Re: need wisdom

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy:

Sorry to hear your daughter missed her swim lesson due to OCD. For us it

has been hard to have a set policy for dealing with these OCD " attacks " .

It is so disappointing for a kid with OCD when they lose out on things

because OCD took over for a while.

One approach that helps at times is just to recognize what is. Sometimes

OCD does win one, even if they are becoming masters of bossing back. I

just tell Steve, looks like this is a bit of a bad day/time right now.

Tomorrow will probably be a better day for bossing OCD back. Protecting

them too much from the negative consequences of their OCD is often a trap

we have to try our best to sidestep.

Insisting on their doing something when they have an OCD attack is also

taking responsibility for their behavior away from them. This seems harsh

with such a young girl but unfortunately our kids have to learn to manage

their difficult behaviors as young as possible so they can thrive in

society. Sometimes we have insisted, mostly when we were not willing to

miss a fun family outing, then we have had to be willing to have a hellish

time with a lot of verbal diarrhea and attitude for the first 20-30

minutes. When it is something they want to do it might be best to use that

desire to motivate them to boss back under very tough circumstances.

What you did, taking her for a swim later was excellent. She did not miss

swimming, just the lesson. She also obviously turned things around after

being so upset.

One of the hard things is dealing with her blaming you. She is angry at

OCD and needs to vent. As someone who is rather impatient this upset me a

lot, being blamed for the result of something I hated so much, OCD. What I

tell myself so I can deal with the excessive negativity is that as his

mother I am the safest person to get angry with. Not that I am giving him

permission to be a jerk but I am trying to calm myself down for serving as

a wick for his anger.

This behavior (blaming anger directed at family) became a target for

therapy where we explained to Steve that we were holding him responsible

for doing his best to keep his cool and resist his impulses towards verbal

diarrhea. We told him he can think these things but he must work on not

expressing them as they were too damaging to others. He has done very well

with this and it has taken quite a while to turn around. Now we compliment

him when he has an attack and manages to stay civil.

I'll bet that she will be ready and willing for the next lesson, she will

do some excellent punching through. Take care, aloha, Kathy (Ha)

kathyh@...

You wrote:

>Hi list, I need some collective wisdom. My daughter, 5, OCD, experiences

high anxiety and much difficulty going just about anywhere, however up 'til

now she has *wanted* to punch though and go (to school, to WalMart, to a

friend's house, wherever.) She was excited about going to swimming lessons

the first day, went through her usual anxiety, and enjoyed herself while

there. Today she had what looked to me her usual level of anxiety, but had

a big anxiety-fueled tantrum when it was time to leave, and we ended up

missing the lesson. Later she was extremely angry (at me!) that she missed

the lesson.

>

>My question is, do I insist she go to swimming lessons, or wherever?

>Encourage, but leave it to her? Or what? At her age I wouldn't otherwise

>leave these decisions entirely up to her if OCD and anxiety weren't

>involved. She doesn't have OCD issues about swimming; she happily swam

>the afternoon away later at the community pool. What's a good policy?

>

>Kathy R. in Indiana

[Guest guest]

Hi Kathy R.

Because you used the word tantrum, I'm going to focus on that!!

>>Today she had what looked to me her usual level of anxiety, but had a big

>>anxiety-fueled tantrum when it was time to leave, and we ended up missing

>>the lesson. Later she was extremely angry (at me!) that she missed the

>>lesson.<< ... >> She doesn't have OCD issues about swimming; she happily

>>swam the afternoon away later at the community pool. <<

Did you ask her why she acted how she did?? I really encourage problem

solving. It gives kids some control and teaching them negotiating and

compromising skills. Before the next swimming lesson, discuss her behaviour

- address it - and ask her what she expects you to do to help her. She may

say, leave earlier, or let me choose which suit to wear! Look together for

the source of the anxiety.

This could be a control issue. Perhaps you could work on a compromise

such as: if you are ready in 10 minutes and in the car, we'll go for a treat

afterwards. Bribery works around here!

Since she likes to swim, the lessons help her with structure, a part of

her life she cant avoid. If the competition to succeed is too hard, then

ensure her that she doesnt have to be the best, just have fun in the group.

Perfectionism is hard for all the kids, let alone a 5 yo.

I hope this has answered some of your questions. Feel free to ask more -

you know all or any of us will answer!!!!!

take care, wendy in canada

[Guest guest]

Dear Kathy,

Sometimes it helps to look at these OCD issues from off center. For

example, last summer we realized that andra's anxiety about her

swimming lessons really stemmed from a fear of the underwater lights at

that specific pool, rather than about swimming itself, which she usually

loves. We also experienced many meltdowns over changing in the poolside

dressing room with its icky, wet floors, but discovered andra was

perfectly happy to ride home in a damp swimming suit and then change at

home. So my point is that perhaps there is some changeable circumstance

surrounding the lessons that could be modified to help lessen your

daughter's anxiety and build a more " can-do, " attitude to help her boss

back.

Other tricks that have worked for us in the past include signing her up

to go with a friend to lessons, or scheduling lessons/activities during

times when my husband could take her, as she is generally less

" OCD-ish, " with him than with me.

Finally, as andra approaches age six, I am starting to notice that

sixes can be very passionate about their opinions while, at the same

time, frequently changing their minds and being just as passionate about

something else the next day or even the next hour. Forcing them rarely

seems to work at this age. (I can't tell you how many different " best

friends " andra has had this week alone.) Try to stay as calm and

detached as is humanly possible!

Take care, Kathy,

Lesli (S.F. Bay)

Kathy wrote:

> Hi list, I need some collective wisdom. My daughter, 5, OCD,

> experiences high anxiety and much difficulty going just about

> anywhere, however up 'til now she has *wanted* to punch though and go

> (to school, to WalMart, to a friend's house, wherever.) She was

> excited about going to swimming lessons the first day, went through

> her usual anxiety, and enjoyed herself while there. Today she had

> what looked to me her usual level of anxiety, but had a big

> anxiety-fueled tantrum when it was time to leave, and we ended up

> missing the lesson. Later she was extremely angry (at me!) that she

> missed the lesson. My question is, do I insist she go to swimming

> lessons, or wherever? Encourage, but leave it to her? Or what? At

> her age I wouldn't otherwise leave these decisions entirely up to her

> if OCD and anxiety weren't involved. She doesn't have OCD issues

> about swimming; she happily swam the afternoon away later at the

> community pool. What's a good policy? Kathy R. in Indiana