Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry, long post)

[Guest guest]

I used to go through those same cycles of working out religiously,

eating well, then " falling off the wagon " once, thinking " well, screw

it, I've already messed up, so I may as well eat whatever I want " and

giving up the whole program. I was very hard on myself if I missed a

workout or ate something I shouldn't have, so I'd punish myself by

bingeing. I started BFL twice and within the first few weeks, I'd do

something " unauthorized " and instead of dealing with it and getting

back on track, I'd just decide to start the whole challenge over

again " next week. " So needless to say the rest of THAT week was spent

beating myself up, bingeing and not working out. The thing that

helped me was comparing my bf% and measurements from the first time I

started BFL to the third time. Even after all the starts and stops,

I'd lost over 18 inches and more than 5% bodyfat. That made me

realize that I'm making a lot of progress, even though I haven't been

perfect. So for me at least, this whole weight-loss thing is 2 steps

forward and 1 step back. That's such a huge relief that my #1 goal

for this 12 weeks is just to finish the challenge -- no starting

over. The 12 weeks are going to pass whether I stick to BFL or not --

I might as well use them to make myself healthy again.

One thing that might help is setting " mini-goals " to work toward

throughout the 12 weeks (because even 12 weeks can seem like a long,

LONG way off when you're in a slump). I've started setting weekly

goals, and that's helped me in 2 ways: 1) it makes me look ahead,

which helps get me out of slumps, and 2) because they're so short-

term, they seem a lot more attainable than something that's not going

to happen for 3 months or so.

That was really long, but I hope it helps! Good luck.

>

> Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very skinny kid

up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely latch-key

kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food, to

dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time spent

alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt any

difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I found

myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the point where

I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either stuff

myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to feel

successfull. I've only recently started getting help for these

problems that have haunted me for years.

> Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time again,

and for the past week I have foregone working out and my eating

habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in the

vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and depressed, but

I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate myself to

do anything aside from sleeping.

> How have you managed adversity without falling into old habits? I

know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and help me

to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again. It seems

like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great weeks!), I end

up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging, and it's

been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively afterwards

and/or diet excessively.

> Any words of encouragement or help would be much appreciated.

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That all sounds very familiar. I definitely lean toward " all or

nothing " thinking, so if I have an unauthorized food, I think, " oh,

I've messed up yet again, so I might as well start over next week. "

I do this crazy thing with dates, where I decide that I can only

start on a certain, " special " day, like my birthday, or Labor Day, or

a full moon!

It's been much harder for me to get back into the program this time

around. I was certain that once I gave it a go, I'd do better,

because I know what to do, but that hasn't proved to be so. I'm

lacking mental focus this time. I'm impatient and depressed about

having gained the weight back. I'm having a hard time focusing on

short-term goals, like you suggested, because I want my body back,

yet I know that it's not going to melt off overnight, especially if I

keep cheating.

Ah, I guess the greatest rewards come from the greatest struggles.

Thank you for your post.

Dani

> >

> > Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very skinny

kid

> up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely latch-

key

> kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food, to

> dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time spent

> alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt any

> difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I found

> myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the point

where

> I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either stuff

> myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to feel

> successfull. I've only recently started getting help for these

> problems that have haunted me for years.

> > Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time again,

> and for the past week I have foregone working out and my eating

> habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in the

> vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and depressed, but

> I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate myself to

> do anything aside from sleeping.

> > How have you managed adversity without falling into old habits?

I

> know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and help

me

> to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again. It

seems

> like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great weeks!), I

end

> up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging, and it's

> been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively afterwards

> and/or diet excessively.

> > Any words of encouragement or help would be much appreciated.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I've been that so many times in my life, Dani, so I can really appreciate what

you're going through. Your motivation and ability to stick-to-it has to come

from within from yourself ... There was never anything anyone could say to me

that would make me stay on track. I had to do that myself.

Just know that we are here for you however you need us.

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

That all sounds very familiar. I definitely lean toward " all or

nothing " thinking, so if I have an unauthorized food, I think, " oh,

I've messed up yet again, so I might as well start over next week. "

I do this crazy thing with dates, where I decide that I can only

start on a certain, " special " day, like my birthday, or Labor Day, or

a full moon!

