encouraging/pushing your child

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/8/2003 2:56:47 PM Eastern Standard Time,

johndeespicer@... writes:

<< Okay, back to the question. Have you found it helpful to push your

kids, at least a little, even when they don't like the new activity?

Or have you found that your child learned more when they initiated

the activity (you just kept it handy for them to find)? Does it

depend on the child or how important a particular skill is to their

functioning? >>

Generally for Liam, pushing doesn't work. I haven't pushed him on most

things. The big exceptions were with PT and eating solid foods. In PT there

were positions he hated (like rocking back and forth on his hands and knees)

that we pushed him to do to strengthen his muscles. He was a big splitter

and we forced him to sit up from his side.

I was told there was a window of opportunity where it was easier to teach

kids to eat solids and if you missed it, it was harder to learn. So I did

push him to eat different textures. He decided to give up the bottle and

used a cup before he was 2. I never did ALL the 'assignments' teachers and

therapists gave me, just the ones we both enjoyed. He's a very happy little

guy and I don't feel guilty at all. He's not potty trained yet, but he will

when he's ready. I guess the message is pick your battles but make sure you

have fun, too.

Santa brought a LeapPad for Christmas, not my first leappad, but the one for

ages 4 and up. When I opened it up and saw the pen and the fine motor he was

going to need, I though it was too hard. I thought I'd have to use it with

him, but he totally gets it and uses it all by himself. Go figure.

Kathy, Liam's mom(4 1/2)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/8/2003 12:56:49 PM US Mountain Standard Time,

johndeespicer@... writes:

> Have you found it helpful to push your

> kids, at least a little, even when they don't like the new activity?

>

Oh...good question. I have often been accused of pushing Maverick too much.

But then again, I have been praised because without me pushing him (and

pushing others working with him) he wouldn't be doing as much as he is. But

then I see how much others can do and I want MORE from and for Maverick so I

push some more!

Last year I had a behavior specialist tell me that I was expecting too much

of Maverick. I agreed with her to a point, but then... I didn't.

I try new things with Mav all the time and even if he resists....I make a

limit that we have to accomplish...smaller if he's getting frustrated. BUT..

I make sure that EVERYTHING ends in success with him...as much as possible.

Even if he didn't meet a goal that I wanted...he did SOMETHING.......and I

can just say....... " WOW, you worked really hard on that...that is so

COOL! " ... The thing I DO Agree with her on is NOT to make him feel

frustrated and bad about himself. Like when he was doing his spelling words

and I KNEW he knew them,......... and I would say.... " You just did that 1/2

hour ago...you can do it. " Well, she told me that when I saw him struggling

to step in and assist so he didn't get to that frustration level. Maverick

gets frustrated easily.

So, I think my response is...you know your child, you know what they can

tolerate...and while you DO Want to be introducing new things to your child

and raising the goals higher, you don't want to make it so it frustrates your

child too much.

[Guest guest]

Dear Jill -

( I have a sister that name :-) )

I have found that with Jordan, it depends on certain things. Things like you

mentioned, naming colors etc, I let her take the lead on occasionally. Now that

she's in school for me it's different. She needs to be focused and have fun or

she won't want to learn. So we make a game of it. I find generally if I

incorporate what I want her to learn in something that she likes then it's

easier to get her to do it.

My advice, push when you NEED to. You'll know when to and when not to. Trust

your gut with this. JMHO -

Judi - Proud mother to Jordan 7, ds and Savannah 10 weeks, nda

Where ever you go....

There you are

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Well, I'm a pusher....but im thinking back to when amanda was 2, i think we

let her learn something really well before going on to new skills. I

remember she hated rolling on the big ball for PT, but her therapist,

encouraged her alot because it was helping her with balance and developing

strength.

When amanda was around Emma's age, i was pushing her to walk - practicing

everyday with her, taking her to a park so when she fell, she had a soft

landing.

bottom line, they will do it when they are ready. Some things you should

always do, like speaking to emma constantly - naming the shapes each time is

fine.

I also remember when amanda was very very very young i always read to her.

There was a 19 year old mom with a little girl with ds, she said, " why are

you always reading to your daughter, she doesnt understand. " I explainded to

her it didnt matter that she understood, just that I was always talking to

her, hoping shed pick up things along the way.

