Thanks... and responses.

[Guest guest]

I have received a lot of responses to my "Looking for... something" post and I want to say thank you for taking the time out of your life to help someone else! Please forgive me for the length of this post as well as the possible disjointedness of it.

I got a lot of advice, suggestions, and comments regarding what's going on in my life and I wanted to respond to some of them.

Someone seemed very surprised that a doctor had declared me to be suffering from this condition since birth. Since I've really never had any on-going medical attention, the doctor is just going on what I could tell him. I told him everything that I could remember, times when I was dizzy; all the "hearing tests" I had when I was young (episodes of tinnitus); the time a doctor put me on meclazine (or whatever) for my dizziness; my almost constant feeling of being out in the ozone, disconnected from who I was and what I was doing; my recollection of my mom telling me about the time that I rolled off the bed and hit my head on the radiator and had a goose egg on my skull for weeks; and so on.

At this time, he is the only doctor I've been to regarding this condition. However, it is Dr. Grimm from Portland, Oregon -- which many people have told me is one of the foremost physicians regarding inner ear disorders in the US. I'm trying to get in to see Dr. Black for additional tests and information. I have, however, had the tests at the hospital where they stick electrodes down your ears -- which I failed miserably.

I've talked with my husband about all the information I have been given and told him that some people suggested seeing a dentist and an allergist -- sound assumptions considering the stress in my life and my known or suspected allergies.

I had some episodes early on in my life with regards to what medication I WAS given and my husband believes that I may not be as sensitive to meds as I think I am. It may simply be a psychological reaction which causes me to react the way I do. Even the thought of taking some medication makes me feel as if the walls are beginning to close in on my. On the other hand, it could be a combination of that AND also being sensitive to meds... Who knows.

However, I have taken 10mg of Zoloft which had me nauseated for about 18 hours; dizzy enough to walk on all fours from room to room and wanting to vomit every time I moved my head for about the same amount of time; and feeling as if I were going into a panic attack about every five minutes, calm down, and then begin again, for several hours.

Claritin, given to dry me up fluid wise, gives me heart palpitations.

On the whole, that's about the only thing I've tried. I do have a bottle of valium around somewhere, but the thought of taking one of those makes me very uncomfortable.

Yes, I haven't found the right medication if medication is what I need... perhaps I am just prolonging my own suffering simply out of fear. Fear of getting a med that spins me out of control or gives me symptoms that I fear aggravate my body and give me something else to worry about.

I also fear becoming addicted to drugs and, in my mind, taking drugs admits that you are weak, that you need help, and that you are not capable of handling the situation yourself. And I also believe that drugs are a bandaid, not a true way to deal with what is going on. At least I used to... I don't know what I believe anymore.

.... I guess I have a lot of fears to overcome. Some of my fears could very well be exacerbating my condition. Who knows, perhaps I don't have Meniere's or Hydrops, but something totally different. Perhaps I have several things going on inside of me and MM and Hydrops is just the tip of the iceberg.

I know my past has alot to do with how my mind works. I also know that it is that past that gives me... certain problems or "points of view" regarding emotions, beliefs about drugs, and what being a person of worth is.

Yes, I should be in counseling, not necessarily for the condition (whatever it is) I'm suffering from, but to get better from 20 some odd years of living in my version of hell. Growing up in such an environment as I leads to many psychological, sociological, mental, emotional, and physical problems. And I've tried dealing with them for years... and now I'm dealing with them at the same time as this condition.

Now... the $24,000 question is... how do I get counseling with no money, no insurance, and... where does one start when they get there? How many times must I tell my story to some stranger in order to make some valid and permanent progress? How many times can one start the process only to stop because their counselor has left the area, I run out of money to go to them, or the counselor seems to need more counseling then myself -- i.e., the counselor talks more about their life then they allow you to talk about yours?

I've never been as independent as I have wanted to be. I've always had problems maintaining employment, a home and a home life, and etc. I've had my share of surviving off welfare, surviving in rest areas, and just surviving from wake up to wake up. I have done what I needed to to survive. I have not done what needed to be done to live... I've never been able to afford to do that.

I know that there is a direct connection between my stress level, my condition, and my depression. When one side of the pyramid goes off kilter, it throws the other two off... and I've had a lot of depression and stress over my lifetime, who hasn't? In fact, I believe that my body was hit really hard in 1997 and the years following it and has never recovered. And I believe that that is why I'm feeling so terrible now -- my body has no reserves and has been running on fumes since then