It's been much harder for me to get back into the program this time

around. I was certain that once I gave it a go, I'd do better,

because I know what to do, but that hasn't proved to be so. I'm

lacking mental focus this time. I'm impatient and depressed about

having gained the weight back. I'm having a hard time focusing on

short-term goals, like you suggested, because I want my body back,

yet I know that it's not going to melt off overnight, especially if I

keep cheating.

Ah, I guess the greatest rewards come from the greatest struggles.

Thank you for your post.

Dani

> >

> > Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very skinny

kid

> up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely latch-

key

> kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food, to

> dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time spent

> alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt any

> difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I found

> myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the point

where

> I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either stuff

> myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to feel

> successfull. I've only recently started getting help for these

> problems that have haunted me for years.

> > Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time again,

> and for the past week I have foregone working out and my eating

> habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in the

> vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and depressed, but

> I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate myself to

> do anything aside from sleeping.

> > How have you managed adversity without falling into old habits?

I

> know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and help

me

> to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again. It

seems

> like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great weeks!), I

end

> up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging, and it's

> been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively afterwards

> and/or diet excessively.

> > Any words of encouragement or help would be much appreciated.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I agree, Rita. I think 99% of losing weight and not gaining it back

is mental focus. I still don't understand how I can allow myself to

slip-up when I want this so badly. I really want to lose the weight

again. I'm unhappy being this size, and I KNOW what I need to do. I

know I need to eat clean, yet I still manage to mess up time and

again.

Why??? What is it about that instant gratification a piece of cake

provides that makes it so powerful? I wish I could just say " no. "

I'm able to say " no " to everything else (drugs, cigarettes, liquor,

you name it), yet food is my downfall. I get so frustrated with

myself. You are right, though, I'm the only one who can help me.

This group is wonderful, and I know everyone is here to listen, but,

ultimately, I control my own destiny.

Thank you for listening.

Dani

> > >

> > > Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very

skinny

> kid

> > up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely

latch-

> key

> > kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food,

to

> > dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time

spent

> > alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt

any

> > difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I

found

> > myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the point

> where

> > I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either

stuff

> > myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to feel

> > successfull. I've only recently started getting help for these

> > problems that have haunted me for years.

> > > Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time

again,

> > and for the past week I have foregone working out and my eating

> > habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in the

> > vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and depressed,

but

> > I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate

myself to

> > do anything aside from sleeping.

> > > How have you managed adversity without falling into old

habits?

> I

> > know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and

help

> me

> > to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again. It

> seems

> > like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great weeks!),

I

> end

> > up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging, and

it's

> > been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively

afterwards

> > and/or diet excessively.

> > > Any words of encouragement or help would be much appreciated.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ---------------------------------

> > > Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I'm with you. I wish I could do without my 'all or nothing'

mentality as well. But it's more about trying to have a healthy, non-

threatening relationship with food too, you know? I feel like, if I

completely deprive myself of something, then I'm gonna be even more

unhappy. When I was on vacation last week, I ate peanut brittle.

Mmmm, mmm peanut brittle. I haven't had it since I was a kid. And I

knew it was bad for me, but I ate it anyway. And I dont' regret it

at all!!! I did go off the wagon a bit, but that was my own doing

and it had nothing at all to do with the peanut brittle (OK, if I

keep saying peanut brittle, I can remember how good it tasted!!!)

Anyway, keep it up, you're still with us aren't you!! So that's great

progress. We will make it through these 12 weeks together!

Do you have any suggestions for some weekly goals? That would

certainly help me out. Smaller goals are better for me to grasp.

What did we do a few weeks back? We had a week 'challenge' set up, I

forgot what it was. Anyone???

Jana *back on track and ready to kick some BFL booty*

> > > >

> > > > Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very

> skinny

> > kid

> > > up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely

> latch-

> > key

> > > kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food,

> to

> > > dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time

> spent

> > > alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt

> any

> > > difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I

> found

> > > myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the

point

> > where

> > > I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either

> stuff

> > > myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to

feel

> > > successfull. I've only recently started getting help for

these

> > > problems that have haunted me for years.

> > > > Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time

> again,

> > > and for the past week I have foregone working out and my

eating

> > > habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in

the

> > > vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and

depressed,

> but

> > > I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate

> myself to

> > > do anything aside from sleeping.

> > > > How have you managed adversity without falling into old

> habits?

> > I

> > > know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and

> help

> > me

> > > to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again.

