Guest guest Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 Oh Emma, I'm so sorry. BUT GOOD FOR YOU! How wonderful you can stand strong for your children! You are the parent. This is how it goes sometimes with parents and others. May save yourself some grief by just telling them that when they have read as much as you or take my online class, then you will discuss it ;-) Sheri At 08:55 PM 2/27/2008 -0600, you wrote: >I am 35 and just had the most unbelievable fight with my parents over >vaccinations. I'm an only child and I felt demoralized as I often did as a >teenager by my father who is very intelligent but not a fair fighter and my >mom who sits over his shoulder, like a cheerleader and nods her head like >she even knows what he's talking about. I tried to back out several times >but kept having to defend myself as a MOTHER. But I made very good points >and brought up facts, esp about tetanus that he obviously didn't know. He >moved onto polio and when I mentioned that polio was never communicable, my >mom and dad both stood up and FREAKED out. First my dad said that he can't >believe he paid for my f-ing education and then said that all medical >journals are " written in blood " . With that, I said, " well they won't be >written in my children's blood " and walked out. > > > >Emma Mc > >Rowlett, TX > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 27, 2008 Report Share Posted February 27, 2008 what a painful story. Unfortunately, it's all too common. I just recently decided that I am not sharing this information with barely anyone. I had similar fights and uncomfortable moments. These people really wont get it. It has taken me quite a long time to get comfortable with not vax and in a 10 minute argument they won't even begin to understand. If you are caught in this position again and it sounds like pops is going to bring it up...prepare yourself with questions for him. Ask him what types of ingredients are listed in these vaccines? What strains is he protected against? Most people are coming from a lifelong mental state of mind that is almost impossible to change, if they don't want to...I know. It's been tough for me too. Hang in there...this probably won't be your last battle. > > I am 35 and just had the most unbelievable fight with my parents over > vaccinations. I'm an only child and I felt demoralized as I often did as a > teenager by my father who is very intelligent but not a fair fighter and my > mom who sits over his shoulder, like a cheerleader and nods her head like > she even knows what he's talking about. I tried to back out several times > but kept having to defend myself as a MOTHER. But I made very good points > and brought up facts, esp about tetanus that he obviously didn't know. He > moved onto polio and when I mentioned that polio was never communicable, my > mom and dad both stood up and FREAKED out. First my dad said that he can't > believe he paid for my f-ing education and then said that all medical > journals are " written in blood " . With that, I said, " well they won't be > written in my children's blood " and walked out. > > > > Emma Mc > > Rowlett, TX > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Nice Post ! I think your advice from Dr. Forward is very sound. I think I will pass it on to my 19 year old unvaxed daughter who's boyfriend's mother is a nurse and instructor at our Community College, keeps telling her that she get the Gardisal vaccine and the flu vaccine like she gives her son. She has stood her ground pretty good but if they ever were to marry and have kids, I am not sure how it would play out, It many turn around on me then if they decide to vaccinate because I would then become the one who will want to " better influence " their decision. It is horrible to think that my future grandchildren would be vaccinated. How would I react to that having been an advocate against for over 22 years? Oh boy, I really am not sure if I would give up even if the tried to set such concrete boundaries about the issue. So, we gotta get the truth out so that those who are blind to this issue will finally see the truth in front of them. Vaccinations are dangerous for so many reasons and we should give thanks that we know the truth. Way to go Emma! I too had to stand up for my decision not to vaccinate with family and professionals mostly, oh yeah, and one husband who almost did me in with his dumb objections! It really is what is best for your baby. I believe that with all my heart! Mavis ***Are Vaccines Safe?*** _VACCINE RISK AWARENESS NETWORK - " PERSONAL STORY LINKS " _ (http://www.vran.org/links/story-links.htm) _The Great HPV Vaccine Hoax Exposed_ (http://www.newstarget.com/Report_HPV_Vaccine_0.html) _Vaccination Information & Choice Network - _ (http://www.nccn.net/~wwithin/vaccine.htm) _Vaccination Liberation Home Page_ (http://www.vaclib.org/index.htm) _ThinkTwice Global Vaccine Institute: Avoid Vaccine Reactions_ (http://thinktwice.com/) _National Vaccine Information Center_ (http://909shot.com/) In a message dated 2/28/2008 10:45:44 A.M. Eastern Standard Time, emtonnotme@... writes: Hi Emma, I have had issue after issue with my in-laws about the way we birthed our son (unassisted homebirth), vaccination issues, cloth diapering, babywearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, you name it. We've gotten so many insulting comments from them, like our son will sleep with us till he's in high school,he'll nurse till he's 10, he'll be a mamma's boy, we're spoiling him. They've even accused us of accusing them of being bad parents because we are not taking their parenting advice. At first we also tried to find scientific information (study after study!) to present to them to defend our choices. But the more research we presented them, the worst our arguments got. It was exhausting! I got incredibly frustrated and depressed by this and so I searched out a little book that has changed my life. It is called " Toxic Inlaws " by psychologist Forward. She has so many helpful tips in that book. The first thing, you and your hubby have to stand together as a team, let them know that you are making decisions together and these decisions are NOT up for debate. If they continue to argue with you, Dr. Forward recommends using non-defensive communication. Basically acknowledging (not agreeing with) what they say without starting up an argument. Things like: -You're entitled to your opinion (and you leave it at that). If they say anything else, you remain silent. -I'm sure that's how it looks like to you. -That could be. -I'm sure you see it that way. -We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me. -I'm sorry you're upset. -I know you are upset/angry/-I know you are upset/angry/<WBR>dis -We see things differently. If they just keep on and on, you should try to end the conversation/conversation/<WBR>visit asap and resume it when everyone is f otherwise you'll get into an endless cylce of argumentation. You could say something like: -Yelling/threatenin-Yelling/threa-Yelling/threatenin<WBR>g/withdrawing/ and it doesn't resolve things (then end the visit). -Let's talk when you're feeling calmer. Basically you have to let them know that you are the parent, the decisions you make for your children are yours and your hubby's to make, and they are way out of line for even bringing the subject up. If you use non-defensive statements, you can taper the conversation off rather than refueling it. I know it is very tempting to make them see your side of your argument and to change how they feel,but it is very difficult to change people, to change how they feel,to change their ways. All you can do is change how you communicate with them, and in the end, you have to figure out your true goal - yes, in an ideal world they would come to you and say " Well Emma, we have thought it over and we realized we raised an intelligent, caring woman who is a great mother, we are sorry for questioning you " - but the reality will probably be that they will never see your way. So for your own health and sanity (and your family's) it is just best to deal with them in a way that shows them that they are stepping on your toes and you will not put up with it, and to end discussions revolved around your parenting decisions pronto (whether they are about vaccinations or any other parenting decisions you might make). You can even tell them that you don't love them any less and you care about them, but when it comes to your child, you are the boss and they have to accept it (i.e. end the argument/discussionhave to accept it them to leave) and come back when they are feeling calmer. It has been a long struggle at our home, but we have done this consistently. We