. His speech is still delayed and he can't carry a conversation but from no words to about 50 is so great! We also just got picked up by the Regional Center and considering ABA as Bobby's treatment. Bobby is my youngest of three. I have an older son whom is getting ready to turn thirteen and my only daughter Madeline is five and just started kindergarten. Bobby is the only one on the spectrum so I feel very blessed. Everyday is a work in

progress and I get so thrilled when Bobby discovers a new word. I know he is going to be just fine. This is God's plan for us and I'm proud of myself for having the patience and the strength to continue on this journey. Anyway that's our story. How about your grandson Karac? I would like to hear more about him and yourself. I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon! Diane pkuenstler@... wrote: Diane, tell me more about Bobby. I am Karac's grandmother and I have worked with him every day for over 11 years. You are right these kids change our lives and our perspectives. Pat K

Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.

[Guest guest]

Hi Pat, My son Bobby is three years old and will turn four the 26th of this month. Bobby didn't speak not one word until he was two. So with that as an obvious concern my husband and I took him to see his pediatrician and was told Bobby maybe autistic and we need to take him to see a specialist for a diagnosis. To make a long story short we indeed got the diagnosis Autism Spectrum Disorder. Bobby is now attending a special day preschool class five days a week. His teacher is so wonderful and Bobby is doing really well. His speech is still delayed and he can't carry a conversation but from no words to about 50 is so great! We also just got picked up by the Regional Center and considering ABA as Bobby's treatment. Bobby is my youngest of three. I have an older son whom is getting ready to turn thirteen and my only daughter Madeline is five and just started kindergarten. Bobby is the only one on the spectrum so I feel very blessed. Everyday is a work in

progress and I get so thrilled when Bobby discovers a new word. I know he is going to be just fine. This is God's plan for us and I'm proud of myself for having the patience and the strength to continue on this journey. Anyway that's our story. How about your grandson Karac? I would like to hear more about him and yourself. I hope all is well and hope to hear from you soon! Diane pkuenstler@... wrote: Diane, tell me more about Bobby. I am Karac's grandmother and I have worked with him every day for over 11 years. You are right these kids change our lives and our perspectives. Pat K

Messenger with Voice. Make PC-to-Phone Calls to the US (and 30+ countries) for 2¢/min or less.

[Guest guest]

Diane, ABA is very effective, particularly with a good supportive family. You are on the right track. Pat K

[Guest guest]

Diane, ABA is very effective, particularly with a good supportive family. You are on the right track. Pat K