Re: Just a Note!

[Guest guest]

Dear Gwen:

I was glad to see your post. I was just thinking of you today, wondering why we haven't heard from you lately. I'm so sorry you're feeling the weight of the world right now. Maybe since things are a little more stable with Abby, you're just now really letting yourself feel the grief and frustration that you had to postpone while in crisis mode. God knows, you have been through a incredibly rough few months!

I really think the inflexibility is part of the OCD and depression also. I feel sure that, with the right meds and therapy, Abby will overcome this. Don't beat yourself up over being co-dependent every once in a while. You cannot solve every problem right away. You have been working on saving your daughter's life, you can get to the other problems in due time. In my understanding of er & p (very limited), a hierarchy is established and then work is begun on easier things first. We can't overwhelm our OCDers (or ourselves) with anxiety right away. They need to have some success with bossing back small anxieties to believe they can boss back the big ones. I really hope this new therapist will be the right one for Abby!

I hope you can find a little time for yourself. Boy, do I understand the feeling of not having a life (and I don't even work!) Try to enjoy this festive season and don't get too bogged down in details. I have been known to send out New Years cards because I never got around to Christmas cards. The kids and I baked Christmas cookies the night before Thanksgiving (which we went out for). I've crossed any more holiday baking off my list for this year except for maybe a pumpkin pie or two. I'm trying to lower my expectations of myself this year. I know we will have a much better Christmas if I'm not all cranky and stressed out about having everything just so for the holidays.

Give yourself a break, you have certainly earned it!

in Texas

[Guest guest]

HI Gwen:

{{{{{{{{{{GWEN}}}}}}}}}}

Good for you for hanging in there through such tough times. Like you I

also have grieved the loss of flexibility and resilience in my beloved

OCDer. What I can say is that I have been amazed at the improvement that

is possible. I would say, that whille Steve is not as flexible as I would

like him to be (mostly for his sake, but also a bit for ours), it is

amazing the improvement he has made in this arena. The judgementality,

hypercriticality, etc. are part of OCD and not their personality. I have

found it very important to talk to Steve about this and how I know he is a

real sweetie and it is embarrassing to him to have his scrupulosity make

him appear so judging of others.

You are so wise to recognize Abby's ambivalence about her dependence on

you. When she has recovered even more this will settle down. This is a

very normal and reasonable response to the very difficult position she is

in. It actually bodes very well for her continuing recovery, although I

know from personal experience how painful this is for a mother to cope

with. YOu will find that when she is better you will have an even more

loving and understanding relationship. IN a weird way OCD has brought our

entire family closer together and I feel much closer to both my kids as

well. Even when we have disagreements I feel there is never an iota of

doubt in their minds that I don't love them to distraction and that I am

willing to go to the ends of the earth for them.

YOu are doing a good job recognizing your codependence and fragility at

this time. ONe step at a time in recovery. When you are more adjusted you

can take on letting Abby get anxious. I hope you are getting some support

for yourself at this tough time.

Like you I would read and wonder if Steve did not have even more

comorbidities than he does. SOmetimes he would seem like an unpleasant and

unhappy person and I wondered if he would ever make friends again. This

was just his OCD and then his adjustment to being a child with life long

disorders. It takes much more time than we like for our kids to adjust to

this and at times they can get upset about things all over again. After

treatment though, lapses are never as long or as low as before, at least in

our experience.

I am still surprised even now when I notice how well Steve is handling

something and it is years after his successful treatment. Many docs find

that with successful E & RP treatment, what seemed like personality disorders

or other disorders, have disappeared. Know that underneath this hurt and

pain and the veneer of OCD, you have a lovely child, Abby, who will come

out in all her beauty when she is recovered from OCD. You are all working

hard to thin out that OCD veneer, it is exhausting and limits other life

activities.

Often when I look back on the early days I cannot believe we could endure.

I will never forget the exquisite agony of those days, however I remain

focused too on the beauty of these days of recovery. Yes, there are slips,

etc., but I would say that our family is coping as well, or even better,

than many other families with two teenagers. Good luck, Gwen, take care of

yourself, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 06:08 AM 12/08/2000 +0000, you wrote:

>Abby's hospitalization was three days and outpatient another six.

>She had some real times of openness with me towards the end. Quite a

>nice treat.

>

>Since then, we've been trying to get back to some sense of routine.

>We make sure that someone is always awake with her. This seems to be

>helping. We requested a new tutor, who seems infintely more

>organized and able to teach the subject matter. I've also

>interviewed several potential OCD therapists and selected one. Our

>first appointment will be mid-January.

>

>In the meantime, Abby will continue to see her original therapist who

>will try to help her transition to the new therapist. While things

>seem to be better than they were, I'm feeling incredibly fragile just

>now.

>

>Many times I know that Abby wishes I would just drop off the face of

>the earth. She needs me, but she doesn't want to need me. She wants

>friends, but she drives them off. She " holds grudges " and can't seem

>to forgive even though she knows they are unreasonable and wants to

>get over them.