~ Mom to 12 DS and Diabetes Type 1 and 8 NY

[Guest guest]

I've found that I HAVE to push ... because she is so darn good at that

faked helplessness act. She knows FAR more than she lets on most the time.

I finally got tired of the school resource teacher telling me that she

" Can't " learn to read and she " can't " spell her name and she " can't recognize

letters. " She could spell her name correctly YEARS ago.. what happened, did

she regress? No - I found with the right prompts she can still spell it just

find, she just thinks its a tremendous joke to play with their minds and

spell it wrong on purpose! She could recognize almost all the upper case

letters at age 3 (she's now 10)... I figured out that she learned if she

didn't do the work they didn't expect her capable and they wouldn't push her.

Plus I think she gets bored of the same old drills all the time. I FINALLY

got her to demonstrate at school that she can recognize sight words. But

frankly... she needs to be pushed (and encouraged) MORE than she is already.

There are times she says and does things and I can see those wheels in her

head are turning all the time....

- Becky

[Guest guest]

Oh I am SoOOO like that too! I couldn't have said it better because that's

exactly how I feel.

Judi - Proud mother to Jordan 7, ds and Savannah 10 weeks, nda

Where ever you go....

There you are

Re: encouraging/pushing your child

Oh...good question. I have often been accused of pushing Maverick too much.

But then again, I have been praised because without me pushing him (and

pushing others working with him) he wouldn't be doing as much as he is. But

then I see how much others can do and I want MORE from and for Maverick so I

push some more!

So, I think my response is...you know your child, you know what they can

tolerate...and while you DO Want to be introducing new things to your child

and raising the goals higher, you don't want to make it so it frustrates your

child too much.

[Guest guest]

I'm forwarding this for Jill.

From: Angie Tate

Judi Scarpelli

Sent: Wednesday, January 08, 2003 5:18 PM

Subject: Re: encouraging/pushing your child

I'll go with Judi. You'll know when to push. I make whatever we do during

the day part of therapy. When we go outside, she walks down the steps (she is

2.5, I still want to build that muscle and balance.) When we come back in, she

walks back up them. Just little stuff. Kicking a ball...all this is in every

day play.

Re: encouraging/pushing your child

Dear Jill -

( I have a sister that name :-) )

I have found that with Jordan, it depends on certain things. Things like

you mentioned, naming colors etc, I let her take the lead on occasionally. Now

that she's in school for me it's different. She needs to be focused and have

fun or she won't want to learn. So we make a game of it. I find generally if I

incorporate what I want her to learn in something that she likes then it's

easier to get her to do it.

My advice, push when you NEED to. You'll know when to and when not to.

Trust your gut with this. JMHO -

Judi - Proud mother to Jordan 7, ds and Savannah 10 weeks, nda

Where ever you go....

There you are

[Guest guest]

Oops... I meant from Angie....

Judi - Proud mother to Jordan 7, ds and Savannah 10 weeks, nda

Where ever you go....

There you are

Re: encouraging/pushing your child

Dear Jill -

( I have a sister that name :-) )

I have found that with Jordan, it depends on certain things. Things

like you mentioned, naming colors etc, I let her take the lead on occasionally.

Now that she's in school for me it's different. She needs to be focused and

have fun or she won't want to learn. So we make a game of it. I find generally

if I incorporate what I want her to learn in something that she likes then it's

easier to get her to do it.

My advice, push when you NEED to. You'll know when to and when not to.

Trust your gut with this. JMHO -

Judi - Proud mother to Jordan 7, ds and Savannah 10 weeks, nda

Where ever you go....

There you are

[Guest guest]

I am a convinced non-pusher. I firmly believe that all children want to

learn, they want to develope and make progress. The trick is to keep that

natural motivation flowing, not to crush it. Especially school has a habbit

of crushing every bit of enthusiasim and motivation.

Every child has their own rythm, their own speed. Listen to the child. It

will show you the way.

It is important to give the child interesting offers, ideas, possibilities,

different ways of solving a problem. The child will pick out the activities

that are important for his developement at this particular moment. And if

the offers keep coming, he will keep coming.

This is not to be confused with over-stimulation, but every child will

signal when it is enough.

It is so very important to listen to the children and watch all of their

" speech " , verbal and non-verbal.