It

> > seems

> > > like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great

weeks!),

> I

> > end

> > > up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging,

and

> it's

> > > been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively

> afterwards

> > > and/or diet excessively.

> > > > Any words of encouragement or help would be much

appreciated.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I remember it vaguely ... just a challenge to see who ate clean and hit their

10's! Was that it?

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

I'm with you. I wish I could do without my 'all or nothing'

mentality as well. But it's more about trying to have a healthy, non-

threatening relationship with food too, you know? I feel like, if I

completely deprive myself of something, then I'm gonna be even more

unhappy. When I was on vacation last week, I ate peanut brittle.

Mmmm, mmm peanut brittle. I haven't had it since I was a kid. And I

knew it was bad for me, but I ate it anyway. And I dont' regret it

at all!!! I did go off the wagon a bit, but that was my own doing

and it had nothing at all to do with the peanut brittle (OK, if I

keep saying peanut brittle, I can remember how good it tasted!!!)

Anyway, keep it up, you're still with us aren't you!! So that's great

progress. We will make it through these 12 weeks together!

Do you have any suggestions for some weekly goals? That would

certainly help me out. Smaller goals are better for me to grasp.

What did we do a few weeks back? We had a week 'challenge' set up, I

forgot what it was. Anyone???

Jana *back on track and ready to kick some BFL booty*

> > > >

> > > > Geez Dani, you sound so much like me. I too was a very

> skinny

> > kid

> > > up until 13-14 when I hit puberty and became a very lonely

> latch-

> > key

> > > kid. I went from never having a particular interest in food,

> to

> > > dieting and then relying on binging to fill that void of time

> spent

> > > alone after school... which later escalated to anytime I felt

> any

> > > difficult emotion. Years later, after much yo-yo dieting, I

> found

> > > myself struggling with an eating disorder. It got to the

point

> > where

> > > I allowed it to take over my life -- I used food to either

> stuff

> > > myself as punishment or for comfort, or starving myself to

feel

> > > successfull. I've only recently started getting help for

these

> > > problems that have haunted me for years.

> > > > Right now I'm going through a difficult and stressful time

> again,

> > > and for the past week I have foregone working out and my

eating

> > > habits can very well be advertising for any brand found in

the

> > > vending machine. I'm so dissapointed in myself and

depressed,

> but

> > > I've just been so upset lately it's been hard to motivate

> myself to

> > > do anything aside from sleeping.

> > > > How have you managed adversity without falling into old

> habits?

> > I

> > > know BFL makes me feel great and will get me to my goals and

> help

> > me

> > > to conquer my eating disorder, but I've hit a slump again.

It

> > seems

> > > like anytime I make progress (which I did for 3 great

weeks!),

> I

> > end

> > > up sabbotaging myself somehow. Then I go back to binging,

and

> it's

> > > been hard to resist the urge to exercise compulsively

> afterwards

> > > and/or diet excessively.

> > > > Any words of encouragement or help would be much

appreciated.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ---------------------------------

> > > > Post your ad for free now! Canada Personals

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Dani,

I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you forgive

yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not be

able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

familiar?)

You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be an

intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on in

her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but don't

think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

worthless.

Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

Alys

[Guest guest]

Alys, Rita and Jana,

Thank you for your kind words. Alys, you are so right. I realize

that I have to accept the size I am now and move on. I can see that

what I'm doing is leading me into a viscious cycle of bingeing, guilt

and depression. I have such a " defeatist " mentality. I figure I've

already failed, so why even bother? It's such a self-destructive

pattern of thinking. I'm very aware of it, yet I continue to engage

in it.

To answer your question, Rita, even though I resisted all those yummy

desserts I made for my friend on Saturday, I felt so bad sitting by

myself on Sat. night (since I was too ashamed of my weight gain to go

to the party) that I ended up bingeing for the first time in four

weeks. I felt horrible about it on Sunday morning; I was so wraught

with guilt and shame, that I did it again (to, ironically, soothe the

guilt and shame). Monday and Tuesday were better, but I haven't been

eating clean. Today, instead of getting right back on BFL, I haven't

eaten anything yet, because I feel like I've eaten so much the last

four days I can stand to do without.

Once I start this pattern, I don't know how to stop. With each day

that passes, it's harder to take that first step, because I feel that

I've failed already. I'm leaving for Boston on Sunday, and I can't

believe I had such a set-back the week before I leave. It's going to

be stressful enough (new place, new job, new people) without this in

tow. I just don't want to fall completely off the wagon again.