even went for couple's counselling and our psychologist basically gave us the same advice, except she didn't go into as much detail. That's where Dr. Forward's book came in really handy. She doesn't just say - try nondefensive communication, she actually shows you examples of nondefensive communication. Consistensy is the key, however. If you even give in once to them - they will keep trying to assert their authority over your parenting choices. Also, our psychologist told us that my DH's parents might keep using threats to have control over us, say things like: " oh so you don't love us anymore " or " we won't see you anymore " , etc. but she assured us that these threats are very common in power struggles and that my DH's parents will not stop loving him and will not stop seeing him or their grandson, that these are just tactics they use to keep controling us so that they get their way. But if you are consistently gentle but firm and stand up for yourself and family, eventuallly your parents will get it and they will back off. It's really about setting boundaries and showing them how they can treat you. If you keep letting them yell/threaten/treat you. If yo your choices, you are actually letting them know (through your defensive or submissive behaviour) that it is ok to be treated that way. If you put your foot down and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable, then they will learn that they cannot threaten you and bully you into doing what they want you to do. Hope this helps, and good luck! Monika > > <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is very true > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a homebirth and > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually she just > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - she's one of > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, she won't > even dig in (sigh). > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > Magda > **************Ideas to please picky eaters. Watch video on AOL Living. (http://living.aol.com/video/how-to-please-your-picky-eater/rachel-campos-duffy/ 2050827?NCID=aolcmp00300000002598) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 EXCELLENT thank you for that Monika Sheri At 03:44 PM 2/28/2008 -0000, you wrote: >Hi Emma, > >I have had issue after issue with my in-laws about the way we birthed >our son (unassisted homebirth), vaccination issues, cloth diapering, >babywearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, you name it. We've >gotten so many insulting comments from them, like our son will sleep >with us till he's in high school,he'll nurse till he's 10, he'll be a >mamma's boy, we're spoiling him. They've even accused us of accusing >them of being bad parents because we are not taking their parenting >advice. > >At first we also tried to find scientific information (study after >study!) to present to them to defend our choices. But the more >research we presented them, the worst our arguments got. It was >exhausting! > >I got incredibly frustrated and depressed by this and so I searched >out a little book that has changed my life. It is called " Toxic >Inlaws " by psychologist Forward. > >She has so many helpful tips in that book. The first thing, you and >your hubby have to stand together as a team, let them know that you >are making decisions together and these decisions are NOT up for debate. > >If they continue to argue with you, Dr. Forward recommends using >non-defensive communication. Basically acknowledging (not agreeing >with) what they say without starting up an argument. > >Things like: > >-You're entitled to your opinion (and you leave it at that). If they >say anything else, you remain silent. >-I'm sure that's how it looks like to you. >-That could be. >-I'm sure you see it that way. >-We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me. >-I'm sorry you're upset. >-I know you are upset/angry/disappointed but this is not negotiable. >-We see things differently. > > >If they just keep on and on, you should try to end the >conversation/visit asap and resume it when everyone is feeling calmer, >otherwise you'll get into an endless cylce of argumentation. > >You could say something like: > >-Yelling/threatening/withdrawing/crying is nto going to work anymore >and it doesn't resolve things (then end the visit). >-Let's talk when you're feeling calmer. > >Basically you have to let them know that you are the parent, the >decisions you make for your children are yours and your hubby's to >make, and they are way out of line for even bringing the subject up. > >If you use non-defensive statements, you can taper the conversation >off rather than refueling it. > >I know it is very tempting to make them see your side of your argument >and to change how they feel,but it is very difficult to change people, >to change how they feel,to change their ways. > >All you can do is change how you communicate with them, and in the >end, you have to figure out your true goal - yes, in an ideal world >they would come to you and say " Well Emma, we have thought it over and >we realized we raised an intelligent, caring woman who is a great >mother, we are sorry for questioning you " - but the reality will >probably be that they will never see your way. > >So for your own health and sanity (and your family's) it is just best >to deal with them in a way that shows them that they are stepping on >your toes and you will not put up with it, and to end discussions >revolved around your parenting decisions pronto (whether they are >about vaccinations or any other parenting decisions you might make). > >You can even tell them that you don't love them any less and you care >about them, but when it comes to your child, you are the boss and they >have to accept it (i.e. end the argument/discussion) or leave (or ask >them to leave) and come back when they are feeling calmer. > >It has been a long struggle at our home, but we have done this >consistently. We even went for couple's counselling and our >psychologist basically gave us the same advice, except she didn't go >into as much detail. That's where Dr. Forward's book came in really >handy. She doesn't just say - try nondefensive communication, she >actually shows you examples of nondefensive communication. > >Consistensy is the key, however. If you even give in once to them - >they will keep trying to assert their authority over your parenting >choices. Also, our psychologist told us that my DH's parents might >keep using threats to have control over us, say things like: " oh so >you don't love us anymore " or " we won't see you anymore " , etc. >but she assured us that these threats are very common in power >struggles and that my DH's parents will not stop loving him and will >not stop seeing him or their grandson, that these are just tactics >they use to keep controling us so that they get their way. > >But if you are consistently gentle but firm and stand up for yourself >and family, eventuallly your parents will get it and they will back off. > >It's really about setting boundaries and showing them how they can >treat you. If you keep letting them yell/threaten/put you down for >your choices, you are actually letting them know (through your >defensive or submissive behaviour) that it is ok to be treated that >way. If you put your foot down and let them know that their behavior >is not acceptable, then they will learn that they cannot threaten you >and bully you into doing what they want you to do. > > >Hope this helps, and good luck! > >Monika > > > > >> >> <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't >> want their past judgment being criticized.>> >> >> I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is very true >> of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a homebirth and >> not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually she just >> accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - she's one of >> those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, she won't >> even dig in (sigh). >> Good for you for standing up for yourself. >> Magda >> > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 In a message dated 2/27/2008 9:51:17 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, em.fiery@... writes: all medical journals are " written in blood " . With that, I said, " well they won't be written in my children's blood " and walked out. good for you! That was a great comeback line. I'm lucky b/c my father is the one who told me about vaccines. My in laws don't really agree, but they see how amazing is, and they keep their mouth shut. sorry you have to go thru that to begin with. Holly **************Ideas to please picky eaters. Watch video on AOL Living. (http://living.aol.com/video/how-to-please-your-picky-eater/rachel-campos-duffy/ 2050827?NCID=aolcmp00300000002598) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 In a message dated 2/27/2008 10:04:08 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, staceysarros@... writes: Most people are coming from a lifelong mental state of mind that is almost impossible to change, that is so true. I think for a long time " modern " medicine really did come a long way in helping people. Now it is completely reversing, but people can't open their eyes to it. Holly **************Ideas to please picky eaters. Watch video on AOL Living. (http://living.aol.com/video/how-to-please-your-picky-eater/rachel-campos-duffy/ 2050827?NCID=aolcmp00300000002598) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 <<With that, I said, " well they won't be written in my children's blood " and walked out.