Re: One mighty long exposure exercise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 1, 2000

Hi ,

I read it all! Just one question-did you quit your job? Here is wishing you

the very best in 2000 and beyond!!!!!!!!!!

in Pa

DHu1017467@... wrote:

Click Here

HAPPY HOLIDAYS to YOU and YOURS

FROM ME and MINE..............

---------------------------------

January 1, 2000

...***HUGS***

I read your post and cried. I use to hear things like the end of the world (not

from my parents, but other friend's parents) and I know exactly those feelings

you had and the burden of living in worry. I would also worry about the family

being split up because one of us might go to hell and the rest to heaven. I

finally

reached the point I think in my teenage years, that I didn't believe these

things

were going to happen because the God I knew loved me and would watch out

for me and my family.

Did either of your parents have OCD???

I hope you feel better after venting.... I know I always do.

Take care and have a new improved New Year!

mary from La.

DHu1017467@... wrote:

> In a message dated 1/1/2000 8:19:40 AM Eastern Standard Time, DHu1017467

> writes:

>

> << Hi folks!

>

> Happy New Year...Y2K...it's here...and man what a trigger it's been for me.

> This is a vent, a relieving kind of vent and chances are good it's gonna be

> long but I need to write this --- need to send it off into never-never

> land...need to share this with people who understand. Please bear with

> me....or just quit now (that was your warning LOL).

>

> As we were lounging around here last night, watching the world usher in the

> year 2000 time zone after time zone, memories of how the arrival of this

> night had so long frightened me were fired off in my OCD brain as surely as

> the fireworks in each city! Anticipatory anxiety? God, I've lived with this

> for some 30-odd years.

>

> A long time ago--I don't remember how old I was, only that I was a

> youngster, 5, 6, 7...???---my mother told us some convoluted story about how

> the world would end by the year 2000. And she drew a pretty frightening

> picture about how it would end--it would rain fire and it would be horrible.

> That story did many things to my psyche--to my OCD. It made me fear fire, it

> made me fear each coming new year, thinking we were one year closer to this

> world-ending event.

>

> As I grew older, I began to see things that made her story seem like it

> would come true. As I became aware of things like nuclear warheads, etc. it

> seemed to be some sort of prophecy of what would come before the year 2000.

>

> But I'm getting ahead of myself. As a child, this prophecy of hers really

> messed with my head. I remember loathing going to bed at night because my

> head would immediately be filled with these intrusive thoughts--visions of

> the horrible death that would befall me and my family. I remember doing the

> math in my head and thinking I'd never reach my father's age (he was in his

> late 40s at the time) ... I must have been pretty young because I even

> remember thinking that I would reach 42 by the year 2000 and I'm only 37 (so

> my math was obviously off---gosh, I must have been really young!) I remember

> even when sleep finally came, I'd often wake up completely terrified...would

> it happen tonight??? And I'd lie awake until I could see the sun rise again.

>

> These intrusive thoughts/pictures--oh god, I still remember them so

> vividly--were constantly running through my brain...even during the day, but

> during the daylight I could manage to ignore them, or push them aside for

> other childish concerns.

>

> And then I remember somewhere between grade 5-8 (so I would have been

> anywhere between 10-13 yrs old), a religion teacher told us if we prayed the

> Hail three times and asked her to intervene on our behalf to God, our

> prayers would be answered.

>

> This ushered in some more rituals, new obsessions, new compulsions all

> because of that damndable year 2000 story my mom had told us. So at night, I

> began to pray three Hail 's...but then the OCD would take over...Was it

> really 3? Did I actually pray 3 Hail 's???? So I'd pray three more...and

> on and on it would go for hours sometimes until finally sleep came but I was

> never convinced I had said three Hail 's...and when I was, I'd wonder if

> I'd *jinxed* the whole thing by saying more than three. (I still have a

> *thing* for the number 3).

>

> As one year ended and another began, I grew more and more fearful of the

> coming of the year 2000...each new year's morning, I'd wake up, relieved

> beyond belief that I was still alive!

>

> Of course I never mentioned this to anyone--not a soul, until adulthood and

> even then I dismissed it to people, pretending like it didn't bother me...but

> always, always it did.

>

> I never sought an adult's comfort from this agony as a child growing up

> because I thought people would think I was crazy...or....(here's the real

> reason I think) they would *know* that I was *bad/evil*...because in my mind,

> surely only evil people would fear the return of Jesus, right??? All *good*

> people, we were told in church and in school, were eagerly awaiting his

> return after this night of fire...but not me. I was scared...god, so scared

> by it!!! So it must mean I was *bad*...

>

> I certainly couldn't share this with my parents, because they told me I was

> bad, they beat me because I was bad and my prayers and my rituals and my

> compulsions all were done trying to wipe away my *badness*.

