Re: Explosions/Homework

[Guest guest]

Hi:

How are all of you? I was on the list before the summer began. My

daughter, , is 16 years of age and has ocd. She has had many problems

both with school and physical symptoms relating to ocd. In May I wrote alot

about her problems. At one point we thought she had heart problems and then

anorexia. Both turned out to be " side symptoms " of ocd. Her heart problems

were actually anxiety attacks and the anorexia was more of an eating problem.

I took a break from the list which I think can be good for all of us.

I found myself on here all the time. I needed more time to be away from the

problems of ocd. This list is a wonderful support system but I found myself

unable to break away from ocd even in my spare time.

is currently doing CBT 2X a week at the Center for Anxieties in

Philadelphia. This is Edna Foa's program. She is in her 8th week and I think

its helping but I can't say if it will last or if the symptoms will change

into other ones. I will keep you all informed. School for her is much less

anxiety producing as I finally got her into special ed. Last year she had an

Iep which gives special accomodations but does not put her into special

classes. Now she has many inclusion classes where there are 2 teachers and

lots of support. The best support she has is a study skills class where 3

times a week first period she can take tests, do homework or other work that

she was too stressed to do at other times. I strongly suggest this for

parents who are struggling with their children about homework and school. If

she has a bad night, she can do her homework the next night as long as she

has a note from me.

Gail, I sympathize with you and all others who struggle with their mate

as well. Unfortunately ocd affects all of us in a family and its hard to

keep your relationship together with all of it. Sometimes, we don't have

anything left to give anyone else.

My husband is my daughter's step dad. They don't get along and I worry so

much that he is actually causing her ocd to get worse. He treats her well but

they have alot of conflicts. I think of leaving him just to make her have

less anxiety. Yes, I know that is not healthy for her either, however. She

will always have conflicts and I can't take them all away for her.

Ocd is an ongoing battle for all of us who have a child or loved one

with it. I wish you all well. Please take out time in some way to be alone

and do something just for yourselves. It is the best thing you can do for

your child. SSacks

[Guest guest]

> From: sfaust@...

>

> After reading the past few posts, I can't believe how much OCD seems

> to be the same " in its own way " with our children. I am really frustrated

> right now as to " what is " ocd and what isn't when it comes to Tyler's

> behavior. My husband seems to be doing a better job than I am in this.

> I am so tired of explosions from Tyler and myself over things he can't

> control and I can't seem to understand that he can't control. How do

> others keep these explosions under control. We must have had three last

> night alone! I get so frustrated and angry with my so-called parenting.

> Does any one else get so angry that they feel like they could kill some

> one (not really but the anger is there)?

Yes I get this angry but I try to keep in mind it's the ocd I'm angry at--my

daughter (5) gets pretty mad at it too. We talk often of kicking ocd,

stomping on ocd, killing it in some dramatic (and satisfying!) way. I made

myself nuts for a few months after her diagnosis, trying to tease out what

was and wasn't ocd behavior. But finally I figured out, in my daughter at

least, even if a behavior wasn't clearly obsession or compulsion-related, it

was still ocd related because ocd just bugs and bothers and puts the

sufferer in an irritable mood. When *I'm* frustrated and irritable, I'm not

very cooperative or pleasant either. And I'm a grownup, I should know

better!

The one helpful thing we got from Kel's first counselor was that " high

expressed emotion " made ocd worse. Basically losing it, anger, yelling,

tears, etc., makes things worse for the ocd sufferer and the whole family in

an escalating vicious circle.

Maybe you could work on siding with your child against ocd as the enemy. I

know in our family adopting this perspective went a long way in making

living with ocd bearable. The other thing is doing e & rp, my child felt so

pulled by ocd that it seemed to her hopeless to even think of *not* doing

what ocd said. With her first small success of bossing back her whole

outlook changed and she started feeling some control over ocd. The key we

found is to ignore what seems like thousands of ocd things that are still

bothering, and focus on the things that she's overcome.