If a child learns an activity against his will he is not likely to adapt

this activity into his everyday life. So what's the point of learning it? If

a child learns with enthusiasm and fun, loves what he is learning, he is

going to repeat it in endless variations all day long. And that is what we

want to achieve.

Even brand-new babies can tell us what they need, we just have to listen

Gundula

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all the input. I don't feel like I'm too far away at all

from what most of you are doing. I think part of my concern with

myself is that, since Emma is my youngest and last child, I want to

savor those hugs and snuggles and kisses that she is already using to

get out of doing something! I've also noticed that I tend to blame

some of her lack of progress on her " moderately severe " hypotonia, as

though that can't be overcome. On the flip side, her therapists are

all very pleased with her progress, especially her vocalizations. Of

course, in our very loud and very verbal household, she has to speak

up!

Once again, thanks for the replies. It helps me to consider this

from several perspectives, all of which were helpful.

Sincerely,

Jill (mom to Luke, , Song, , & Emma--DS, 2 years old in 3

days!!)

[Guest guest]

In reading all these posts, I discovered that I am somewhere in between

a " pusher " and " non-pusher " , which seems to work for . In

areas that I know her strengths are, or areas she really likes,, I tend

to push her more because I know she will not get frustrated. For her,

language is one strong area, and for a long time, we have had her

repeat words and modeled sentences because she CAN do it (success), and

improve (which she can see when she is understood). It wasn't

frustrating to her when she said " juice mom " , and I modeled " may I have

juice please? " , and she would repeat it before she got her juice (once

she was ABLE to say it, we basically insisted on it). Many children (DS

or NDA) would not want to repeat, just because ( " mom knows what I mean,

why should I say it again? " ) loves books, knows her letters,

and is starting on learning to sound out words. We push this

(especially in her IEP goals) because first, it's a great skill for

starting kinder next year, but also because she enjoys it..... if she

hated letters, words and books, I don't know how much I could push her.

On the other hand, she wasn't interested in trying to ride a trike, we

didn't push her at all, and one day at school (at age 4) she just did

it (because SHE wanted to learn it, so she did). Unfortunately, it's

the same with potty training...... she isn't interested in panties,

doesn't mind being wet or poopy, doesn't respond to an M & M bribe, and I

don't think (for her), all the pushing in the world will get her trained

faster. She is completely ABLE to complete the toileting routine, from

pants down, doing her business, wiping, pants up, washing hands, etc.,

and will do so if she WANTS to go. However, it's usually a " social "

event (like when I have to take her sisters to the bathroom at a

restraunt, she comes along and goes too). She is also very stubborn,

and if you push her too far, she will just make whaterver it is a power

struggle, so we have found that sometimes, backing off and waiting works

better for her.

As most of the posts have said, you have to know your child, and go with

what you feel is best for her (even if other kids are doing this or

that, and you REALLY want her to do it too :-) As you probably know

(having other children, undoubtable with different personalities and

learning styles) some children respond well to being challeneged a

little (or a lot), while others need a little more of a extremely gentle

prod. I think we all wonder if we're doing the right thing (for all

our children)..... it's just sometimes harder to know " the right thing "

for our children with DS.... thankfully we have each other to bounce

things off of!

, mom to (7), (almost 5, DS), and (3)

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 1/11/03 9:57:09 PM Pacific Standard Time, lisa@...

writes:

>

> I will say it think it is a bad thing to push any kid to go to the

> toilet too much. Practice sure, but pushing too hard will probably only

> met with resistance.

>

>

> We found that bribery only went so far with BJ. We got him Bear in the

> big blue house undies ( his fav character at the time- got them all the

> way form the USA ! ) and that worked sorta.............All kids just

> seem to " get it " one day.

>

> JMHO

>

got it allraight - she also " got " that if she had an " accident "

whereever she was in th house, and then just took off her diaper/clothes and

left them on the spot, somebody would clean up after her. At school she was

just hold out entirely (she could go most the day without using the bathroom

if she decides to) or what for her favorite teacher to be available to change

her in her regular preschool.

so 2 things -

1) the school realized they had to assign someone other than her favorite

teacher to be in charge of changing

2) I made her responsible for cleaning up after herself... and made sure that

it was a LOT more cumbersome than just using the bathroom!

- bECKY