>

> Though not as strongly, these thoughts, obsessions, rituals, etc. continued

> right into adulthood. They were always particularly strong of course as the

> New Year grew closer. I even remember 2 years ago..two years ago!!!...we were

> at a New Year's Eve party and someone innocently mentioned how in two years,

> we would be celebrating the year 2000...ohmygosh, panic gripped my heart!!!!

> Two years? No, I thought to myself, surely it was three, not two (like it

> mattered???) It was after that particular holiday season that I entered yet

> another long, long clinical depression...thinking (I suppose with such little

> time left on this earth--remember I was still undxed at that time) how wrong

> my life was, how it had become so much what I didn't want....I vowed to get

> help this time...Vowed I would get myself to a doctor for the depression, but

> I could never find the time (working 60 hr. weeks at the newspaper)...time

> marched on, the depression deepened...but damn i was so busy at work, I just

> couldn't find the time...If I took time off from work, I'd only have to make

> it up and I was already working six days a week (can you see the OCD at work

> here? I sure can!!!) and I didn't want to have to go in a seventh just so I

> could see a doctor during the week.

>

> And then it happened...a colposcopy showed something really weird was going

> on in my cervix (cancer?)...it was early May, 1988, early on a Friday

> afternoon. My obgyn thought she'd better do a biopsy on whatever it was she

> found (was it a tumor???) ...she'd get back to me. I got in my car, bit back

> the tears (cos I had to go back to work!) trying hard, so friggin hard not to

> fall apart--the whole drive back thinking... " And so this is how it will end

> for me...I will die of cancer...my life meaning nothing...my life amounting

> to nothing but money...a life lived so wrong, for all the wrong reasons! "

> Over and over those thoughts played in my head like some reel-to-reel tape

> that I couldn't stop.

>

> I got back to work...held our usual Friday afternoon editorial meeting...all

> my reporters asking me what was wrong. (Gee, and I thought I'd held it

> together soooo well!). " Nothing, " I told them, " Let's get on with this... "

> And on and on they droned while the reel-to-reel played in my head over and

> over and over again.

>

> At 5 p.m. I got a call from my publisher... " Come see me, " he said. Shit, I

> thought. I'm gonna have to work tomorrow. Now I was mad!!! Angry really but

> looking back, *mad* probably is the right word.

>

> " , " he said, " There's a problem with this $%$##$ (a program) and it

> looks like you're going to have to work again tomorrow. "

>

> I lost it! " I've had it! " I shouted. " I can't go on working like this! I

> have a family, you know...this is fucken nuts!!!! I can't keep going on like

> this!!! " and I stormed out out there, got into my car, and literally melted

> into a sobbing heap of I-dunno-what. I don't even remember the drive home.

> (Norrmally on Fridays, I'd need to work til 7 p.m.--an 11 hr. day and here I

> was leaving at 5 p.m.)

>

> Now back then, my husband worked straight afternoons, so Fridays required a

> babysitter since he'd leave before I got home. Got home around 5:30 p.m.,

> paid the babysitter and just broke down. Literally! Right in front of my

> kids!!! " What's wrong mummy, what's wrong " ...God, I can still see the

> terror/confusion in their little faces!!! The phone rang...It was my husband

> wanting to know what the obgyn had said...Again I lost it...sobbing

> uncontrollably while my children watched on!!!! Blurted out I probably had

> cancer but couldn't talk...and hung up!

>

> I tried to pull myself together...I had to for the children...so I said,

> " I'm okay...why don't we go shopping? " ...another long story why...but it was

> a good distraction...Seeing that I looked okay, they agreed. (Poor kids, they

> were 9 and 6 then...soon to be 10 and 7). Off shopping we go...I tried to

> keep it light...somehow I managed, for their sake.

>

> Meantime, my husband (unbeknownst to me of course) told his boss what had

> happened. His boss told him to get the hell out of there and go home where he

> was needed. He did...but we weren't there. Shopping, he thought, they must

> have gone shopping. (Now remember, we live in a big city with plenty of

> shopping malls). He went to one, couldn't find us and determined, he went to

> another...by some miracle (and yes, I do believe in them) he found us in the

> city's largest shopping mall. What I felt upon seeing him is indescribable!!!!

>

> But by then, Ben (the six year old), was growing cranky and tired of

> shopping...so we agreed to split up...boys with the boys (so they could go

> look at cool sporting stuff) and girls with girls so we could continue

> looking for clothes. We agreed to meet at 8 p.m. at a certain place. Long

> story short, we missed each other and after looking for each other for nearly

> an hour, I decided to head home, confident the boys would be there ... they

> weren't. They continued to search...Ben growing more and more hysterical...In

> his mind...mummy comes home and falls apart...now mummy is gone! something

> horrible has happened to mummy.

