Re: CZ_____Phyllis---

[Guest guest]

Hi CZ,

Was getting worried about ya!!! Thanks for writing, I was hoping you was up to it... You are one strong young lady for everything you have gone through and go through, and are stronger for it... CONGRATS on Being such a Lovely Person!!!

Keep us posted as to how your doing... Getting cold there??? Warming up here, am glad for that...

Much Love CZ

((( Supporting Hugs )))

Helen

wrote a post but the power went off and it got lost just before i would send it. i can't remember what i wrote to write it all out again. these days my brain has enough holes you could wash rice in it i think.i think the main point i wanted to write is that anorexia never totally goes away for most people that had it for a long time but that it is possible to control. i had it for 15 years and at times it nearly killed me but i have been healthy weight for the last few years. i lose some then i gain it again and every time i have to keep telling myself that i have everything i ever wanted. i live independently which nobody ever thought i would and my physical health is not so good these days and it takes effort to remind myself that going down the lose weight road is not worth it again.i don't know if any one thing made me change to accept that i will have to not lose weight. i think it is part that i don't ever want to be in hospital with my organs failing and have to go through refeeding again. and part that i know my body can't do it again or it would kill me and i don't want to die. and part that i like the things in my life like my pets and my friends and my house too much to give them up for the eating disorder.i have not stopped thinking i am fat and i probably will never stop thinking with the disorder but i tell it to shut up and i make myself eat properly. it is the same as my ocd it will never go away or stop talking in my head about what i am or what i have to do but i get better each year at ignoring it. i never got much out of therapy but me being autistic makes the therapy that works with not autistic people not so good for me. i think the autism and the ocd make the anorexia a lot harder to fight. the ocd gives it that much more power and makes me better at being anorexic and this is not a good thing.i can't suggest things that will help someone else with anorexia because it is something that had to come from me. nothing anybody did make any difference until i wanted it to. i was in treatment from psychiatrist from 13 years old and i was treated for anorexia in hospital that made no difference. if i was ng fed i came home and lost the weight again and if they took away my choice to speak to family or socialise i did not care because i would be happy to be on my own anyway. so the treatments did no good and my family watching what i eat and cooking for me then sit with me to make sure i was not going to purge it made no difference. i just got more sneaky if people forced me to gain weight.it is a decision that has to come from the person with anorexia that they want to live and fight the disorder. it is not likely to ever go away totally just like for someone who is addict they probably never will stop thinking about what they are addicted to even if they were not using it for a long time. but it is possible to fight and over time it is possible that the good things in life will become more important than starving to death.i feel bad to tell people that i think it would never go away. everyone that has a family person with anorexia wants it to go away and life be normal again but it is not very realistic. there are some people who are cured totally but it is more often young teenagers who are put in treatment very early before the disorder takes much hold of their life. and it is a secret disorder for a lot of people so the family don't always see it from the start. i had it for a few years before anybody realised that i was more than just skinny and another few years before it got bad enough to put my life in danger and get real medical attention.in the groups where i was with other anorexics there were two types of us really there was the people who were young and came in once and they gain weight and go home and they keep doing fine like it never happened and lose contact and then there was the people who came back over and over again like what i was. i don't know if this is true from medical point of view but the patients used to say once you were in it for 5 or 10 years you were in it for life. that probably sounds very miserable and in a sense it is. it is miserable to know you are fat and horrible every minute of every day and to hate yourself for every bite of food and not do something about it but i know for me once i make the decision to fight this disorder i got a lot stronger from it.

"We teach people how to treat us." - Unknown