RE: Temper, temper, temper

[Guest guest]

At 06:03 AM 9/9/00 -0000, you wrote:

>Another question~

>Do any of your children throw horrible temper tantrums?

oh boy oh boy. Do they ever! What worked best helping our youngest get

control of himself was to stay in control ourselves - definitely not easy.

He screamed, we didn't, he fought, we stayed CALM - sometimes we just held

him gently but firmly for as long as it took. He spent a lot of " time out "

in the bedroom (screaming, but not wrecking things). Trying to reason with

them doesn't work when they're in that state, so don't let yourself get

frustrated by that. The more we worked to bring his behaviors under

control, - trying to get HIM to calm and soothe himself - without worrying

about WHY he was behaving like that, the easier it was. Later, when the

crisis has passed, is the time for discussion.

Sometimes, of course, we didn't stay calm... nobody's perfect :-) But the

better we did, the better he did - over several years. He took Anafranil

for a year, which I think really helped, and then switched to Luvox for

this last year. He's in fifth grade now (in a very individualized program)

but is doing so much better controlling the tears and tempers. He wants to

try going off the medication so the next time we see his p-dr we will see

what she says. I think he's earned a try at that!

It takes time and practice - a lot more than you ever expected when you

gave birth to that child! But keep at it - it will get better! -- Vicki in MT

[Guest guest]

Hi :

How to handle a meltdown is an excellent question. It is extremely anxiety

provoking for our kids to be interrupted in their OCD compulsions. What

helps is to recognize that this is OCD not your son operating here. This

is called externalizing OCD and it is important to explain to your son that

this meltdown behavior is not him or his fault but aa result of his OCD and

with treatment he will learn how to control his OCD and put it more in the

background of his life.

How our kids get better is to understand that stopping their compulsions

will cause anxiety but that is the way to boss back OCD. Many respond well

to the idea that learning to cope with OCD is a challenge. FOr younger

kids rewarding them for handling their anxiety can be very helpful. OUr

list advisors have very good metaphors and analogies they use to explain

this to kids so they start to be motivated to work on therapy.

Meltdowns were unfortunately a natural part of Steve's learning how to cope

with his OCD. If you anticipate them and develop a battle plan they are

easier to handle. We have found setting consistent limits about acceptable

behaviors, even in the face of a meltdown has helped quite a bit. Also for

a time we had a safe place where Steve would escape to when things got too

much. Another thing that helped was to give him consequences for difficult

behavior during a meltdown that involved physical activity. This would

rearrange his brain chemistry much faster than anything else. If you can

try to remain calm and pretend if necessary, that any difficulty can be

handled and managed, this helps to calm a kid having an OCD meltdown, or at

least shorten the time their meltdown lasts. As much as meltdowns upset

parents, they are way, way more upsetting for the OCD sufferer.

Remembering this can help you keep a cool, coping perspective when they

happen and this will help your son regain more of his composure.

Other strategies that helped us to cope in the difficult early days of

learning to live with OCD included trying to get enough sleep, eat well,

get some exercise and simplify our lives so we did little else other than

earn a living and cope with OCD until things started to settle down as good

treatment started to turn things around. Reaching out to friends who could

help us watch Steve and distract him also was very helpful when we were

exhausted. Developing a family plan to deal with OCD helped us

considerably in not having to respond to OCD problems in an ad hoc or

panicked way.

Good luck, I'm sure many other parents have good suggestions about how they

deal with meltdowns. Take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 06:03 AM 09/09/2000 -0000, you wrote:

>Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my email introducing

>myself.

>

>Another question~

>Do any of your children throw horrible temper tantrums? I have found

>that when my son seems to be displaying more OCD or Anxiety symptoms

>that he gets very angry and very out of control. Tonight for

>instance, he couldn't decide if he wanted to get his hair washed or

>get out of the tub. So I told him to make a decision or that I could

>make one for him. After about ten minutes of going back and forth

>with him I finally took him out. Well, this just made things worse

>and so then I told him he could get back in and we could wash his

>hair but that still wasn't what he wanted. I don't actually think he

>knew what he wanted. So he ended up yelling and screaming and at one

>point he decided he was going to hit me. That was when my husband

>walked in and removed him from the situation and told him that he was

>not allowed to hit. But I have no idea how to handle these tantrums.