That's how it started last time in England, four days turned into a

week, which turned into a month, which turned into a 38 pound weight

gain. I can't allow that to happen again. I'm seriously freaking

out.

Dani

> Dani,

>

> I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

> beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

forgive

> yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not

be

> able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

> THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

> familiar?)

>

> You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be

an

> intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on

in

> her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

don't

> think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

> worthless.

>

> Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

> proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

>

> Alys

[Guest guest]

Dani - Stop the cycle now!!! I always feel too full on Monday morning after

free day and never want my first meal. I used to think this way ... " I pigged

out last night so my body is full of nutrients (it wasn't - mainly just salty

grease) so I will not eat all day. " Then at 9:00pm ... " I haven't eaten all

day! I can have a giant plate of nachos for dinner! " and so the cycle goes.

Come on, Dani! You are a smart woman who knows your body needs a constant

stream of nutrition - clean foods! Get off that merry-go-round right now! You

will be super hot when you get back from Boston. Those weeks are going to pass

any way you choose to live them.

Park

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Alys, Rita and Jana,

Thank you for your kind words. Alys, you are so right. I realize

that I have to accept the size I am now and move on. I can see that

what I'm doing is leading me into a viscious cycle of bingeing, guilt

and depression. I have such a " defeatist " mentality. I figure I've

already failed, so why even bother? It's such a self-destructive

pattern of thinking. I'm very aware of it, yet I continue to engage

in it.

To answer your question, Rita, even though I resisted all those yummy

desserts I made for my friend on Saturday, I felt so bad sitting by

myself on Sat. night (since I was too ashamed of my weight gain to go

to the party) that I ended up bingeing for the first time in four

weeks. I felt horrible about it on Sunday morning; I was so wraught

with guilt and shame, that I did it again (to, ironically, soothe the

guilt and shame). Monday and Tuesday were better, but I haven't been

eating clean. Today, instead of getting right back on BFL, I haven't

eaten anything yet, because I feel like I've eaten so much the last

four days I can stand to do without.

Once I start this pattern, I don't know how to stop. With each day

that passes, it's harder to take that first step, because I feel that

I've failed already. I'm leaving for Boston on Sunday, and I can't

believe I had such a set-back the week before I leave. It's going to

be stressful enough (new place, new job, new people) without this in

tow. I just don't want to fall completely off the wagon again.

That's how it started last time in England, four days turned into a

week, which turned into a month, which turned into a 38 pound weight

gain. I can't allow that to happen again. I'm seriously freaking

out.

Dani

> Dani,

>

> I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

> beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

forgive

> yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not

be

> able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

> THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

> familiar?)

>

> You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be

an

> intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on

in

> her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

don't

> think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

> worthless.

>

> Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

> proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

>

> Alys

[Guest guest]

Park,

Yes, that's the viscious cycle I know so well: bingeing, guilt,

starving to make up for the bingeing, overwhelming physical hunger

brought on by the calorie restriction, loss of control, then another

binge, and so on.

It's almost 6 now, and I just had my first BFL meal. I was getting

so hungry, and I wanted to just go to Panda Express and get greasy

Chinese food, but I had cottage cheese with fruit instead. In an

hour, I'll have a Mio lite shake, and before bed I'm having tuna with

a sweet potato and green beans. It's only three meals, but tomorrow

I'm doing all six. I have to stop the madness. I need tough love

right now. Thanks, hon!

Dani

> > Dani,

> >

> > I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to

stop

> > beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

> forgive

> > yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will

not

> be

> > able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> > punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well,

take

> > THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that

feel?! " ...sound

> > familiar?)

> >

> > You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to

be

> an

> > intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going

on

> in

> > her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> > body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

> don't

> > think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes

you

> > worthless.

> >

> > Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love

you. Be

> > proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

> >

> > Alys

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dani,

Boston is a wonderful city. I'd hate to think that you were not

enjoying yourself while there. Maybe you should join Weight Watchers,

even if only for the time that you are there, so that you will have a

support group to talk to. Many people recovering from eating

dissorders find the Weight Watcher program to be beneficial, and I

think it must be due to the community it gives you.

