Re: Looking for ways to boost Self-esteem

[Guest guest]

Cathelean,

Low self esteem is a big block in treatment. Our

kids feel so miserable and alone, that they don't

comprehend that these are things under their control.

When my daughter, adi, was 11/12, she always walked

with her head down. The teachers were always nagging

her about it. One she learned how to control the ocd

thoughts, her head came up. She described it as

lifting a weight from her shoulders. She said it was:

like suddenly getting it! " . She now stands very tall

(5 " taller than me!) and walks with a regal gaite!

To build my others daughters self esteem, i looked

for things that she could excel in, such as crafts,

her hair (which is gorgeous!) and things unique about

her. Ziv had a diary/journal that she was instructed

to write a positive comment ABOUT HERSELF in each day.

She had one special friend that was a lot like her and

they spent hours together sympathizing with each

other!! Depression can really make it hard, but with

meds, the depression and ocd anxieties were easier to

handle. She was diagnosed at 7, and we did these

things when she was 9 years old.

There used to be a campaign when i was in high school

that said: " Have you hugged your child today? " With

my girls, this has been a real booster for them.

Unfortuntly, tom doesnt like to be touched.

I love your story about looking for a missing baby!!

Its great! 's walmart comment is tooo funny!

take care, wendy in canada

====================================================

> Lately has said things to me which has tuned

> me in to the fact her self-esteem is sagging.

_______________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

> Will some of you share with me ways through which I might build her

up in confidence and self-pride. Ideas for games, crafts, day trips,

or other activities would be welcomed! She's beginning to realize

she is a bit 'different' from her friends, but I do not want her to

think she is 'less'

>

Hi,

I would say find something she's good at and KICK IT UP A NOTCH (as

Emeril Laggasse says!) Don't let OCD be her core identity.

She's much more than a few little fears. Find something for the

whole family to talk about OTHER than OCD and let OCD take a BACK

SEAT in the 'family car of life.' Dont focus on it because what we

focus on EXPANDS. When my son is at his worse, I've noticed that

I've been thinking about his OCD too much, reading too much about it,

and hyper-focusing on how to make him well. It becomes too 'all-

consuming' and allows OCD to be greater than it actually is.

We bought a boat a few weeks ago. Our boat (and the skiing, tubing,

fishing, camping, etc) is what our family is about this summer, and

our sons are PUMPED UP about it! OCD-- get out of the way. We

forgot who you are! Get something that the whole family can enjoy

and feel connected to OTHER than OCD, and get her something that she

can identify with that's strictly her OWN 'thing.' Example: Does she

like horses? Get her horseback riding lessons. What about a team

SPORT? Keep her focused on her STRENGTHS and not her weaknesses.

Joni

=====================================================

TODAY'S QUOTES - OVERCOMING OBSTACLES

=====================================================

The history of the human race is the history of ordinary

people who have overcome their fears and accomplished

extraordinary things. --

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most

useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this:

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it

comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye,

and say, " I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat

me. " -- Ann Landers

Rough spots sharpen our performance. And more often than

not, obstacles can be turned into advantages. You just

can't let your disappointment get in the way.

-- Harvey Mackay

When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.

-- Kay Ash

I always view problems as opportunities in work clothes.

-- Henry Kaiser

The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then

coming back. That's real glory. -- Vince Lombardi

[Guest guest]

Hi Cathalean, your post describes something my daughter has struggled with for a couple of years now. She had an abrupt onset of OCD at almost-five, and for a few months after that maintained an attitude of this happened *to* her, like an auto accident. But slowly there crept in the idea that she was responsible somehow for having OCD, and her self-esteem plummeted. School became very difficult because teachers would express disapproval when Kel would do a compulsion--such as desperately answering every question in class. They asked her to sit still and stay in her seat, again in a disapproving way, and Kel would come home devastated that she couldn't follow these instructions to the teacher's satisfaction, so frustrated and down on herself.

The best thing I ever did to help raise Kel's self-esteem was begin ERP with her. Once she "got it" and began feeling she had some control over the dumb stuff OCD was telling her to do, she began feeling much better about herself and her self-esteem rose quite a bit.