>> I'm so sorry you had such an awful argument with your parents. But this is a GREAT response!! :-) I'll be your cheerleader! :-) Go Emma, Go!! )0(~~~)0(~~~)0( Mom to Brittany, born 08/31/93, dx'd IDDM 05/28/01; , born 06/28/97; Shayna, born 06/01/00; and Thalea, born 06/24/07. Read my birth story here: http://www.jessicas-haven.com/baby.htm!! Vaccine free since 1999. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 I totally sympathize with you. Even as adults, our parents pull rank (we'll probably be doing the same thing). I, too, had my sanity questioned by my mom many times over the vaccine issue. It's different with parents than with others because parents don't want their past judgment being criticized. The only thing that has helped my mom " see the light " is the passing of time (my oldest is now almost 18, and youngest is 8). One thing you might do is agree with them that back in their day only a few vaccines were given so you can see why they did it. Nowadays, it's different with the many, many vaccines being given. You will never win on the specifics. They just don't get it. It's very frustrating. Winnie Fight with parents Vaccinations > I am 35 and just had the most unbelievable fight with my parents over > vaccinations. I'm an only child and I felt demoralized as I > often did as a > teenager by my father who is very intelligent but not a fair > fighter and my > mom who sits over his shoulder, like a cheerleader and nods her > head like > she even knows what he's talking about. I tried to back out > several times > but kept having to defend myself as a MOTHER. But I made very > good points > and brought up facts, esp about tetanus that he obviously didn't > know. He > moved onto polio and when I mentioned that polio was never > communicable, my > mom and dad both stood up and FREAKED out. First my dad said > that he can't > believe he paid for my f-ing education and then said that all medical > journals are " written in blood " . With that, I said, " well they > won't be > written in my children's blood " and walked out. > > > > Emma Mc > > Rowlett, TX > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 The way to deal with this is to take the scientific approach. Ask them to present to you the random controlled trials results, the gold standard of scientific testing, of the last 20 years of vaccine testing. They wont be able to because they do not exist. All other type of testing is not the gold standard. Our kids deserve the gold standard of testing...nothing less...If your parents do not understand this and rely purely on what the government says.......then its best just to agree to disagree wharrison@... schrieb: > > I totally sympathize with you. Even as adults, our parents pull rank > (we'll probably be doing the same thing). I, too, had my sanity > questioned by my mom many times over the vaccine issue. It's different > with parents than with others because parents don't want their past > judgment being criticized. The only thing that has helped my mom " see > the light " is the passing of time (my oldest is now almost 18, and > youngest is 8). > > > 21.1/1302 - Release Date: 27/02/2008 16:34 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't want their past judgment being criticized.>> I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is very true of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a homebirth and not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually she just accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - she's one of those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, she won't even dig in (sigh). Good for you for standing up for yourself. Magda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi Emma, I have had issue after issue with my in-laws about the way we birthed our son (unassisted homebirth), vaccination issues, cloth diapering, babywearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, you name it. We've gotten so many insulting comments from them, like our son will sleep with us till he's in high school,he'll nurse till he's 10, he'll be a mamma's boy, we're spoiling him. They've even accused us of accusing them of being bad parents because we are not taking their parenting advice. At first we also tried to find scientific information (study after study!) to present to them to defend our choices. But the more research we presented them, the worst our arguments got. It was exhausting! I got incredibly frustrated and depressed by this and so I searched out a little book that has changed my life. It is called " Toxic Inlaws " by psychologist Forward. She has so many helpful tips in that book. The first thing, you and your hubby have to stand together as a team, let them know that you are making decisions together and these decisions are NOT up for debate. If they continue to argue with you, Dr. Forward recommends using non-defensive communication. Basically acknowledging (not agreeing with) what they say without starting up an argument. Things like: -You're entitled to your opinion (and you leave it at that). If they say anything else, you remain silent. -I'm sure that's how it looks like to you. -That could be. -I'm sure you see it that way. -We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me. -I'm sorry you're upset. -I know you are upset/angry/disappointed but this is not negotiable. -We see things differently. If they just keep on and on, you should try to end the conversation/visit asap and resume it when everyone is feeling calmer, otherwise you'll get into an endless cylce of argumentation. You could say something like: -Yelling/threatening/withdrawing/crying is nto going to work anymore and it doesn't resolve things (then end the visit). -Let's talk when you're feeling calmer. Basically you have to let them know that you are the parent, the decisions you make for your children are yours and your hubby's to make, and they are way out of line for even bringing the subject up. If you use non-defensive statements, you can taper the conversation off rather than refueling it. I know it is very tempting to make them see your side of your argument and to change how they feel,but it is very difficult to change people, to change how they feel,to change their ways. All you can do is change how you communicate with them, and in the end, you have to figure out your true goal - yes, in an ideal world they would come to you and say " Well Emma, we have thought it over and we realized we raised an intelligent, caring woman who is a great mother, we are sorry for questioning you " - but the reality will probably be that they will never see your way. So for your own health and sanity (and your family's) it is just best to deal with them in a way that shows them that they are stepping on your toes and you will not put up with it, and to end discussions revolved around your parenting decisions pronto (whether they are about vaccinations or any other parenting decisions you might make). You can even tell them that you don't love them any less and you care about them, but when it comes to your child, you are the boss and they have to accept it (i.e. end the argument/discussion) or leave (or ask them to leave) and come back when they are feeling calmer. It has been a long struggle at our home, but we have done this consistently. We even went for couple's counselling and our psychologist basically gave us the same advice, except she didn't go into as much detail. That's where Dr. Forward's book came in really handy. She doesn't just say - try nondefensive communication, she actually shows you examples of nondefensive communication. Consistensy is the key, however. If you even give in once to them - they will keep trying to assert their authority over your parenting