Remember, you have not failed if you have not stopped trying. You

might not feel like you are trying right now, but I know that you are

struggling more right now than you were when you were sticking to

plan 100%. That struggle is not un-noticed by us, and it is not

underestimated. We all know that sometimes when the world would say

you are standing still is when you are working the hardest to move.

Good for you for trying, for knowing that this is what you want.

Belive in yourself just a little bit and you'll get past this time,

and then it will be smooth sailing.

Alys

[Guest guest]

Dani,

Here is an assignment for you. Tonight, before you can go to bed,

make out your menue for tomorrow, and prepared what ever you need to

in order to make the day work (ie...mix up your cottage

cheese/whatever so you just have to open the fridge and grab, cook

you chicken, mix your salad...what ever makes it easier to not stray

from the plan). Type up the menu, and put it somewhere conspicuous.

Cross off each meal as you eat it. At the end of the day you will

have a list all crossed off (a very successful feeling), and a belly

full of yummy, clean, food.

Alys

]

[Guest guest]

Alys,

You are so encouraging. Thank you. I love your last paragraph:

> Remember, you have not failed if you have not stopped trying. You

> might not feel like you are trying right now, but I know that you

are

> struggling more right now than you were when you were sticking to

> plan 100%. That struggle is not un-noticed by us, and it is not

> underestimated. We all know that sometimes when the world would

say

> you are standing still is when you are working the hardest to

move.

I do feel like I'm standing still, but at least I haven't started

going backwards, and that's something. You are right in that it is

much easier to stick to the program once you have the momentum of a

few weeks of clean eating under your belt. I had that, and now I

have to do over yet again.

I want to enjoy myself in Boston. I'm returning to teach at my alma

matter for god's sakes. That's something to be proud of and

celebrate. I don't want the experience to be tainted by this struggle

to lose weight, especially because BFL rally is easy to stick to. It

does require planning, but it's completely doable wherever, whenever

(to quote Shakira

I will type out my list of meals to eat tomorrow as soon as I'm done

with this post. Thanks again, Alys.

Dani

[Guest guest]

Dammit Alys - I wish I could have said that!

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Dani,

I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you forgive

yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not be

able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

familiar?)

You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be an

intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on in

her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but don't

think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

worthless.

Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

Alys

[Guest guest]

Dani, dear - I wish I could give you some comfort ... if you could just start

eating clean RIGHT NOW and look at Boston as a fresh start! A chance to start

anew as you did when you first started BFL! Perhaps you could start both of

them together and use the next few days as a warmup.

As I said in one of my earlier posts, I know that no one could ever convince me

to stop - I had to do that myself. Just to reassure you you HAVE NOT FAILED.

You have just lapsed - temporarily.

Is there anything we can do to help you???

{{{HUGZ}}}

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Alys, Rita and Jana,

Thank you for your kind words. Alys, you are so right. I realize

that I have to accept the size I am now and move on. I can see that

what I'm doing is leading me into a viscious cycle of bingeing, guilt

and depression. I have such a " defeatist " mentality. I figure I've

already failed, so why even bother? It's such a self-destructive

pattern of thinking. I'm very aware of it, yet I continue to engage

in it.

To answer your question, Rita, even though I resisted all those yummy

desserts I made for my friend on Saturday, I felt so bad sitting by

myself on Sat. night (since I was too ashamed of my weight gain to go

to the party) that I ended up bingeing for the first time in four

weeks. I felt horrible about it on Sunday morning; I was so wraught

with guilt and shame, that I did it again (to, ironically, soothe the

guilt and shame). Monday and Tuesday were better, but I haven't been

eating clean. Today, instead of getting right back on BFL, I haven't

eaten anything yet, because I feel like I've eaten so much the last

four days I can stand to do without.

Once I start this pattern, I don't know how to stop. With each day

that passes, it's harder to take that first step, because I feel that

I've failed already. I'm leaving for Boston on Sunday, and I can't

believe I had such a set-back the week before I leave. It's going to

be stressful enough (new place, new job, new people) without this in

tow. I just don't want to fall completely off the wagon again.

That's how it started last time in England, four days turned into a

week, which turned into a month, which turned into a 38 pound weight

gain. I can't allow that to happen again. I'm seriously freaking

out.

Dani

> Dani,

>

> I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

> beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

forgive

> yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not

be

> able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

> THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

> familiar?)

>

> You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be

an

> intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on

in

> her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

don't

> think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

> worthless.