>I have been just putting him in a room by himself until he regains

>his composure, but I am not sure if this is the right thing to do.

>All of my reading tells me that this may be a result of his

>frustration. I don't want to contribute to his frustration but I

>don't know how else to handle it. Any thoughts?????

>

>Once again, thanky you to everyone who has helped and I look forward

>to gaining more insight and being able to help others someday.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ~

You have already gotten a very helpful response, but I would like to add my 2 cents I have actually had to "visualize" myself as a sponge soaking up Ian's anger and frustration...so I can give back to him a calm and reasoning. This helps me to not get angry and add full to his fire. Also, "The Explosive Child" book really helped us to help Ian reduce the number, the intensity and the quantity of tantrums.

Joy (Ventura CA)

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

You know what, your last post frightens me very much. It sounds just like my daughter who has not as yet been diagnosed with anything. She's 6. Only my son has displayed OCD.

If throwing temper tantrums over indecision is part of OCD I'll have 2 kids with it plus a husband who died 7 weeks ago.I don't know if I have the strength for this.

Terry

Temper, temper, temper

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my email introducing myself.Another question~Do any of your children throw horrible temper tantrums? I have found that when my son seems to be displaying more OCD or Anxiety symptoms that he gets very angry and very out of control. Tonight for instance, he couldn't decide if he wanted to get his hair washed or get out of the tub. So I told him to make a decision or that I could make one for him. After about ten minutes of going back and forth with him I finally took him out. Well, this just made things worse and so then I told him he could get back in and we could wash his hair but that still wasn't what he wanted. I don't actually think he knew what he wanted. So he ended up yelling and screaming and at one point he decided he was going to hit me. That was when my husband walked in and removed him from the situation and told him that he was not allowed to hit. But I have no idea how to handle these tantrums. I have been just putting him in a room by himself until he regains his composure, but I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. All of my reading tells me that this may be a result of his frustration. I don't want to contribute to his frustration but I don't know how else to handle it. Any thoughts?????Once again, thanky you to everyone who has helped and I look forward to gaining more insight and being able to help others someday.You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. You may subscribe to the Parents of Adults with OCD List at parentsofadultswithOCD . You may access the files, links, and archives for our list at . Our list advisors are Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., and Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan, Kathy Hammes, Jule Monnens, Gail Pesses, Roman, and Jackie Stout. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .

[Guest guest]

Here is an interesting thing to me. Now that my son knows about OCD(as you know we haven't started therapy yet) when he does one of his habits that drives me crazy,he tells me it's his OCD and he can't help it. So he knows to blame it on OCD but it seems like a crutch to me. Or maybe that statement has become an OCD habit. It's so convoluted and confusing.

Terry

..

[Guest guest]

Kathy~

Thank you for taking the time to give me such great advice!!

Kathy Hammes <kathyh@...> wrote:

Hi :How to handle a meltdown is an excellent question. It is extremely anxietyprovoking for our kids to be interrupted in their OCD compulsions. Whathelps is to recognize that this is OCD not your son operating here. Thisis called externalizing OCD and it is important to explain to your son thatthis meltdown behavior is not him or his fault but aa result of his OCD andwith treatment he will learn how to control his OCD and put it more in thebackground of his life.How our kids get better is to understand that stopping their compulsionswill cause anxiety but that is the way to boss back OCD. Many respond wellto the idea that learning to cope with OCD is a challenge. FOr youngerkids rewarding them for handling their anxiety can be very helpful. OUrlist advisors have very good metaphors and analogies they use to explainthis to kids so they start to be motivated to work on therapy.Meltdowns were unfortunately a natural part of Steve's learning how to copewith his OCD. If you anticipate them and develop a battle plan they areeasier to handle. We have found setting consistent limits about acceptablebehaviors, even in the face of a meltdown has helped quite a bit. Also fora time we had a safe place where Steve would escape to when things got toomuch. Another thing that helped was to give him consequences for difficultbehavior during a meltdown that involved physical activity. This wouldrearrange his brain chemistry much faster than anything else. If you cantry to remain calm and pretend if necessary, that any difficulty can behandled and managed, this helps to calm a kid having an OCD meltdown, or atleast shorten the time their meltdown lasts. As much as meltdowns upsetparents, they are way, way more upsetting for the OCD sufferer.Remembering this can help you keep a cool, coping perspective when theyhappen and this will help your son regain more of his composure. Other strategies that helped us to cope in the difficult early days oflearning to live with OCD included trying to get enough sleep, eat well,get some exercise and simplify our lives so we did little else other thanearn a living and cope with OCD until things started to settle down as goodtreatment started to turn things around. Reaching out to friends who couldhelp us watch Steve and distract him also was very helpful when we wereexhausted. Developing a family plan to deal with OCD helped usconsiderably in not having to respond to OCD problems in an ad hoc orpanicked way.Good luck, I'm sure many other parents have good suggestions about how theydeal with meltdowns. Take care, aloha, Kathy (H)kathyh@...At 06:03 AM 09/09/2000 -0000, you wrote:>Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my email introducing >myself.>>Another question~>Do any of your children throw horrible temper tantrums? I have found >that when my son seems to be displaying more OCD or Anxiety symptoms >that he gets very angry and very out of control. Tonight for >instance, he couldn't decide if he wanted to get his hair washed or >get out of the tub. So I told him to make a decision or that I could >make one for him. After about ten minutes of going back and forth >with him I finally took him out. Well, this just made things worse >and so then I told him he could get back in and we could wash his >hair but that still wasn't what he wanted. I don't actually think he >knew what he wanted. So he ended up yelling and screaming and at one >point he decided he was going to hit me. That was when my husband >walked in and removed him from the situation and told him that he was >not allowed to hit. But I have no idea how to handle these tantrums. >I have been just putting him in a room by himself until he regains >his composure, but I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. >All of my reading tells me that this may be a result of his >frustration. I don't want to contribute to his frustration but I >don't know how else to handle it. Any thoughts?????>>Once again, thanky you to everyone who has helped and I look forward >to gaining more insight and being able to help others someday.>>You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. You may subscribe to the Parents of Adults with OCD List at parentsofadultswithOCD . You may access the files, links, and archives for our list at . Our list advisors are Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., and Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan, Kathy Hammes, Jule Monnens, Gail Pesses, Roman, and Jackie Stout. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .

[Guest guest]

HI Terry:

If you son has already learned to recognize his behaviors correctly as OCD

that is a big step in the right direction. The next step will be for him

to recognize he can learn how to control his OCD enough to put it more in

the background of his life.

If he is making this comment in a way that seems like reassurance seeking,

then it may become a ritual which can be a target for his CBT treatments.

Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy (H)

kathyh@...

At 06:16 PM 09/09/2000 -0700, you wrote:

> It's so convoluted and confusing. Terry

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kathy,

You're always so helpful.

Terry

Re: Temper, temper, temper

HI Terry:If you son has already learned to recognize his behaviors correctly as OCDthat is a big step in the right direction. The next step will be for himto recognize he can learn how to control his OCD enough to put it more inthe background of his life. If he is making this comment in a way that seems like reassurance seeking,then it may become a ritual which can be a target for his CBT treatments.Good luck, take care, aloha, Kathy (H)kathyh@...At 06:16 PM 09/09/2000 -0700, you wrote: > It's so convoluted and confusing. Terry >You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing listserv@... . In the body of your message write: subscribe OCD-L your name. You may subscribe to the Parents of Adults with OCD List at parentsofadultswithOCD . You may access the files, links, and archives for our list at . Our list advisors are Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., and Aureen Pinto Wagner, Ph.D. Our list moderators are Birkhan, Kathy Hammes, Jule Monnens, Gail Pesses, Roman, and Jackie Stout. Subscription issues, problems, or suggestions may be addressed to Louis Harkins, list owner, at harkins@... .