you probably have already noticed...

[Guest guest]

.... as you have no doubt figured out and wish I'd

gone away...

I have decided it better if I stay.

There is no one else in my life, besides a kid or two, that really gives

a shit if I'm here or there, as I make a lousy mom and wife. How long I

stay is up in the air, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 days, if I dare...

It takes more courage to wake up each day and know it could be the last,

than going to bed assured it will go while I sleep, easily and fast. I

also see that you all need me to add some sparkle and colours to

your email life

=o)

Also, who else would help Op in # besides and Aisha and

I... I can teach you colors there as well. Perhaps, as my computer moves,

and believe me it will or I'll refuse bed rest and tell them all to go to

he**.

I'm tired now, so I shall go - my hard drive has no room for anything, so

off I go to delete some things,,, but I will keep the light burning

bright in the window of #... come and visit if you can...

=o)

I hope you see right through this ditty

to understand that I still feel quite shitty - lots of pain and no will

to live... but I have to fake it to keep off my a$$ she drives me

NUTS, although I love her dearly!

Signing off for now, I'll be by the computer after a quick scrub...

have to wipe my swollen puffy prednisone face... and all the grungy

tears. I cry so much, it hurts so much... what do I hear in return -

" get over it I'm sick of your

crying " ...:

THAT REALLY PISSED ME

OFF... enough to say...and I'm like,

ok sure, yeah, I planned all of this, from open sores & liver ails,

to strep A-Z, as well as surgery New Years Eve and 2 times after that, as

well as 4 infections of the leg, and the non-healing is because at night

I sit and cut it open with a knife just to make some trouble in your

life. Then I learned a special way to break a bone with just quiet

groans,.... or perhaps it was all the sticks and stones aimed in my way,

that broke my bones, as I did and still seem to do everything wrong

- I decided to surround myself with the positive, not the negative

so I'd have some chance of living - if even for one more

day... The pain level is high today... on a scale

from 1-10 mine is off the chart... And my daughter, (who is

QUITE

CONTRARY!) is telling me to hurry and get

dressed so I don't look like a dork while we work. Then will

be here this afternoon and want to do bills and such and I am going

to scream unless he moves the computer he isn't getting ANY of my money.

$=o)

Do remember tho - that my computer

is on the fritz so if I disappear for a few days it is because of

that!

janalise