choices. Also, our psychologist told us that my DH's parents might keep using threats to have control over us, say things like: " oh so you don't love us anymore " or " we won't see you anymore " , etc. but she assured us that these threats are very common in power struggles and that my DH's parents will not stop loving him and will not stop seeing him or their grandson, that these are just tactics they use to keep controling us so that they get their way. But if you are consistently gentle but firm and stand up for yourself and family, eventuallly your parents will get it and they will back off. It's really about setting boundaries and showing them how they can treat you. If you keep letting them yell/threaten/put you down for your choices, you are actually letting them know (through your defensive or submissive behaviour) that it is ok to be treated that way. If you put your foot down and let them know that their behavior is not acceptable, then they will learn that they cannot threaten you and bully you into doing what they want you to do. Hope this helps, and good luck! Monika > > <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is very true > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a homebirth and > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually she just > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - she's one of > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, she won't > even dig in (sigh). > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > Magda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Oh, boy, I forgot about the debates over the kids sleeping with us, too. That one really gets the parents upset. I used to get the " they'll need to sleep on their own sometime " argument. I would say " they'll be driving one day, too, but I'm not giving my five-year-old the keys now. " One relative actually told me not to pick up my 4-week-old baby (my first) when he cried because I'd end up with a 4-yr-old who wanted to be held all the time. So what? I told her. People can take it as a personal insult that you might take another approach to parenting--and of course, that goes both ways. Winnie Re: Fight with parents Vaccinations > Hi Emma, > > I have had issue after issue with my in-laws about the way we birthed > our son (unassisted homebirth), vaccination issues, cloth diapering, > babywearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, you name it. We've > gotten so many insulting comments from them, like our son will sleep > with us till he's in high school,he'll nurse till he's 10, he'll > be a > mamma's boy, we're spoiling him. They've even accused us of accusing > them of being bad parents because we are not taking their parenting > advice. > > At first we also tried to find scientific information (study after > study!) to present to them to defend our choices. But the more > research we presented them, the worst our arguments got. It was > exhausting! > > I got incredibly frustrated and depressed by this and so I searched > out a little book that has changed my life. It is called " Toxic > Inlaws " by psychologist Forward. > > She has so many helpful tips in that book. The first thing, you and > your hubby have to stand together as a team, let them know that you > are making decisions together and these decisions are NOT up for > debate. > If they continue to argue with you, Dr. Forward recommends using > non-defensive communication. Basically acknowledging (not agreeing > with) what they say without starting up an argument. > > Things like: > > -You're entitled to your opinion (and you leave it at that). If they > say anything else, you remain silent. > -I'm sure that's how it looks like to you. > -That could be. > -I'm sure you see it that way. > -We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me. > -I'm sorry you're upset. > -I know you are upset/angry/disappointed but this is not negotiable. > -We see things differently. > > > If they just keep on and on, you should try to end the > conversation/visit asap and resume it when everyone is feeling calmer, > otherwise you'll get into an endless cylce of argumentation. > > You could say something like: > > -Yelling/threatening/withdrawing/crying is nto going to work anymore > and it doesn't resolve things (then end the visit). > -Let's talk when you're feeling calmer. > > Basically you have to let them know that you are the parent, the > decisions you make for your children are yours and your hubby's to > make, and they are way out of line for even bringing the subject up. > > If you use non-defensive statements, you can taper the conversation > off rather than refueling it. > > I know it is very tempting to make them see your side of your argument > and to change how they feel,but it is very difficult to change people, > to change how they feel,to change their ways. > > All you can do is change how you communicate with them, and in the > end, you have to figure out your true goal - yes, in an ideal world > they would come to you and say " Well Emma, we have thought it > over and > we realized we raised an intelligent, caring woman who is a great > mother, we are sorry for questioning you " - but the reality will > probably be that they will never see your way. > > So for your own health and sanity (and your family's) it is just best > to deal with them in a way that shows them that they are > stepping on > your toes and you will not put up with it, and to end discussions > revolved around your parenting decisions pronto (whether they are > about vaccinations or any other parenting decisions you might make). > > You can even tell them that you don't love them any less and you care > about them, but when it comes to your child, you are the boss > and they > have to accept it (i.e. end the argument/discussion) or leave > (or ask > them to leave) and come back when they are feeling calmer. > > It has been a long struggle at our home, but we have done this > consistently. We even went for couple's counselling and our > psychologist basically gave us the same advice, except she > didn't go > into as much detail. That's where Dr. Forward's book came in really > handy. She doesn't just say - try nondefensive communication, she > actually shows you examples of nondefensive communication. > > Consistensy is the key, however. If you even give in once to > them - > they will keep trying to assert their authority over your parenting > choices. Also, our psychologist told us that my DH's parents might > keep using threats to have control over us, say things like: " oh so > you don't love us anymore " or " we won't see you anymore " , etc. > but she assured us that these threats are very common in power > struggles and that my DH's parents will not stop loving him and will > not stop seeing him or their grandson, that these are just tactics > they use to keep controling us so that they get their way. > > But if you are consistently gentle but firm and stand up for yourself > and family, eventuallly your parents will get it and they will > back off. > > It's really about setting boundaries and showing them how they can > treat you. If you keep letting them yell/threaten/put you down for > your choices, you are actually letting them know (through your > defensive or submissive behaviour) that it is ok to be treated that > way. If you put your foot down and let them know that their behavior > is not acceptable, then they will learn that they cannot > threaten you > and bully you into doing what they want you to do. > > > Hope this helps, and good luck! > > Monika > > > > > > > > <> don't > > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is > very true > > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a > homebirth and > > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually > she just > > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - > she's one of > > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, > she won't > > even dig in (sigh). > > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > > Magda > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 That's ridiculous! How else is a 4 week old baby supposed to let us know they need something? They cry - that's their only mode of communicating their needs to us when they're little. To not attend to their needs is neglect, plain and simple. I've not had the vaccination fight with parents because they saw plain and simple what vaccines did to my first son, but I've had that fight over homeschooling with my mother in law. Bottom line, they're our children and we get to make the decisions. Agree or disagree, it's not anyone else's place to decide for my kids - it's our place, that's why