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[Guest guest]

Hi

hon,

Just checking..... hope you are doing ok? worried about you...

Ling

My state of mind...

Hi all.

Sorry, I haven't really been keeping up with the list mail lately. I've

been reading most of it, but just haven't been replying...LOL

I'm worried about Gracie's next appt (with urology, on Wednesday)...I

really don't want to have to put her through painful and invasive tests

for no reason. :-( On the other hand, I don't want to deny her the

tests, even if invasive, that might end up being helpful. :-( Jeez,

you'd think I'd be more used to making these kind of shitty decisions by

now. LOL

I'm in another funk...Matty's 9 month anniversary is coming up...I keep

thinking that it will get easier, but each month it hits me just the

same. I just can't believe that it has been a whole 9 months with out

him here...it's just so sad. He's been gone now for more than half as

long as he was alive...did that make any sense at all?? LOL I guess

it's just another milestone to have to get through. I remember when

Matty was 8 or 9 months old is when he started to get really, really

sick...that's when he developed the Kearns-Sayre on top of the

Pearson's.

It's been hard, too, cuz all of the sudden, all of the other Pearson's

families that I have met online are having rough times right now too.

One little girl has passed away, and another little boy is in full liver

failure, just like Matty was. It's so hard to have them come to me and

say " please tell me this isn't how it happened with Matty " and I can't

tell them that. I know this little boy is in his last months, but I

don't have the heart to tell his momma that.

I guess I'm just in another " life is so fucking unfair " rant. LOL I used

to think that some day, some how, I would understand how this happened

to my beautiful little boy, and why in the world it had to be that way.

Why, out of all the kids in this world, did it have to be Matty?? Don't

get me wrong, not in a million years would I wish this on another

child...I just wish it hadn't have been my child, either.

To top it all off, the worry about what in the world my Gracie is doing

is about to drive me crazy. I honestly feel like I am going crazy some

days...I just want to know what is " wrong " with her...whether she's

sick, or just different...different I can take. Sick, well, I don't know

if I can do this all again. Well meaning people always tell me that

you're never given more than you can take...um....too sum it up in a

word (at least right now...LOL)...bullshit. I can take a lot of shit,

but I can't take my kids being picked off one by one. I've already lost

2 of my 4...it just blows my mind to think that Gracie might be next.

What ever in the world would I do without my little blonde angel??

Anyway...Thanks for listening to the ravings of a full-fledged, sleep

deprived, worried sick mommy. :-) You all are the best...

*hugs*