[Mindful i Mouse] Tug of War

[Guest guest]

The thing about counting calories is that it can be so alarming. The thing about sneak eating, is that it can sneak up on you. I ate well yesterday, I knew I was eating more than I should, but in the end, the calories and the carbs shot through the roof. Two things came into play and I will just mark them down without trying to justify anything. 1. I was left alone for a few hours, working on the massive amount of laundry and finding myself gobbling down cookies, crackers and chocolate chips for no reason whatsoever, I just felt like getting away with something bad. 2. I made my husband a steak dinner and a low carb cheese cake. As the last night that he can have alcohol, I made an Irish coffee and served dessert while we watched a film. There was a sweet sadness over everything as neither of us could really express how this all feels to know it will be a very long time until we see each other again. We are both using food to soothe. The consequences are clear, he is feeling bloated and uncomfortable, my weight continues to climb, I am up from 229 on the 8th, 235.4 on the 14th, to 236.8 this morning. My BG is 117. I had planned on having 1/16th of the cheesecake, but had 1/8 instead. Add that to the Irish coffee and that's a whopping 643 calories! The food I crammed into my mouth while alone, was 522 calories. These two things were enough calories for an entire day! So of course, the rest of the meal calories were overshadowed. Heavy sigh (in more ways than one). We watched the film, Precious last night. It felt very strange to be confronted with the visual of an obese girl. Repression, low self esteem, abuse, all tied up in a knot of fat. What obese woman could ignore the many layers that this film touched on? The life that Precious lived and I lived could not be further apart, but I felt the searing pain of being massively obese just watching her every move. Where we really that far apart? Was I watching me trying to move through this world just a couple of years ago? Am I safe from it? Is it just a matter of a few more cookies and crackers stuffed into my mouth when no one is looking or double a slice of cheesecake because it is " low carb " ? When will I stop? How strong can I be? How weak can I be? How much longer can I be obsessed over every bite I eat? Why is it that every time I come home I fall back into the struggles? Tomorrow I will be taking my husband back to the truck and saying goodbye. How will I handle that? --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/16/2011 05:07:00 AM