we're the child's parents. If they can't respect that (note, I didn't say accept because I couldn't care less if they agree or disagree, but they must respect our wishes), the topic is not up for discussion and we've gone so far as to say that if they cannot respect our decisions and leave the topic be, we cannot be around them and will not be coming to visit or sending the kids to their house until they can. They have to decide what they want more - to see their family or think that they're right. -- Roni Bergerson Independent Monavie Distributor Celebrate Good Health with Monavie! http://www.mymonavie.com/jandrbergerson/ --------- Re: Fight with parents Vaccinations > Hi Emma, > > I have had issue after issue with my in-laws about the way we birthed > our son (unassisted homebirth), vaccination issues, cloth diapering, > babywearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, you name it. We've > gotten so many insulting comments from them, like our son will sleep > with us till he's in high school,he'll nurse till he's 10, he'll > be a > mamma's boy, we're spoiling him. They've even accused us of accusing > them of being bad parents because we are not taking their parenting > advice. > > At first we also tried to find scientific information (study after > study!) to present to them to defend our choices. But the more > research we presented them, the worst our arguments got. It was > exhausting! > > I got incredibly frustrated and depressed by this and so I searched > out a little book that has changed my life. It is called " Toxic > Inlaws " by psychologist Forward. > > She has so many helpful tips in that book. The first thing, you and > your hubby have to stand together as a team, let them know that you > are making decisions together and these decisions are NOT up for > debate. > If they continue to argue with you, Dr. Forward recommends using > non-defensive communication. Basically acknowledging (not agreeing > with) what they say without starting up an argument. > > Things like: > > -You're entitled to your opinion (and you leave it at that). If they > say anything else, you remain silent. > -I'm sure that's how it looks like to you. > -That could be. > -I'm sure you see it that way. > -We'll never get anywhere if you keep insulting me. > -I'm sorry you're upset. > -I know you are upset/angry/disappointed but this is not negotiable. > -We see things differently. > > > If they just keep on and on, you should try to end the > conversation/visit asap and resume it when everyone is feeling calmer, > otherwise you'll get into an endless cylce of argumentation. > > You could say something like: > > -Yelling/threatening/withdrawing/crying is nto going to work anymore > and it doesn't resolve things (then end the visit). > -Let's talk when you're feeling calmer. > > Basically you have to let them know that you are the parent, the > decisions you make for your children are yours and your hubby's to > make, and they are way out of line for even bringing the subject up. > > If you use non-defensive statements, you can taper the conversation > off rather than refueling it. > > I know it is very tempting to make them see your side of your argument > and to change how they feel,but it is very difficult to change people, > to change how they feel,to change their ways. > > All you can do is change how you communicate with them, and in the > end, you have to figure out your true goal - yes, in an ideal world > they would come to you and say " Well Emma, we have thought it > over and > we realized we raised an intelligent, caring woman who is a great > mother, we are sorry for questioning you " - but the reality will > probably be that they will never see your way. > > So for your own health and sanity (and your family's) it is just best > to deal with them in a way that shows them that they are > stepping on > your toes and you will not put up with it, and to end discussions > revolved around your parenting decisions pronto (whether they are > about vaccinations or any other parenting decisions you might make). > > You can even tell them that you don't love them any less and you care > about them, but when it comes to your child, you are the boss > and they > have to accept it (i.e. end the argument/discussion) or leave > (or ask > them to leave) and come back when they are feeling calmer. > > It has been a long struggle at our home, but we have done this > consistently. We even went for couple's counselling and our > psychologist basically gave us the same advice, except she > didn't go > into as much detail. That's where Dr. Forward's book came in really > handy. She doesn't just say - try nondefensive communication, she > actually shows you examples of nondefensive communication. > > Consistensy is the key, however. If you even give in once to > them - > they will keep trying to assert their authority over your parenting > choices. Also, our psychologist told us that my DH's parents might > keep using threats to have control over us, say things like: " oh so > you don't love us anymore " or " we won't see you anymore " , etc. > but she assured us that these threats are very common in power > struggles and that my DH's parents will not stop loving him and will > not stop seeing him or their grandson, that these are just tactics > they use to keep controling us so that they get their way. > > But if you are consistently gentle but firm and stand up for yourself > and family, eventuallly your parents will get it and they will > back off. > > It's really about setting boundaries and showing them how they can > treat you. If you keep letting them yell/threaten/put you down for > your choices, you are actually letting them know (through your > defensive or submissive behaviour) that it is ok to be treated that > way. If you put your foot down and let them know that their behavior > is not acceptable, then they will learn that they cannot > threaten you > and bully you into doing what they want you to do. > > > Hope this helps, and good luck! > > Monika > > > > > > > > <> don't > > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is > very true > > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a > homebirth and > > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually > she just > > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - > she's one of > > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, > she won't > > even dig in (sigh). > > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > > Magda > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 winnie- i agree w/ you that 'we'll probly be doing the same thing' when our kids are adults/parents themselves, but i would LIKE to think, from the learning i've had to do re: vaxes, birth, etc etc & the repurcussions i've had (vax damaged child, bad birth/CP experiences, etc) that i'd at least be adult enough to say " ok, you don't want to vax your child? why? can you show me something, point me somewhere so i can understand your point of view?? " rather than a flat out " you're nuts! " close minded approach. i mean truly, & this is what boggles me w/ my own mother, she loves me dearly & usually (after working very hard to show her i'm not doing it blind) she understands if not backs my choices as an adult, BUT that power-trip parent attitude doesn't help anything. as parents you hope that you taught your children well enough that they use their brains, not following the crowd & values their children enough to not harm them w/ " fad " choices. so if i were presented w/ this situation or similar, i'd LIKE to think i'd be grown up enough to realize my children are now smart capable ADULTS w/ children of their own & really TRY to realize why/what they're thinking on a topic like this so i could understand. especially if it questioned MY ideals THAT much, i'd want to see where they're coming to these conclusions. to be so firmly stuck in mud serves no one, as we've all seen life change as the years pass. Vioxx was safe (TIC) at one point, only to be jerked from the market- examples like that, things were said to be safe & proven differently later, so what makes THIS topic that different? except that a certain person doesn't KNOW this or doesn't WANT to know these changes. ~marcia~ > > I totally sympathize with you. Even as adults, our parents pull rank (we'll probably be doing the same thing). I, too, had my sanity questioned by my mom many times over the vaccine issue. It's different with parents than with others because parents don't want their past judgment being criticized. The only thing that has helped my mom " see the light " is the passing of time (my oldest is now almost 18, and youngest is 8). > > One thing