[Mindful i Mouse] The Mousetrap

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Head: woozy, slightly headachy Hands: swollen and wedding ring is tight Shoulders: tensed and achy Back: strained and uncomfortable R Hip: painful and it is difficult to walk, I am limping Internally: stomach has acid reflux, bowels are congested Pretty awful. Yesterday went as expected. Husband wanted a " last " big cooked breakfast. I ate eggs and bacon. We took everything to the truck, I put away his foods and made his bed. He pushed my bunk up, it latched against the wall so he will have all that head space now and can sit on his bunk upright. I sat with him until the dispatch came through and then we parted. As soon as I got in the car, the waterworks came full force. I drove to a discount grocery store. I was the first customer of the day and got personal attention. lol. I was going to see what tempted me, I wanted to binge. Many items went into my cart, many items went back on the shelf. I knew that my attention was pulled in a few directions, but after thinking it through, the stuff just didn't appeal to me. I decided on a single ready made cheeseburger, a single layer 9 inch frosted cake and the makings for a taco salad (ground beef and corn chips) as I already had the romaine salad mix, sour cream and cheese. I then headed to the Asian Market to look for coconut oil. I was surprised that in this huge sized store that there was only 1 brand of coconut oil. It was Parachute. I even had a clerk ask if there was any other brand. Nope. I didn't want to drive all the way to the north end of town for the health food store, nor did I want to invest any more money (husband will be keeping an eye on the accounts) so I forked out the $9 for a large and a bonus small bottle. The large has 70 servings. I also bought three teas, Gohyah, Chinese green with herbs and artichoke tea. All are listed as beneficial to losing weight and bringing down blood sugar. (My BG was 136 in the morning). None contain senna, so these are not the typical " slimming " teas. I was tempted by the wonderful noodles, but I figured that I had enough crap out in the car and there wouldn't be any way I could eat more. As it was, this binge I planned was to be over with within the day, whatever I could not eat was going in the trash. I bought a single serving bag of fish crackers, but they didn't taste as good as I remembered them, I ate less than half the bag while driving. I then hit a couple of stores, found a beautiful blouse and a pair of capri's to take to Hawaii. I still need to go through all my clothes before I leave, but that is another day project. Today, it was about eating to change the hurt of my heart to the pain of my body. Knowing this, did not prevent it. I almost felt driven. I got home about 3 pm (had no lunch) and heated up the hamburger and ate 1/2 the cake. Both tasted pretty bad. I threw the rest of the cake down the garbage disposal. Later, after a Skype session with my husband, I headed into the kitchen and got the family sized salad bowl, filled it with romaine, green onions, ground beef, corn chips, shredded cheese and dolloped sour cream on top and sriracha hot sauce. The first few bites were very good, but it soon became a chore to eat and it filled me in no time. This soon became a " set it aside " then eat again thing. I munched on sugar wafers that had a rum flavour, those were also good tasting for about 4 minutes. But I ate them anyways...about 2/3 of the bag. I got up and put the rest in the garbage disposal. While I was at it, I knew that the corn chips needed to go too. None of these foods were worth the taste. Now here comes the most astounding thing. I was stuffed, yes. I was uncomfortable, yes. But I did not eat nearly anything like I would have at any other previous binge. In fact the times I have " indulged " on home times, were in the 2000-2800 calories range. Since that is twice what I normally eat on my diet, I called them mini-binges. But yesterday, I consumed over 4000 calories! I figured the amounts by careful weighing of all the packages before and after (and before I sent them down the drain). Wow. It makes me wonder how much I ate when I didn't count anything, when I closed my eyes and just ate and ate....for days. OMG. I look at these numbers and I am literally shocked, but not surprised....if that makes any sense. So far, with the buffet, the higher calories with our full meals....my average this month is deplorable: I bet few people log in their binges. I just need to know. I need to keep my face pushed into it, to comprehend the damage I do to myself because I am often unwilling to admit that I am affected by others. I knew I would tear up when I left my husband yesterday morning, what I didn't expect was how hard the tears came, how my heart felt real pain and my hands shook. I need to pay attention to these manifestation too. That is why I started today's entry with how I felt rather that writing up a big temper tantrum about my failure. I didn't " fail " I reacted to what I feel uncomfortable reacting to. It is so much easier to replace the pain I don't know what to do with, with the pain of the familiar. This is completely different than having fun at the buffet, or eating a bit more at dinner, or having a slice of low carb cheese cake with my coffee. I know the whole routing system, the deadening of the emotion, the mechanical eating, the awful tastes, the disturbing feeling of fullness, the morning-after self hatred and the redemption through a renewed vigor of empty promises to diet even stricter than before. This has been a pattern I have completed most of my adult life. That is why I am shocked that I consumed that many calories when my mind says, it could not possibly be that many, but I am not surprised. This is why I enter everything I eat and why it continues to be necessary. Okay. Now for today. I am planning on fasting with my herbal teas for as long as I can. I am not making any declaration as to how long, I want to stay completely in the moment and just see how my body reacts, hour by hour. I last ate at 8:30pm, so it has already been 12 hours. My next plan is to go back to eating all of my meals from a bowl, using the One Bowl method by Don Gerrard. I love this book and it always helps me get back on track with mindful eating. I will be taking in coconut oil, 1 teaspoon with each meal until I feel I can take 1 tablespoon. I have given up diet pepsi (over a week now, I think) and will continue with my herbal teas. If I feel the coconut oil is helping me, I will try and hunt own some virgin oil and use the Parachute for my body and hair. My BG this morning was a surprising 107, I would have thought it would be higher, but I am also planning on taking it more often until I can get it back down again and my eating has stabilized. I do have a good thing to share....in my shopping yesterday I was keeping my eye out for a new bowl for inspiration. I found the most unique bowl I have ever come across: I love bowls with a lid. It allows me to cook and keep a lid on it while I put everything away. The lid lifts off and is a small bowl! In comparison to my hand. The bowl holds 12 oz of water, the smaller bowl holds 4 oz of water. I am very pleased with this find and when I start eating again, I am looking forward to practicing One Bowl. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/18/2011 07:47:00 AM