dealing with my depression

September 22, 2006

Going to the ER on Monday after my little " drum solos " was actually

good for me. Nothing was wrong, yada yada. I got through without dying

and without getting bulldozed. (hubby) and I repeated " NO BETA

BLOCKERS " so much that finally a nurse said, " OK! We got it! No beta

blockers! " I got my new MedicAlert bracelet listing " no beta blockers "

too, so I feel a lot better about my chances under unfamiliar care now.

Plus also it's two tone gold and silver titanium! ooooh!

At therapy last night we talked about why I came back from the

dead--why, if I was happy being dead, and I was, I came back, and how

did I feel about that. " I imagine you feel meaningless, " she said. I

initially said no, not at all, but when I thought about it

further--yeah! I did, and I didn't really even know it. Why DID I come

back? I mean, I have all kinds of reasons to live; my husband loves me

deeply, I have two little girls who need me, I haven't buried my

parents yet and I'd never put them through burying me before them if I

could. But people in the exact same circumstances die all the time.

That's not all it takes to stay alive.

So why did I come back? I don't know. I imagine it'll become clear as

time goes in, and in the meantime, there are my children, my parents

and my husband. And myself.

My therapist got me to commit to one daily physical self-care thing for

the week; when I'm depressed I forget to eat, I don't shower, I wear

the same clothes for days, etc. I committed to walking around the

block. Did it first thing this morning after I took a shower.

Lynn S.

------

Mama, homeschooler, writer, activist, spinner & knitter

NOTICE: The National Security Agency may have read this email without

warning, warrant, or notice.

Recommended Posts