When all else fails, I put myself in " time-out " to calm down. I just tell

Kel that ocd is really bugging me right now and I'm feeling really fussy.

She kind of likes this, Mom being in time-out. :-)

Since your husband is coping so well, why not arrange to see a movie or run

errands for a couple of hours? Kel's ocd and behavior are worse for me than

anyone else, including her dad. I had to force myself to leave at first but

it does break the vicious circle plus gives me some down time.

Others will surely have some good coping suggestions as well. Almost

everything I've learned these past few months about living with ocd has come

from this list. (((hugs Sandy)))

Kathy R. in Indiana

[Guest guest]

Hi,

sfaust@... wrote:

> After reading the past few posts, I can't believe how much OCD seems

> to be the same " in its own way " with our children. I am really frustrated

> right now as to " what is " ocd and what isn't when it comes to Tyler's

> behavior.

There is always clear OCD behaviour, obvious often repetitive and annoying

behaviour to the person with OCD (and possibly worrisome to others). Then I

would say there are hidden OCD behaviors that a child does not want other's to

know about, and lastly there are the behaviors born out of the frustrations

that are caused by the above descriptions. More or less many children with OCD

have other cognitive and developmental problems too. This also can cause a

great deal of anxiety and low self esteem and in turn more behaviour problems.

Then on top of all this, these children are growing up... a tough enough

journey.

It's hard as parents not to walk around with a 'curative' attitude towards our

kids. It is very hard especially when you are living within immediate crisis

times. I know :-( The bad stuff takes over the family's life. Yet I am now

trying to wear a 'developer' attitude. We all know what our children's skills

are, their strength's and the good that is in them. Making all their positives

work for them in the world... trying at least... it's the best direction I've

found so far.

> My husband seems to be doing a better job than I am in this.

> I am so tired of explosions from Tyler and myself over things he can't

> control and I can't seem to understand that he can't control. How do

> others keep these explosions under control. We must have had three last

> night alone!

Set limits to the very worst of behaviour and stick to them. Acknowledge his

frustrations. Encourage a safer outlet for Tyler's frustrations. Offer him the

ability to be free to ask for help when he is ready to face and fight back his

OCD.

> I get so frustrated and angry with my so-called parenting.

> Does any one else get so angry that they feel like they could kill some

> one (not really but the anger is there)?

Yes! Anger and depression can often creep it's way into the rest of the family

members within an OCD home. Please take care of yourself as well.

> Like I said, we have only been

> diagnosed a little less than a year and I feel like I still don't know

> what we are dealing with. Are these episodes what some of you are

> referring to as " meltdowns " ? I'm sorry, I am still trying to learn

> the lingo.

I'm sure you will become stronger with experience and knowledge.

> I wanted to let you know the outcome of our staffing.

> This is a meeting with all of his teachers. They all say that they

> believe him to be doing fine. However, they dont' live at my home and

> see the agony and frustration with his homework. Reducing, I believe,

> is not an option. He could have just one subject with 10 problems and

> it would still taker well over 2 hours to complete. Has anyone had

> homework issues?

Yes! Very similar problem with our Tori. Tyler may have a perfectionist issue

and/or a compulsion to order his letters and numbers. Both are means to reduce

or deal with some kind of anxiety. Cognitive conditioning and/or medication

may very well help. There are also issues of fine motor skills and Tyler's

abilities to keep his mind on track which could also add to his frustration.

Be inventive. Create with Tyler and the school a solution that will work

(easier said than done). Don't make Tyler bend in directions he can't just to

satisfy a school board's way of assessing how your child learns.

Education today is defined by the quickest route to assessment. My statement

:-I

> Have you ever considered using or have used a tutor?

Tori had what is called " home instruction " for grade 7 and 8. It consisted of

4 hours per week of math and language. Not the best solution. The one thing we

gained from this was what we witnessed first hand - how Tori best was taught.