>

>The other day she asked me to get refills on some non-OCD medication

>for acne and perspiration. I forgot to do it the day she asked. The

>next day she asked if I had taken care of it. I LIED. I knew if I

>told her I had forgotten, she would become very upset...she has a

>very low tolerance for not following through...even though it was not

>a critical situation. I know I am being codependent...afraid to tell

>her the truth because I hate the response she will have. (I can just

>hear saying that it is good when we cause some level of anxiety

>in our OCDers. But it does not feel good to me.)

>

>In addition, I went on the OC Foundation site yesterday and did some

>research on self-harm. There were references to " Borderline

>Personality Disorder. " Abby met some (but not the required 5 of 9).

>Yet, I was very distressed by this. She definitely has trouble with

>relationships and viewing people as good or bad...no in between,

>intolerant of human inconsistencies, feelings of abandonment,

>unstable sense of self, self-harming tendencies. However, when I

>discussed this with her therapist, she felt that Abby's tendencies

>were probably more related to depression and OCD (and being an

>adolescent girl). Can therapy help Abby to view others and herself

>more realistically? Can she develop the flexibility to " go with the

>flow " and handle human frailties better? I guess I just need hope.

>

>I research and read posts constantly when I am not working. Yet I am

>the sole support of our family currently as this allows my husband to

>stay home and be there for Abby. So between work and research, I

>don't feel like I have a life. I love Abby, our older daughter and

>my husband...yet I feel like I'm unable to hold it all together. I

>guess I just needed to vent tonight. I know you all understand and

>have been there as well. I hope in January I will be able to report

>that therapy has started and we are all making progress. Thanks for

>listening.

>

>Gwen in Oregon

[Guest guest]

Gwen, you wrote:

>The other day she asked me to get refills on some non-OCD

medication for acne and perspiration. I forgot to do it the

day she asked. The next day she asked if I had taken care

of it. I LIED. I knew if I told her I had forgotten, she

would become very upset...she has a very low tolerance for

not following through...even though it was not a critical

situation. I know I am being codependent...afraid to tell

>her the truth because I hate the response she will have.

(I can just hear saying that it is good when we cause

some level of anxiety in our OCDers. But it does not feel

good to me.)

Guess what? This falls under " Taking Care of Yourself " !! Since there is

nothing you could have done, and it didnt matter if you bought her things on

day or the next, this 'adjustment of the situation' was self preservation!!

I cant tell you how many times i have avoided confrontation by down playing

or adjusting a situation.

There are many times that tom wanted to know why I was late coming home

(he worries about my safety) and I tell him that traffic was slow or that a

meeting ran late - even if i went shopping. If he had known I had gone

shopping, he would have asked for details of everything I bought, how much

they cost, and why i chose this time to do it!!

You must be feeling pretty fragile, as you say. The past few weeks have

been very stressful. Do try and find some time alone, or with friends. One

of my favourite destressors is to go window shopping. Another is crafts or

reading.

Pace yourself. wendy in canada

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[Guest guest]

in Texas,

>I'm trying to lower my expectations of myself this year. I know

we will have a much better Christmas if I'm not all cranky and

stressed out about having everything just so for the holidays.<

Recognizing that we arent super mom's/dad's is half the battle! I too used

to go out all for holidays, but have cut back drastically! One year I bought

a Bar-B-Q'd chicken and put in in a roasting pan so know one would know! Now

I have the kids do more like setting the table how they want it, and not

worrying about the little details. Sometimes we try something new so that

we're not bogged down with past memories. This was particularly helpful when

sad memories came up associated with a specific holiday.

Take care. wendy in canada

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[Guest guest]

> Guess what? This falls under " Taking Care of Yourself. " I can't

tell you how many times i have avoided confrontation by down playing

or adjusting a situation.

,

Thanks for these insights. I think I suffer from my own version

of " scrupulosity " . I have always tried to be very honest with my

girls. But you're right, with untreated OCD running rammpant, I

think a few situation adjustments are in order. Eventually, I hope

we will be able to name the real culprit " OCD " and laugh in his face.

Abby has been up and down with depression this weekend. We have

continued our commitment to being sure that someone is at home with

her at all times. In addition, we are trying to find things to do

that get her out of the house and " engaging " in life. This seems to

really help. Even when she is moody, she seems thankful for the

distractions. I am hopeful when we begin with the new therapist in

January, she will begin to have some successes with " bossing back "

the OCD.

I plan to broach the subject of a trip to Ontario in February. I

think she will be open. Even if she chooses not to come, I'm hoping

to. Hope you've had a great weekend.

Gwen

[Guest guest]

,

The only bad thing about email is that I can't reach out and give you

a great big hug! Thanks for your response. I have had many friends

ask me how I am holding up through all this. I alway respond, " It is

through this incredible group of people in my online support group! "

> Dear Gwen:

> I was glad to see your post. I was just thinking of you today,

wondering why we haven't heard from you lately. I'm so sorry you're

feeling the weight of the world right now. Maybe since things are a

little more stable with Abby, you're just now really letting yourself

feel the grief and frustration that you had to postpone while in

crisis mode. God knows, you have been through a incredibly rough few

months!