>

> Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

> proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

>

> Alys

[Guest guest]

Dani - are you going to have a puter in boston???

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Alys, Rita and Jana,

Thank you for your kind words. Alys, you are so right. I realize

that I have to accept the size I am now and move on. I can see that

what I'm doing is leading me into a viscious cycle of bingeing, guilt

and depression. I have such a " defeatist " mentality. I figure I've

already failed, so why even bother? It's such a self-destructive

pattern of thinking. I'm very aware of it, yet I continue to engage

in it.

To answer your question, Rita, even though I resisted all those yummy

desserts I made for my friend on Saturday, I felt so bad sitting by

myself on Sat. night (since I was too ashamed of my weight gain to go

to the party) that I ended up bingeing for the first time in four

weeks. I felt horrible about it on Sunday morning; I was so wraught

with guilt and shame, that I did it again (to, ironically, soothe the

guilt and shame). Monday and Tuesday were better, but I haven't been

eating clean. Today, instead of getting right back on BFL, I haven't

eaten anything yet, because I feel like I've eaten so much the last

four days I can stand to do without.

Once I start this pattern, I don't know how to stop. With each day

that passes, it's harder to take that first step, because I feel that

I've failed already. I'm leaving for Boston on Sunday, and I can't

believe I had such a set-back the week before I leave. It's going to

be stressful enough (new place, new job, new people) without this in

tow. I just don't want to fall completely off the wagon again.

That's how it started last time in England, four days turned into a

week, which turned into a month, which turned into a 38 pound weight

gain. I can't allow that to happen again. I'm seriously freaking

out.

Dani

> Dani,

>

> I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to stop

> beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

forgive

> yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will not

be

> able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well, take

> THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that feel?! " ...sound

> familiar?)

>

> You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be

an

> intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on

in

> her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

don't

> think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

> worthless.

>

> Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you. Be

> proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

>

> Alys

[Guest guest]

Dani! GOOD FOR YOU!!! I know you can do this!!!

*big grin*

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Park,

Yes, that's the viscious cycle I know so well: bingeing, guilt,

starving to make up for the bingeing, overwhelming physical hunger

brought on by the calorie restriction, loss of control, then another

binge, and so on.

It's almost 6 now, and I just had my first BFL meal. I was getting

so hungry, and I wanted to just go to Panda Express and get greasy

Chinese food, but I had cottage cheese with fruit instead. In an

hour, I'll have a Mio lite shake, and before bed I'm having tuna with

a sweet potato and green beans. It's only three meals, but tomorrow

I'm doing all six. I have to stop the madness. I need tough love

right now. Thanks, hon!

Dani

> > Dani,

> >

> > I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to

stop

> > beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

> forgive

> > yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will

not

> be

> > able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> > punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well,

take

> > THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that

feel?! " ...sound

> > familiar?)

> >

> > You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to

be

> an

> > intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going

on

> in

> > her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> > body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

> don't

> > think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes

you

> > worthless.

> >

> > Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love

you. Be

> > proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

> >

> > Alys

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dani-

I am sure this must be so hard for you. But, you know what? You

admitted it here and that is a positive step! We are here for you!

Kathleen

> > Dani,

> >

> > I know that you know this, but...you really MUST find a way to

stop

> > beating on yourself for having gained some weight. Until you

> forgive

> > yourself, and realize that this is where you are now, you will

not

> be

> > able to stop cheeting. We self-medicate with food, but we also

> > punish ourselves with it ( " Oh, gonna gain weight, huh? Well,

take

> > THAT! HA! I made you eat even more! How does that

feel?! " ...sound

> > familiar?)

> >

> > You know, no matter what size you are, you are always going to be

> an

> > intelligent, dynamic woman who has a lot of great things going on

> in

> > her life. Others see that in you, even more than they see your

> > body. Embrace your successes, and learn from your errors, but

> don't

> > think that such a small thing as a little extra weight makes you

> > worthless.

> >

> > Forgive yourself. We forgive you. Love yourself. We love you.

Be

> > proud of yourself. We are proud of you.

> >

> > Alys

[Guest guest]

WTG Dani!