Judging from posts to the list, it seems OCD is often enough coupled with skills or outstanding ability in a few areas. This is true for my daughter in the areas of sports and athletics. About a year ago I shifted focus and started providing her with opportunities to shine that didn't have anything to do with school, sitting still, etc. I enrolled her in soccer last fall, she had never played before and was a complete newbie, but she very quickly became a team standout and was receiving praise right and left from coaches, and even from parents of kids on the opposing team! They would catch up with her after the game ended to tell her how much they enjoyed watching her play, what a good player she was, etc. This sort of success for Kellen helped immensely to offset the blows to self-esteem she was getting at school and from the fact of OCD itself.

I don't know why kids feel personally responsible for having OCD, despite learning it's a brain glitch, a physical problem. To me this is very frustrating and I certainly preferred Kel's original stance that she was just minding her own business and it happened to her--not her fault or due to some failure on her part.

So I would look for things that is particularly skilled at and enjoys, and give her opportunities to shine and feel competent and good about herself. As long as it's an activity that she herself values, it should be helpful to offset the negative feelings.

Kathy r. in Indiana

----- Original Message -----

From: Fassett

Lately has said things to me which has tuned me in to the fact her self-esteem is sagging.

Will some of you share with me ways through which I might build her up in confidence and self-pride. Ideas for games, crafts, day trips, or other activities would be welcomed! She's beginning to realize she is a bit 'different' from her friends, but I do not want her to think she is 'less'

[Guest guest]

HI Cathelean:

You have touched on one of the really painful parts of helping a beloved

child with OCD. Dealing with a serious diagnosis is very devastating for

someone at any age. When it is a mental illness and the person is young

and still developing their sense of self, the difficulty can seem almost

insumountable. Luckily our kids are amazingly resilient and with effective

treatment many of them learn how to cope and even thrive. Recovery can

take a long time and there is a lot of reason to hope for our kids.

You are already doing the very best thing for your child's self-esteem,

making her feel completely loved and cherished no matter what. Building on

their strengths and passing on compliments you receive about them from

other people can also help our kids with their self-esteem.

Another thing that seemed to help our son Steve was to learn about well

known people who also deal with his disorders (MDD and OCD). Also to know

friends of our who also take SSRIs for mood and anxiety disorders. His

psychiatrist also takes antidepressants and that has " normalized " things

quite a bit for him.

Good luck, take care, aloha,kathy (h)

kathyh@...

[Guest guest]

HI Joni:

I agree with you family activities that involve physical activity are a

very important way to build self-esteem and a sense of importance and

belonging. We have even found pulling weeds helpful as well as gardening.

Steve loves animals and living things so gardening, hiking in beautiful

areas have all helped. Even playing tennis - although the balls were very

contaminated - helped.

Take care, aloha, Kathy (h)

kathyh@...

1 PM 05/20/2001 -0000, you wrote:

>I would say find something she's good at and KICK IT UP A NOTCH (as

>Emeril Laggasse says!) Don't let OCD be her core identity.

>She's much more than a few little fears. Find something for the

>whole family to talk about OTHER than OCD and let OCD take a BACK

>SEAT in the 'family car of life.' Dont focus on it because what we

>focus on EXPANDS. When my son is at his worse, I've noticed that

>I've been thinking about his OCD too much, reading too much about it,

>and hyper-focusing on how to make him well. It becomes too 'all-

>consuming' and allows OCD to be greater than it actually is.

>

>We bought a boat a few weeks ago. Our boat (and the skiing, tubing,

>fishing, camping, etc) is what our family is about this summer, and

>our sons are PUMPED UP about it! OCD-- get out of the way. We

>forgot who you are! Get something that the whole family can enjoy

>and feel connected to OTHER than OCD, and get her something that she

>can identify with that's strictly her OWN 'thing.' Example: Does she

>like horses? Get her horseback riding lessons. What about a team

>SPORT? Keep her focused on her STRENGTHS and not her weaknesses.

>Joni

[Guest guest]

In a message dated Sun, 20 May 2001 08:12:07 -0400 (EDT), w birkhan

<birkhanw@...> writes:

> Low self esteem is a big block in treatment. Our

> kids feel so miserable and alone, that they don't

> comprehend that these are things under their control.

I think that some people have a greater natural capacity for self esteem,

regardless of their conditions. When you combine mental health problems

with a lower capacity for self esteem, the problems are multiplied.

has always been " glass half empty " kind of kid whereas his sister is the

exact opposite. Ginny has learning difficulties (I will hear the psych

assessment Tuesday) and functions well below her grade level, but nothing

dampens her cheerful " I did my best " attitude.