I think you're right, now that the crisis is over, I'm once again

able to stop and realize how serious this situation is. However, I

am thankful...through the events of the past several months, I have

come to understand the severity of what Abby has been facing. I feel

that my husband and I are so much more equipped to understand and

deal with these challenges now.

> I really think the inflexibility is part of the OCD and depression

also. I feel sure that, with the right meds and therapy, Abby will

overcome this. Don' t beat yourself up over being co-dependent every

once in a while. You cannot solve every problem right away. You

have been working on saving your daughter's life, you can get to the

other problems in due time. I really hope this new therapist will be

the right one for Abby!

I am hopeful, too. The depression has caused Abby to have trouble

making even the simplest decision. I think she really needs us to

become more proactive in her treatment planning. Even though she

doesn't like it, she will some day understand that we did the best we

could for her.

> I hope you can find a little time for yourself. Boy, do I

understand the feeling of not having a life (and I don't even work!)

Give yourself a break, you have certainly earned it!

Great advice. This week I am taking off two days, one for baking

cookies with Abby and one for finishing my Christmas shopping. I'm

also looking forward to having the week between Christmas and New

Years off. In some ways, having to be with Abby at all times, is

allowing me more time to focus on being home and getting caught up

around here.

Have a wonderful season yourself! I really appreciate your " sage "

advice. Are things going okay for you?

Gwen

[Guest guest]

Kathy,

Thanks for your note. I am amazed at how much time you and the other

moderators take to respond and " be there " for those of us who so need

the hope that you offer. Thanks.

> What I can say is that I have been amazed at the improvement that

> is possible. I would say, that while Steve is not as flexible as I

> would like him to be (mostly for his sake, but also a bit for

> ours), it is amazing the improvement he has made in this arena.

> The judgementality, hypercriticality, etc. are part of OCD and not

> their personality. I have found it very important to talk to Steve

> about this and how I know he is a real sweetie and it is

> embarrassing to him to have his scrupulosity make him appear so

> judging of others.

This gives me hope. When Abby is doing well, she is so considerate

and patient with others. But when OCD takes over, she has so much

trouble. The good news is that she has an incredible boyfriend right

now who is helping her to " work through " some of her issues by

sticking with her through the " ups and downs " of normal relationships

(made much worse by her OCD). As with all mothers, I want her to be

prepared for marriage. I don't know many 16-yr. old boys who could

handle a relationship with someone with Abby's issues. This helps me

to know that God is working, when I see how He has provided such a

special person for her. Someone that makes her want to confront

OCD's rules.

> You are so wise to recognize Abby's ambivalence about her

> dependence on you. When she has recovered even more this will

> settle down. This is a very normal and reasonable response to the

> very difficult position she is in. It actually bodes very well

> for her continuing recovery, although I know from personal

> experience how painful this is for a mother to cope with. You will

> find that when she is better you will have an even more loving and

> understanding relationship. In a weird way OCD has brought our

> entire family closer together and I feel much closer to both my

> kids as well. Even when we have disagreements I feel there is

> never an iota of doubt in their minds that I don't love them to

> distraction and that I am willing to go to the ends of the earth

> for them.

I have noticed this too, Kathy. Since we have begun to learn about

Abby's condition, we have demonstrated to her our unconditional love

of who she really is (regardless of OCD). I know that this has

helped her to begin to trust us again. Time and understanding will

go a long way towards helping Abby to heal.

> Like you I would read and wonder if Steve did not have even more

> comorbidities than he does. Sometimes he would seem like an

> unpleasant and unhappy person and I wondered if he would ever make

> friends again. This was just his OCD and then his adjustment to

> being a child with life long disorders. It takes much more time

> than we like for our kids to adjust to this and at times they can

> get upset about things all over again. After treatment though,

> lapses are never as long or as low as before, at least in

> our experience.

After hearing from you and talking to Abby's current therapist, I am

feeling much better. Abby " knows " when she is thinking unreasonable

thoughts. She has just not yet been able to control them. However,

she seems to be able to simultaneously have angry thoughts towards

someone and yet still realize that she loves them. I am very anxious

for her to begin with the OCD therapist and begin to have some

success!

> I am still surprised even now when I notice how well Steve is

> handling something and it is years after his successful treatment.

> Many docs find that with successful E & RP treatment, what seemed

> like personality disorders or other disorders, have disappeared.

> Know that underneath this hurt and pain and the veneer of OCD, you

> have a lovely child, Abby, who will come out in all her beauty when

> she is recovered from OCD. You are all working hard to thin out

> that OCD veneer, it is exhausting and limits other life activities.

> Often when I look back on the early days I cannot believe we could

> endure. I will never forget the exquisite agony of those days,

> however I remain focused too on the beauty of these days of

> recovery. Yes, there are slips, etc., but I would say that our

> family is coping as well, or even better, than many other families

> with two teenagers.

I hang on to words of hope like this. I know that the future is

brighter. Thanks, Kathy!

Gwen