Kathleen

>

> It's almost 6 now, and I just had my first BFL meal. I was getting

> so hungry, and I wanted to just go to Panda Express and get greasy

> Chinese food, but I had cottage cheese with fruit instead. In an

> hour, I'll have a Mio lite shake, and before bed I'm having tuna

with

> a sweet potato and green beans. It's only three meals, but

tomorrow

> I'm doing all six. I have to stop the madness. I need tough love

> right now. Thanks, hon!

>

> Dani

[Guest guest]

Rita and Kathleen,

I'm always amazed at how supportive everyone is on this site. It

really helps so much to be able to share my ups and downs with all

you ladies here. While a few of my closest friends and my mom know

about my weight struggles, I can't really talk to very many people

about what I'm going through.

In some ways you all know me better than the other professors and

students I associate with at my university, because there I'm perfect

Dani, a professional, an overachiever, a perfectionist, always " on. "

I wouldn't dare show them how much my body size/shape affects me. I

act very nonchalant, and I just don't talk about it, so it helps a

lot to be able to vent.

Rita, I like your idea of Boston being a fresh start. While I want

to do this for life, it helps to get a new perspective on an old

problem, and I think being away from Hardbody Hollywood will really

help. I don't thik I'll have a computer at home there, but, of

course, I'll have access to the computer labs at the university.

I'll be much busier than I am right now (to say the least--I'll be

continuing work on my research and teaching a full load), but I think

that'll be a good thing. I thought being able to spend time at home,

isolated from the world while I lose the weight, would be ideal, but

it hasn't proved to be so. I think I need to focus on other things

instead of on the weight I've gained. I've noticed that the more I

obsess, the worse I feel, and the more likely I am to slip up.

I will absolutely continue with BFL, no question about that, and I'll

check in on this board, but not nearly as often as I have been.

Thanks again!

Dani

[Guest guest]

Dani!

I really wish I had time to write you one of those really long supportive

emails that I'm seeing coming your direct... they speak as much to the

rest of us as they do to you, I think. Unfortunately, I've got two

midterms this week and I'm feeling guilty taking an email break. *sly

smile!*

I, too, put on a bunch of weight recently. Feelings of depression were

overwhelming and comfort food was really easy to get to (and when it

wasn't, I went to the corner store and got the worst stuff I could find!)

But I'm back on track now and feeling better than ever. So, I can at

least share a few tidbits of info that helped me.

First off, the idea of having a closetfull of clothes that are too small.

I think it's good to have goals, sure, and maybe the pair of size 6 jeans

is something that would be good to wear again so you hang on to them

wishfully. But don't torture yourself every morning having to stare at a

rackfull of beautiful things that don't fit; it seems to perpetuate the

bad feelings. Get rid of them, store them, donate them, or have a

clothing swap with a bunch of other women. Get some stuff that fits you

NOW and that you're comfortable in. (including workout wear!) I know,

this may sound like you're " giving in " to the size you are now, but you

are NOT doomed to stay with this size; in fact, I think it's a better

thrill to feel clothes get too big and have an excuse to get smaller ones

later on! But the immediate boost in confidence is a real help, I think.

Feel good NOW, too, not just in twelve weeks.

Second, I can understand you wanting to stay at home and avoid social

gatherings because you've put on weight. But think long-term on this one:

say 12 weeks from now, you're a size 4, hey great, now what do you do? Do

you *need* to be thin to have a good time? This was another thing I had

to overcome: realize that people probably don't care what size you are now

(and even if they do, they're not going to say it to you). I consider now

to be *practice*, you know, going to clubs and hanging out and talking and

having a good time, so that I'll be a well-oiled fun-having machine by the

time I *am* a size 4. Heck, maybe your transformation will gain you

friends locally of people who want to workout with you.

It's time to stop obsessing about food, too. Stop binging on things

because you think you'll never have them again; of COURSE you'll have them

again, just as sure as there are Hostess Cupcakes on every corner store

snack rack. You get a freeday! USE it to remind yourself that everything

is okay in moderation. YES you can have chocolate and crackers and

waffles and theater popcorn again in your life and still be thin and

happy. Don't believe that you can " get it out of your system " by binging

on them now. Because you don't get it out of your system, do you? You

feel guilty, then resolve to be EVEN BETTER on your diet tomorrow, right?

Only to cave in again because these habits are now in place? It's a

cycle; recognizing it means that you have power over it. You can break

the cycle. You are not a slave to food!