Of late has wanted to take part in a team sport. We discourage this

because we know how his need to control everything is less than, uh,

sportsman like. In fact at school he has to sit out of team games if his

aide is not present. He enjoys hiking and bicycling and those are far

better sports, but of course he does not think of those as " sports " , that's

just playing.

His greatest gift is artistic and he spends hours drawing or creating things

out of paper. Years ago he made a fully articulated human skeleton out of

cardboard and paper tubes. These days he painstakingly creates minute,

detailed Pokemon cards for his Beanie Babies or devises elaborate board

games on paper based on his favourite Gameboy games. We try to enrol him

regularly in art classes in the nearby art centre (where fortunately he is

well known and understood) and encourage him. But one has to be very

careful because he does not like to be asked to draw something and he reacts

negatively to too much praise by withdrawing. This year a visiting art

instructor advised him to " never stop drawing " and he seems to have taken

that to heart, but it is always a delicate balancing act to give him support

(and don't even get me started on how he reacts to criticism!).

Slowly I am learning to be less obvious. The weather here was pathetic this

weekend, so I finally took the kids down to the museum to see a visiting

exhibit of Folk Art. was, as usual, not keen on anything disrupting

his afternoon, but when we got there, he loved it. I knew he would. He

went through each display painstakingly, reading up on every item that

caught his fancy, so absorbed that he often did not even realize if he was

reading in English or French. We spent the day at the museum and

was, as usual, obsessive about it (he carried the map, had to know where we

were on every level, had to look at every item) and I, for a change, just

enjoyed seeing him so enthusiastic and interested. Now if I could just find

a way to make this obsession for detail carry over to his school work...

ph

[Guest guest]

Hi ph,

Well, the weather is glorious here in Ottawa! I've

been sitting outside for the past 2 days! Tomorrow i'm

back to work and I hear they are predicting rain - I

can deal with that!!

It sounds like your suggestion of going to the

museum really paid off!! I have taken clients to

museums since they can serve so many purposes! Some I

have taken as a distraction, others to experience

anxieties, while others just to work on patience!!

To help with his 'need to know' stuff,

perhaps the next time you could make the trip a

" magical mystery tour " and you hold the map!! Maybe

you could give clues to discover information,

and challenge him not to read everything!!

take care, wendy, in canada

=====================================================

The weather here was pathetic this weekend, so I

finally took the kids down to the museum to see a

visiting exhibit of Folk Art. was, as usual,

not keen on anything disrupting his afternoon, but

when we got there, he loved it. I knew he would. He

went through each display painstakingly, reading up on

every item that caught his fancy, so absorbed that he

often did not even realize if he was reading in

English or French. We spent the day at the museum and

was, as usual, obsessive about it (he carried

the map, had to know where we were on every level, had

to look at every item) and I, for a change, just

enjoyed seeing him so enthusiastic and interested. Now

if I could just find a way to make this obsession for

detail carry over to his school work...ph

_______________________________________________________

[Guest guest]

Hi, Cathelean,

Your post really struck a chord with me! How sad to watch our 15

year old who is academically gifted (Elem. school valedictorian),

mucisally gifted (Middle school band student of the year)athletically

gifted and socially gifted change so much in 2 years and watch his

self-esteem plummet. He has always been a compliant child and easy

for teachers to work with. Now that teacher relationships have

changed due to OCD, he feels very bad about his school career.

I really like the ideas that have been posted. I am going to make a

concerted effort to put OCD in the backseat. Our lives have revolved

around it and I am sure the focus only has made matters worse. I can

hardly stand to hear myself talk!

Thanks for all the wisdom. I am particularly impressed with the

humor with which many seem to approach this mess. I seemed to have

lost mine...

Melinda S.

> Hello to all...

>

> Lately has said things to me which has tuned me in to the

fact her self-esteem is sagging.

>

> Will some of you share with me ways through which I might build her

up in confidence and self-pride. Ideas for games, crafts, day trips,

or other activities would be welcomed! She's beginning to realize

she is a bit 'different' from her friends, but I do not want her to

think she is 'less'

>

> Tonight I shared with her how wonderfully blessed I felt when she

was born and on the day I brought her home from the hospital. I

remember thinking the 10 o'clock news would tell of a missing baby

and I must have had it because I had never known such 'high

happiness' and surely the authorities would come at any minute to

take her from me (hormones, hummmmm?). She didn't seem too

impressed, but did say if Wal-Mart had a thousand Moms for sale she'd

chose me.

>

> Pressing onward!!!

>

> Cathelean