The teacher acted as a scribe for much of the written work, the rest was

mostly verbal learning, questions, answers and conversation. Tori is in grade

9 this year... a whole new kettle of fish to deal with, high school, or I

should say the lack of a high school diploma has much more impact on a child's

future choices.

All the best

from Canada

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for the pain and anger you are feeling. Just know that I feel it

too. My husband can't get a handle on the whole OCD thing so I handle it

all. When I can't handle it, he will try to help. Yes it makes me angry, so

angry I have thrown things. I have said things I regret as well. I feel

that the explosions are " meltdowns " . That is what I call them.

The one thing that has saved my sanity is knowing that my daughter isn't

alone and neither am I. I NEVER believed that other kids did the same things

that she does and I am so thankful to have found that bit of information

out. 4 years later the anger is still there but subsiding. Finally we are

getting a handle on the whole concept of, it isn't our daughter it is her

OCD.

Sincerely,

sfaust@... wrote:

> From: sfaust@...

>

> After reading the past few posts, I can't believe how much OCD seems

> to be the same " in its own way " with our children. I am really frustrated

> right now as to " what is " ocd and what isn't when it comes to Tyler's

> behavior. My husband seems to be doing a better job than I am in this.

> I am so tired of explosions from Tyler and myself over things he can't

> control and I can't seem to understand that he can't control. How do

> others keep these explosions under control. We must have had three last

> night alone! I get so frustrated and angry with my so-called parenting.

> Does any one else get so angry that they feel like they could kill some

> one (not really but the anger is there)? Like I said, we have only been

> diagnosed a little less than a year and I feel like I still don't know

> what we are dealing with. Are these episodes what some of you are

> referring to as " meltdowns " ? I'm sorry, I am still trying to learn

> the lingo. I wanted to let you know the outcome of our staffing.

> This is a meeting with all of his teachers. They all say that they

> believe him to be doing fine. However, they dont' live at my home and

> see the agony and frustration with his homework. Reducing, I believe,

> is not an option. He could have just one subject with 10 problems and

> it would still taker well over 2 hours to complete. Has anyone had

> homework issues? Have you ever considered using or have used a tutor?

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

--

Knod

The Dental Site

http://www.dentalsite.com

mailto:kelly@...

For Banner Advertising information:

http://www.dentalsite.com/sponsors.html.

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

My daughter, , had outburst (storms, meltdowns) on a daily basis a

number of times during the day and night. She would even get up - up to six

times at night and scream. Things are a hundred times better now (therapy

and meds.). But, I've been there for a good five years of that. From

serving the wrong food, to not all the lights off, or the windows the right

height, or the bed spread crooked, not getting the exact toy, etc., etc.,

etc. And yes " Anger " was really there. It took alot of counseling as

parents to " stay calm " . And yes it still is a challenge...

Stay Calm - in PA

Explosions/Homework

>From: sfaust@...

>

>After reading the past few posts, I can't believe how much OCD seems

>to be the same " in its own way " with our children. I am really frustrated

>right now as to " what is " ocd and what isn't when it comes to Tyler's

>behavior. My husband seems to be doing a better job than I am in this.

>I am so tired of explosions from Tyler and myself over things he can't

>control and I can't seem to understand that he can't control. How do

>others keep these explosions under control. We must have had three last

>night alone! I get so frustrated and angry with my so-called parenting.

>Does any one else get so angry that they feel like they could kill some

>one (not really but the anger is there)? Like I said, we have only been

>diagnosed a little less than a year and I feel like I still don't know

>what we are dealing with. Are these episodes what some of you are

>referring to as " meltdowns " ? I'm sorry, I am still trying to learn

>the lingo. I wanted to let you know the outcome of our staffing.