>

> I try to have them paged at the mall--they don't hear it! Finally at 10 or

> so, maybe later, I don't recall--they arrive home. Ben (and a who is now

> worried about the boys!) is hysterical. I try to calm him down, we order

> pizza, try to make light of it!!! It seems to work (wanna bet???)

>

> Next day, we all get up--aha, I have to go to work...we laugh about the

> night before--but clearly both children are still shaken by it...I try to

> assuage their unspoken fears and head off to work. Worked til noon, come back

> home...kids are still " off " ... " Let's all go shopping, " I say... " At a

> different mall this time together...no separating. " Everyone agrees.

>

> We get to the mall parking lot, park and make our way to the entrance...and

> Ben starts ticcing...I mean violent, violent head/neck jerks that look like

> he will snap his neck...and between the car and the entrance, he does it

> hundreds of times literally!!!! He can't stop himself, he tells us. He

> doesn't know why.

>

> Fear grips my heart! The ticcing continues all weekend unabated...he tics

> all day long...sometimes adding facial grimaces that I ascribe to the

> tics...It continues on Sunday. Monday, (my freakin deadline day!) I call the

> doctor's office and describe what's going on. They are concerned. Bring him

> in, they say. I can't. It's deadline day (oh god, this is so painful to

> write!!!) It will have to wait til Thursday then they tell me...with a broken

> heart, with a heart so heavy that I think it may fall out of my chest, I

> agree--Thursday it will have to be.

>

> His dramatic tics continue all week...crossing the street to go to school he

> tics dozens and dozens of times...each day...and upon returning home from

> school, the tics return too!!!

>

> It doesn't even occur to me to call the school, his teacher, to see how he

> does at school. He reassures me that in class he doesn't tic.

>

> Thursday arrives...8:30 a.m. doctor's appt...(Ben hates to miss school). We

> take two cars...my husband will take Ben back to school after the appt and I,

> of course, will return to work. Completely unprepared for what she is about

> to tell us, I think I will be going back to work.

>

> She does a manual neurological check on him--sees the tics for herself...and

> is clearly concerned. " I dunno, " she said, " It could be anything. It could be

> anything from epilepsy to a brain tumor to behavioral...I dunno. We'll need

> to do tests immediately. "

>

> Stunned, takes Ben back to school and I get in my car--again

> fighting back tears/confusion/a mental pain so profound it feels

> physical--and go to do a photo assignment, pasting on this damndable smile

> that everything is okay.

>

> I do the assignment, head back to the office and completely and utterly lose

> it! I mean lose it! A friend sees me...asks me what's wrong...between sobs I

> tell her...she advises me to call the school to ask how Ben is doing

> there...she is crying with me...I call...his teacher tells me in fact she's

> noticed something IS wrong with him. He's not his usual self. His is sad,

> down, won't look at her in the face...just " not Ben " , she says. I hang

> up...absolutely dumbfounded...absolutely lost!!! My friend tells me, no, she

> orders me to go home...I do...and I never return again....

>

> The rest is pretty much history.

>

> For those who have read all of this--I say thank you. For those who haven't

> been able to get through it, I understand.

>

> Much has happened these last two years...thank God they are over. Bring on

> the new millennium...I think I'm ready for this one!

>

> Happy New Year to one and all!

>

> Love, peace and hope,

>

> >>

>

> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> Subject: One mighty long exposure exercise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 08:19:40 EST

> From: DHu1017467@...

> ts-adult@...

>

> Hi folks!

>

> Happy New Year...Y2K...it's here...and man what a trigger it's been for me.

> This is a vent, a relieving kind of vent and chances are good it's gonna be

> long but I need to write this --- need to send it off into never-never

> land...need to share this with people who understand. Please bear with

> me....or just quit now (that was your warning LOL).

>

> As we were lounging around here last night, watching the world usher in the

> year 2000 time zone after time zone, memories of how the arrival of this

> night had so long frightened me were fired off in my OCD brain as surely as

> the fireworks in each city! Anticipatory anxiety? God, I've lived with this

> for some 30-odd years.

>

> A long time ago--I don't remember how old I was, only that I was a youngster,

> 5, 6, 7...???---my mother told us some convoluted story about how the world

> would end by the year 2000. And she drew a pretty frightening picture about

> how it would end--it would rain fire and it would be horrible. That story did

> many things to my psyche--to my OCD. It made me fear fire, it made me fear

> each coming new year, thinking we were one year closer to this world-ending

> event.

>

> As I grew older, I began to see things that made her story seem like it would

> come true. As I became aware of things like nuclear warheads, etc. it seemed

> to be some sort of prophecy of what would come before the year 2000.