you might do is agree with them that back in their day only a few vaccines were given so you can see why they did it. Nowadays, it's different with the many, many vaccines being given. You will never win on the specifics. They just don't get it. It's very frustrating. > > Winnie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 You're right. It's important along the way to point out facts about vaccines, news articles, etc. My boys complain when I do but it sticks. One son had to do a school project about choosing a law to change and wanted something no one else would have. I suggested mandatory vaccinations and he (surprise!) did it on that--made some good points, too, and opened up some discussion from his friends. I really do worry that they'll marry someone pro-vax so am trying to educate my kids while I have some influence. Winnie Re: Fight with parents Vaccinations > winnie- i agree w/ you that 'we'll probly be doing the same > thing' > when our kids are adults/parents themselves, but i would LIKE to > think, from the learning i've had to do re: vaxes, birth, etc > etc & > the repurcussions i've had (vax damaged child, bad birth/CP > experiences, etc) that i'd at least be adult enough to say " ok, > you > don't want to vax your child? why? can you show me something, > point > me somewhere so i can understand your point of view?? " rather > than a > flat out " you're nuts! " close minded approach. > i mean truly, & this is what boggles me w/ my own mother, she > loves > me dearly & usually (after working very hard to show her i'm not > doing it blind) she understands if not backs my choices as an > adult, > BUT that power-trip parent attitude doesn't help anything. as > parents you hope that you taught your children well enough that > they > use their brains, not following the crowd & values their > children > enough to not harm them w/ " fad " choices. so if i were > presented w/ > this situation or similar, i'd LIKE to think i'd be grown up > enough > to realize my children are now smart capable ADULTS w/ children > of > their own & really TRY to realize why/what they're thinking on a > topic like this so i could understand. especially if it > questioned > MY ideals THAT much, i'd want to see where they're coming to > these > conclusions. to be so firmly stuck in mud serves no one, as > we've > all seen life change as the years pass. Vioxx was safe (TIC) at > one > point, only to be jerked from the market- examples like that, > things > were said to be safe & proven differently later, so what makes > THIS > topic that different? except that a certain person doesn't KNOW > this > or doesn't WANT to know these changes. > ~marcia~ > > > > > > I totally sympathize with you. Even as adults, our parents > pull > rank (we'll probably be doing the same thing). I, too, had my > sanity > questioned by my mom many times over the vaccine issue. It's > different with parents than with others because parents don't > want > their past judgment being criticized. The only thing that has > helped > my mom " see the light " is the passing of time (my oldest is now > almost 18, and youngest is 8). > > > > One thing you might do is agree with them that back in their > day > only a few vaccines were given so you can see why they did it. > Nowadays, it's different with the many, many vaccines being > given. > You will never win on the specifics. They just don't get it. > It's > very frustrating. > > > > Winnie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Hi Roni and Emma, you're exactly on the right track - it doesn't matter if people agree or disagree. It would be great if we could show everyone the truth about vaccines (or the benefits of homeschooling, co-sleeping, etc) but the fact of the matter is that many people are stuck in their ways. Our psychologist did tell us that it has to be my DH who speaks to his parents,because if I do it, they will only use that to try to get inbetween us, but we've both read Dr. Forward's book and our counselling sessions have really helped. It felt weird at first to give such scripted answers (i.e. the nondefensive communication Dr. Forward outlines) but it really helped because when you are in the heat of the moment arguing with someone, it is handy to have something to say that will put a stop to the argument. Basically, whenever they make comments about our parenting now, and how we are ruining our child, my DH says, " I'm sorry you feel this way or I can see how you would see it that way, we see things differently...however, this topic is not up for discussion " and then he either ends the conversation, or if we are seeing them in person we change the topic or if they refuse, we tell them that we need to end the visit and we hope our next visit with them is calmer and respectful of our wishes. It's been a battle,but basically showing the in-laws that we are the decision makers when it comes to our children, and that they have no say in it, has really helped. DH got a lot of guilt trips at first, like " oh so you dont' care for our opinion, " or " this is not how we raised you " but we expected that, our psychologist warned us that their comments would get worst at first. So we just stand our ground and end the conversation or visit if they refuse to respect our wishes (i.e. to not discuss our parenting, or respect our wishes for a calm visit, etc.) that kind of stress is really not good for anyone, let alone our son! Good luck Emma! -Monika > > > > > > <> don't > > > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > > > > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is > > very true > > > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a > > homebirth and > > > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually > > she just > > > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - > > she's one of > > > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, > > she won't > > > even dig in (sigh). > > > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > > > Magda > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Thanks Sherri, it has been an uphill battle but as we get more confident in our parenting, it does get easier dealing with in-laws, parents, other family, etc. and their well meaning but destructive attitudes/comments directed our way. Consistency and standing firm is really the key! -Monika > >> > >> <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't > >> want their past judgment being criticized.>> > >> > >> I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is very true > >> of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a homebirth and > >> not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually she just > >> accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - she's one of > >> those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, she won't > >> even dig in (sigh). > >> Good for you for standing up for yourself. > >> Magda > >> > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 <<It's different with parents than with others because parents don't want their past judgment being criticized.>> I was born in 1973 and my mom says I never had a chicken pox vaccination.??? To this day I've never had the chicken pox and I'm not immune. This is scary to me when I am pregnant, and I hope to be pg again this year. My mom seemed to think I was criticizing her for not being immune! And then she said that I was formula fed too and turned out just fine. <<<<<<sigh>>>>> Emma Mc Rowlett, TX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 28, 2008 Report Share Posted February 28, 2008 Monika: If I may give you this one simple advice. There's no need to argue. It creates undue stress that's not needed. The bottom line is that YOU are the parent. And just as your parents did what they thought is right for you, YOU are doing what's right for your child(ren). The difference is now in this day and age, there's much more access to information. (some true, some false, it's up to you as a parent to decipher). IMO, don't let this ruin a family, but instead, take the opportunity to discuss. If that should fail, go back to issue #1, you are the parent. Just keep that in perspective, and you'll do good! Welcome aboard! Randi J. Airola, © 517-819-5926 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2008 Report Share Posted February 29, 2008 Good for you.It took some time to convince my hubby and parents as well.I would just drop it with these two.Just tell them that the subject is closed and no longer up for discusion.It's your turn now to be a mom and they need to back off.Lori Emma Mc <em.fiery@...