>This is a meeting with all of his teachers. They all say that they

>believe him to be doing fine. However, they dont' live at my home and

>see the agony and frustration with his homework. Reducing, I believe,

>is not an option. He could have just one subject with 10 problems and

>it would still taker well over 2 hours to complete. Has anyone had

>homework issues? Have you ever considered using or have used a tutor?

>

>>You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

>listserv@... .

>In the body of your message write:

>subscribe OCD-L your name.

>The archives for the OCD and

>Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

>Enter your email address and password.

>Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.

>

[Guest guest]

From: sfaust@...

> Reducing, I believe,

>is not an option. He could have just one subject with 10 problems and

>it would still taker well over 2 hours to complete. Has anyone had

>homework issues? Have you ever considered using or have used a tutor?

Oh, yes, lots of problem. had an awful junior year last year. A lot

attributed to the load of the homework. His English gave him books to read in

advance, but, in the meatime, still have him work on the current book. That

means, that teacher expected chris to read the future book while studying the

book being worked on. Later on, she accused not being able to finish the

book and she gave him three extra week! often got stucked on reading the

same page. How could he read two books within three weeks? This showed how

ignorant that teacher was. Amazingly, the school psychologist agreed with that

teacher. On his AP Physics course, could not do any homework at all.

Since he also missed school lots of days, he missed a lot of tests as well and

probably got lots of zeros on them. Therefore, his final grade was either C or

D (I forgot, since not important). But, he got a " 5 " on his AP Physics II exam.

He outporformed a lot of his classmates on this AP exam. His school was amazed

with his achievement. Learning from this, I knew that homework should not be a

key factor to determine the knowledge on the subject.

I still think that reducing the homework load (even down to zero) will release

lots of pressure and relief much of the OCD symptoms. By going through the

painful junior year, I also leanred that it's very unfair to test our ocder with

the quantity of the work they can do. They should be tested with the quality

and how much they know on the subject, not how much they can do. If homework is

a problem, why cann't the teacher use a different way to measure? For example,

verbally ask him questions on the materials. Why does it have to be written one?

now goes to the college. Otherwise, I would have insisted on reducing

homework for him in his senior year. I knew that the amount of homework

accumulated there was overwhelming and made CHris's OCD symptom worse.

Please rethink this reducing homework issue. Why do we have to burden our ocder

unnecessarily? My heart goes with you! It brought back those terrible,

unpleasant memories.

TC

[Guest guest]

Hi All, I would like to find out if anyone has had problems with an increase

in aggression and rages using the antidepressant medications with their

children. My son who is about to be 14 started using Effexor about 2 mos.

ago. Although he says it is helping him with the ocd I have noticed he has

become more aggressive and reactive. I am trying to differentiate between

adolescent rebellion and the possible side effects of the medication. Thanks,

h

[Guest guest]

HI H,

My daughter takes Prozac and we did have a time (two or three months)

when she first started taking it that she had virtually no impulse

control. She was 5 then and so this meant tantrums, teasing the cat,

violent cravings for sweets and incredible behavior such as standing up

and walking across the dining room table during dinner. Thank heaven

these side effects were temporary. We've found since then that Prozac

is a very good drug for her and the side effects are now very minimal.

Take care,

Lesli (Bay Area)

KARENH512@... wrote:

>

> From: KARENH512@...

>

> Hi All, I would like to find out if anyone has had problems with an increase

> in aggression and rages using the antidepressant medications with their

> children. My son who is about to be 14 started using Effexor about 2 mos.

> ago. Although he says it is helping him with the ocd I have noticed he has

> become more aggressive and reactive. I am trying to differentiate between

> adolescent rebellion and the possible side effects of the medication. Thanks,

> h

>

> > You may subscribe to the OCD-L by emailing

> listserv@... .

> In the body of your message write:

> subscribe OCD-L your name.

> The archives for the OCD and

> Parenting List may be accessed by going to

> .

> Enter your email address and password.

> Click on the highlighted list name and then click on index.