I agree that planning is the key. Set up weekly menus and cook stuff

before hand that you have to. The night before, get everything set up to

grab and go the next day so there's no thought involved. Take a spare

protein bar in your purse " just in case " . There, your day is DONE. You

just eat those preplanned meals at your preplanned times and there's NO

THINKING INVOLVED! Temptations around? Remind yourself that you have a

meal in a half-hour, or that you just ate. If the temptation is still

strong, write it down for your free-day and chew on some sugar-free gum

(this helps me when someone in the office nukes up microwave popcorn!!)

Start a revolution! Stop hating your body! (spotted this on a t-shirt)

You're okay by us, Dani. We know you're human, and you're welcome to vent

here anytime, 'cause heck, we understand!

*HUG*

-- gnat!

[Guest guest]

That's an excellent idea! I joined over at the Lean and Strong forum and

they have a menu posting every day. And it does give me a successful

feeling to post them, and cross them off as I go along. Plus it helps me

account for what I eat

Colleen

>From: alysd38 <no_reply >

>Reply-

>

>Subject: Re: cravings and control - Dani

>(sorry, long post)

>Date: Thu, 27 Jun 2002 01:17:57 -0000

>

>Dani,

>

>Here is an assignment for you. Tonight, before you can go to bed,

>make out your menue for tomorrow, and prepared what ever you need to

>in order to make the day work (ie...mix up your cottage

>cheese/whatever so you just have to open the fridge and grab, cook

>you chicken, mix your salad...what ever makes it easier to not stray

>from the plan). Type up the menu, and put it somewhere conspicuous.

>Cross off each meal as you eat it. At the end of the day you will

>have a list all crossed off (a very successful feeling), and a belly

>full of yummy, clean, food.

>

>Alys

>

>]

>

_________________________________________________________________

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[Guest guest]

Dani,

Something that helps me when I'm ready to pop those milk duds in my

mouth is to visualize how I will feel afterwards, like I've let

myself down, failed, then depressed, then eat more milk duds. And

then visualize how good I'll feel if I can get myself to pass on

those milk duds..the success, the energy, the triumph. And of course

I envision those already snug jeans getting even snugger if I do eat

those milk duds and it seems to help. I must have walked down the

candy aisle three times last night in the grocery store. I ws

frustrated, bought some summer clothes about a month ago and they

don't fit comfortable, returned them and just wanted to eat to feel

good. But I literally talked myself out of it. I'm sure the other

shoppers thought I was crazy cuz I ws literally talking out loud, but

heck if it works, it works.

Colleen

> Dani, dear - I wish I could give you some comfort ... if you could

just start eating clean RIGHT NOW and look at Boston as a fresh

start! A chance to start anew as you did when you first started

BFL! Perhaps you could start both of them together and use the next

few days as a warmup.

>

> As I said in one of my earlier posts, I know that no one could ever

convince me to stop - I had to do that myself. Just to reassure you

you HAVE NOT FAILED. You have just lapsed - temporarily.

>

> Is there anything we can do to help you???

>

> {{{HUGZ}}}

> Rita

[Guest guest]

lol Colleen ... I talk to myself too!

Rita

Re: cravings and control - Dani (sorry,

long post)

Dani,

Something that helps me when I'm ready to pop those milk duds in my

mouth is to visualize how I will feel afterwards, like I've let

myself down, failed, then depressed, then eat more milk duds. And

then visualize how good I'll feel if I can get myself to pass on

those milk duds..the success, the energy, the triumph. And of course

I envision those already snug jeans getting even snugger if I do eat

those milk duds and it seems to help. I must have walked down the

candy aisle three times last night in the grocery store. I ws

frustrated, bought some summer clothes about a month ago and they

don't fit comfortable, returned them and just wanted to eat to feel

good. But I literally talked myself out of it. I'm sure the other

shoppers thought I was crazy cuz I ws literally talking out loud, but

heck if it works, it works.

Colleen

> Dani, dear - I wish I could give you some comfort ... if you could

just start eating clean RIGHT NOW and look at Boston as a fresh

start! A chance to start anew as you did when you first started

BFL! Perhaps you could start both of them together and use the next

few days as a warmup.

>

> As I said in one of my earlier posts, I know that no one could ever

convince me to stop - I had to do that myself. Just to reassure you

you HAVE NOT FAILED. You have just lapsed - temporarily.

>

> Is there anything we can do to help you???

>

> {{{HUGZ}}}

> Rita