> wrote: I am 35 and just had the most unbelievable fight with my parents over vaccinations. I'm an only child and I felt demoralized as I often did as a teenager by my father who is very intelligent but not a fair fighter and my mom who sits over his shoulder, like a cheerleader and nods her head like she even knows what he's talking about. I tried to back out several times but kept having to defend myself as a MOTHER. But I made very good points and brought up facts, esp about tetanus that he obviously didn't know. He moved onto polio and when I mentioned that polio was never communicable, my mom and dad both stood up and FREAKED out. First my dad said that he can't believe he paid for my f-ing education and then said that all medical journals are " written in blood " . With that, I said, " well they won't be written in my children's blood " and walked out. Emma Mc Rowlett, TX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2008 Report Share Posted February 29, 2008 We handled things that way too. My husband dealt with his mother over the homeschooling matter. >It's been a battle,but basically showing the in-laws that we are the >decision makers when it comes to our children, and that they have no >say in it, has really helped. DH got a lot of guilt trips at first, >like " oh so you dont' care for our opinion, " or " this is not how we >raised you " but we expected that, our psychologist warned us that >their comments would get worst at first. So we just stand our ground >and end the conversation or visit if they refuse to respect our wishes >(i.e. to not discuss our parenting, or respect our wishes for a calm >visit, etc.) We also got the guilt trip, in fact, we got the " this is not how we raised you " comment verbatim and my husband replied " You mean to tell me that you didn't raise me to think for myself and to come to my own conclusions about things? You didn't raise me to do everything in my power my child grows up strong, healthy and educated? " She had no response for that because that was how he was raised. What she failed to consider though is that my husband's ability to think for himself could result in a conclusion that was different from what she expected and one she didn't agree with (i.e. us homeschooling our children rather than sending them into the same public school system she's taught in for 30 years). In the end, I think she just wanted her concerns heard and we did hear them. We even discussed them at great length, but in the end we've made the decision that we feel is best for our family. That's our right and responsibility as good parents. I'm sure our parents would expect no less from us, even if they don't agree with how we accomplish that. -- Roni Bergerson Independent Monavie Distributor Celebrate Good Health with Monavie! http://www.mymonavie.com/jandrbergerson/ -------------- Original message -------------- From: " emtonnotme " <emtonnotme@...> Hi Roni and Emma, you're exactly on the right track - it doesn't matter if people agree or disagree. It would be great if we could show everyone the truth about vaccines (or the benefits of homeschooling, co-sleeping, etc) but the fact of the matter is that many people are stuck in their ways. Our psychologist did tell us that it has to be my DH who speaks to his parents,because if I do it, they will only use that to try to get inbetween us, but we've both read Dr. Forward's book and our counselling sessions have really helped. It felt weird at first to give such scripted answers (i.e. the nondefensive communication Dr. Forward outlines) but it really helped because when you are in the heat of the moment arguing with someone, it is handy to have something to say that will put a stop to the argument. Basically, whenever they make comments about our parenting now, and how we are ruining our child, my DH says, " I'm sorry you feel this way or I can see how you would see it that way, we see things differently...however, this topic is not up for discussion " and then he either ends the conversation, or if we are seeing them in person we change the topic or if they refuse, we tell them that we need to end the visit and we hope our next visit with them is calmer and respectful of our wishes. It's been a battle,but basically showing the in-laws that we are the decision makers when it comes to our children, and that they have no say in it, has really helped. DH got a lot of guilt trips at first, like " oh so you dont' care for our opinion, " or " this is not how we raised you " but we expected that, our psychologist warned us that their comments would get worst at first. So we just stand our ground and end the conversation or visit if they refuse to respect our wishes (i.e. to not discuss our parenting, or respect our wishes for a calm visit, etc.) that kind of stress is really not good for anyone, let alone our son! Good luck Emma! -Monika > > > > > > <> don't > > > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > > > > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this is > > very true > > > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a > > homebirth and > > > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. Eventually > > she just > > > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - > > she's one of > > > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " info, > > she won't > > > even dig in (sigh). > > > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > > > Magda > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 29, 2008 Report Share Posted February 29, 2008 That's a great response your husband gave. I hope his mother realized it was really a tribute to her that he said that. Winnie Re: Re: Fight with parents Vaccinations > We handled things that way too. My husband dealt with his > mother over the homeschooling matter. > > >It's been a battle,but basically showing the in-laws that we > are the > >decision makers when it comes to our children, and that they > have no > >say in it, has really helped. DH got a lot of guilt trips at first, > >like " oh so you dont' care for our opinion, " or " this is not > how we > >raised you " but we expected that, our psychologist warned us that > >their comments would get worst at first. So we just stand our ground > >and end the conversation or visit if they refuse to respect our > wishes>(i.e. to not discuss our parenting, or respect our wishes > for a calm > >visit, etc.) > > We also got the guilt trip, in fact, we got the " this is not how > we raised you " comment verbatim and my husband replied " You mean > to tell me that you didn't raise me to think for myself and to > come to my own conclusions about things? You didn't raise me to > do everything in my power my child grows up strong, healthy and > educated? " She had no response for that because that was how he > was raised. What she failed to consider though is that my > husband's ability to think for himself could result in a > conclusion that was different from what she expected and one she > didn't agree with (i.e. us homeschooling our children rather > than sending them into the same public school system she's > taught in for 30 years). > > In the end, I think she just wanted her concerns heard and we > did hear them. We even discussed them at great length, but in > the end we've made the decision that we feel is best for our > family. That's our right and responsibility as good parents. > I'm sure our parents would expect no less from us, even if they > don't agree with how we accomplish that. > > -- > Roni Bergerson > Independent Monavie Distributor > Celebrate Good Health with Monavie! > http://www.mymonavie.com/jandrbergerson/ > > -------------- Original message -------------- > From: " emtonnotme " > Hi Roni and Emma, you're exactly on the right track - it doesn't > matter if people agree or disagree. It would be great if we > could show > everyone the truth about vaccines (or the benefits of homeschooling, > co-sleeping, etc) but the fact of the matter is that many people are > stuck in their ways. > > Our psychologist did tell us that it has to be my DH who speaks > to his > parents,because if I do it, they will only use that to try to get > inbetween us, but we've both read Dr. Forward's book and our > counselling sessions have really helped. > > It felt weird at first to give such scripted answers (i.e. the > nondefensive communication Dr. Forward outlines) but it really helped > because when you are in the heat of the moment arguing with someone, > it is handy to have something to say that will put a stop to the > argument. > Basically, whenever they make comments about our parenting now, and > how we are ruining our child, my DH says, " I'm sorry you feel > this way > or I can see how you would see it that way, we see things > differently...however, this topic is not up for discussion " and then > he either ends the conversation, or if we are seeing them in > person we > change the topic or if they refuse, we tell them that we need to end > the visit and we hope our next visit with them is calmer and > respectful of our wishes. > > It's been a battle,but basically showing the in-laws that we are the > decision makers when it comes to our children, and that they > have no > say in it, has really helped. DH got a lot of guilt trips at first, > like " oh so you dont' care for our opinion, " or " this is not how we > raised you " but we expected that, our psychologist warned us that > their comments would get worst at first. So we just stand our ground > and end the conversation or visit if they refuse to respect our wishes > (i.e. to not discuss our parenting, or respect our wishes for a calm > visit, etc.) > > that kind of stress is really not good for anyone, let alone our son! > > Good luck Emma! > > -Monika > > > > > > > > > > <> don't > > > > want their past judgment being criticized.>> > > > > > > > > I think you hit the nail on the head with this one - this > is > > > very true > > > > of my mom. She did this both with my decisions to have a > > > homebirth and > > > > not to vax. We talked, she yelled, threatened, etc. > Eventually > > > she just > > > > accepted. She didn't really want to research or anything - > > > she's one of > > > > those " all or nothing " people. If she can't see " all " > info, > > > she won't > > > > even dig in (sigh). > > > > Good for you for standing up for yourself. > > > > Magda > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 I worry about the opposite… what if they make choices I don’t agree with that IMO will harm my grandkids…and I have to just sit back and bite my tongue? That is going to be so hard. What if they do choose to vax and if they choose to use formula and do both parents working and do daycare??? Ohhhh I just worry about that path so much and I don’t want to alienate my kids from me and I don’t want my IL children to hate me and groan when I call or come over….I just know I wont have a tongue left though if I hear how upset the baby was when he got 5 shots at once or how much the new formula makes him spit up I want my daughters in law to be close to me and feel like I’m a 2nd mom.. I want what my MIL and I *don’t* have with them but mom’s and daughters…it’s going to take some finesse that I’m afraid I don’t have… I’m too blunt and opinionated I have heard via the grapevine that my MIL is “very concerned” about my lack of vaxxing my kids but she hasn’t ever talked to me about it so until then.. I leave it a closed subject b/c of just that thing. These are my kids and I am responsible for them. Nita, Mom to: 14, Jon 13, 10, 8, 6, Christian (7/16/03 to 8/22/04), 2 and Isaac, 2/308 Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. We also got the guilt trip, in fact, we got the " this is not how we raised you " comment verbatim and my husband replied " You mean to tell me that you didn't raise me to think for myself and to come to my own conclusions about things? You didn't raise me to do everything in my power my child grows up strong, healthy and educated? " No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.2/1305 - Release Date: 2/29/2008 6:32 PM No virus found in this outgoing message. Checked by AVG Free Edition. Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.2/1305 - Release Date: 2/29/2008 6:32 PM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 I worry about the same, but the only thing you can do is raise your kids the best you can, tell them why you made the choices you made and then turn them loose to make their own decisions and live their own lives when the time is right. As much as we think that our children vaxing their kids, using formula and sending kids off to daycare is terrible, our parents may think that not vaxing kids, breast feeding for extended periods of time and homeschooling is just as terrible. That's why it's important to do what you feel is right and raise our kids the best way we know how so they can go out into the world and start their own lives. As much as I'd hate to think my kids would vaccinate their own kids or not homeschool them like they were homeschooled, I must accept their decisions as grown adults. There comes a point when they must be allowed to make their own decisions - whether we agree with them or not. I struggle with that as well. -- Roni Bergerson Independent Monavie Distributor Celebrate Good Health with Monavie! http://www.mymonavie.com/jandrbergerson/ -------------- Original message -------------- From: " Venita Garner " <nitagarner@...> > I worry about the opposite… what if they make choices I don’t agree with > that IMO will harm my grandkids…and I have to just sit back and bite my > tongue? That is going to be so hard. What if they do choose to vax and > if they choose to use formula and do both parents working and do > daycare??? Ohhhh I just worry about that path so much and I don’t want > to alienate my kids from me and I don’t want my IL children to hate me > and groan when I call or come over….I just know I wont have a tongue > left though if I hear how upset the baby was when he got 5 shots at once > or how much the new formula makes him spit up > > > > I want my daughters in law to be close to me and feel like I’m a 2nd > mom.. I want what my MIL and I *don’t* have with them but mom’s and > daughters…it’s going to take some finesse that I’m afraid I don’t have… > I’m too blunt and opinionated > > I have heard via the grapevine that my MIL is “very concerned” about my > lack of vaxxing my kids but she hasn’t ever talked to me about it so > until then.. I leave it a closed subject b/c of just that thing. These > are my kids and I am responsible for them. > > Nita, Mom to: 14, Jon 13, 10, 8, 6, Christian > (7/16/03 to 8/22/04), 2 and Isaac, 2/308 > Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long > enough to make them all yourself. > > > We also got the guilt trip, in fact, we got the " this is not how we > raised you " comment verbatim and my husband replied " You mean to tell me > that you didn't raise me to think for myself and to come to my own > conclusions about things? You didn't raise me to do everything in my > power my child grows up strong, healthy and educated? " > > > No virus found in this incoming message. > Checked by AVG Free Edition. > Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.2/1305 - Release Date: > 2/29/2008 6:32 PM > > > > No virus found in this outgoing message. > Checked by AVG Free Edition. > Version: 7.5.516 / Virus Database: 269.21.2/1305 - Release Date: > 2/29/2008 6:32 PM > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 1, 2008 Report Share Posted March 1, 2008 What you can't control, you need to let go of. Seriously, it will save you all the stress. Change what you can, accept what you can't. My hubby and I both work and we do daycare. Is that what I wanted? No, but in today's world, is it realistic to believe all can be handled on one income? No. (not unless one is vastly wealthy). I had to accept these things and move on, otherwise the guilt, rage, and regrets would take over. (not a healthy combination). If you don't want your children to alienate you, give them the same respect you wanted. Not always will it be peaches, but IMO, it will be better than trying to be a dictator. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ --- I worry about the opposite… what if they make choices I don’t agree with that IMO will harm my grandkids…and I have to just sit back and bite my tongue? That is going to be so hard. What if they do choose to vax and if they choose to use formula and do both parents working and do daycare??? Ohhhh I just worry about that path so much and I don’t want to alienate my kids from me and I don’t want my IL children to hate me and groan when I call or come over….I just know I wont have a tongue left though if I hear how upset the baby was when he got 5 shots at once or how much the new formula makes him spit up I want my daughters in law to be close to me and feel like I’m a 2nd mom.. I want what my MIL and I *don’t* have with them but mom’s and daughters…it’s going to take some finesse that I’m afraid I don’t have… I’m too blunt and opinionated I have heard via the grapevine that my MIL is “very concerned” about my lack of vaxxing my kids but she hasn’t ever talked to me about it so until then.. I leave it a closed subject b/c of just that thing. These are my kids and I am responsible for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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