[Mindful i Mouse] Sorta Kinda–Diffused Efforts

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I spent yesterday trying so hard to get back on track. I read a few chapters in my One Bowl book for inspiration. I wrote a long piece about trusting myself and the One Bowl Method. I drank nearly a gallon of my herbal tea mixture. I paced myself with eating, paid attention to the tastes and textures. I thought about what I wanted to eat and made choices. So determined was I, that I even took photo's of all my meals. I purposely added Super Dieters to the mix (one tea bag each) because I needed the laxative effect. And it worked by late afternoon. I really don't care for the little smokies, but it was a quick meal. The avocado was perfection. I could have eaten that without any smokies. (first indication that I was not paying attention to where I needed to be). Totally unnecessary. I was not hungry. I was caught up in the swing of eating " low carb " without really paying any attention to my body's needs. I marinated 2 chicken breasts in yogurt and curry, then baked it with the veggies. (I forgot to add that there were a few mushrooms in there too). I added the oil to give it richness. It looked an awful mess, but tasted very good. However by this time, my insides were were having a tsunami reaction to the herbal teas and I wasn't feeling well. All the foods I have been eating in my two days of bingeing were sloshed around and it was not pleasant at all. So how do I cope? I drank two glasses of wine then slid into 5, count them, 5 sugar free pudding cups. I don't know why, but the wine knocked me out. (Indication that I did not need the wine at all). I went to bed at 7 pm, and woke up at 1 am, unable to sleep. So I get up to write about the experience and realize that I cannot stand not knowing how many calories I ate. I tried to organize it in my head, to get a feel for whether I think I did alright or didn't. Had I eaten the way my instinct had suggested, I would have not had the smokies for lunch, the pork skins and dip or more than one pudding cup. I would have had 1 glass of wine, not two. So with these shifts of yays and nays, I could not place where I was at with food. This is the part where I don't trust myself. I entered it all in and found I was at: Not good at all. Now I feel even more confused. The numbers are the NUMBERS, telling me I did poorly yesterday. So which is the better guide, what I think I did (but I have disorder thinking, don’t I?) or what the numbers tell me? I can't use how I feel as a guide because I am feeling horrible (or is that the truth I need to pay attention to?). My hands are swollen. I am nauseated and my head is cloudy. My insides are still in an uproar (but I have to say I am glad that I got things moving again). So what is my eating guide? I tested my BG at 1:30 am and it was 94! Wow, I did not expect that! That's at least part of the information I need. I waiver back and forth wanting to go all the way with One Bowl and to just jump back on the strict calorie counting wagon that keeps me locked in the never ending battle of the numbers. One thing that I had such a craving to do yesterday and did not, was take a walk in the park. Why didn't I? I kept getting the urge. I rejected it. I kept getting the urge to enter my foods in the counter, but tried to trust myself. This whole weird issue of self sabotage loves to rear it's head and gum up the works. 5 pudding cups? No walking? Kinda-sorta doing it right and then making sure it isn't all the way right? Today I am going to take that walk, clear my head, read more One Bowl and eat what appeals to me. Here is what I wrote yesterday after reading the first 25 pages of the book: I pay close attention to the sensation of hunger in my body, the opening note of what soon becomes a whole symphony of inner sensations associated with my natural digestive processes. When I sit down to eat a meal, this symphony of inner sensations begins, and it continues as long as I am eating. It is literally the background music of my body's life. Don Gerrard, page 1 I know that I have been out of balance for a long time. I have been clinging very hard to numbers, to evidence of success and pressuring myself to stay within tight boundaries. While I have tried to incorporation mindfulness, I am not consistent with it because my mind is locked around the numbers, always the numbers. Just like having too many books on dieting, I have too many books on mindful eating and suddenly I feel overwhelmed by too much information, too many methods, too many points of view and my own journey gets muddy and messy. I must clean this mess up and get a fresh perspective. One Bowl was a book that was a huge break through for me back around the turn of this century. I had been stumbling on my low carb ventures, switching nearly weekly with LC plans and bingeing in-between the switches. Always searching for the right mix of things. I tried so many methods, including a massive round of eliminations, that I soon gave up in frustration and anger. It is indeed, the folly of being on too many groups and forums, of having too many dietary books, there is too much information that pumps up the desire to find more answers. I was looking in all the wrong places. I remember when I walked into the book shop and headed over to the diet section about 10 years ago. I looked over the titles, searching desperately for the one book that would stand out and grab me. I needed something....I didn't know what it was, but I knew I had to find the " thing " I was missing. When I saw the book, it was the photo on the cover that grabbed me. It was a hand holding a very small bowl. It intrigued me. I picked it up, read a few passages and bought it. It talked about an inner symphony, a music that was always there if we would only listen. I had never been in touch with my body before. Heck, I was so disgusted with my body that I ignored it every chance I got. I was told my body was ugly and I believed it. I could tell it did not match any standards of beauty. I had been rejected by lovers because I was not beautiful, nor did my body attract their eye. So I believed it. I soon learned not to really see myself in the mirror, to put on indefinite hold, who I really was. So to read this author's words: You are the primary source; your body is the living experience. Trust it, go with it. I was awakened to a new concept. I had read Geneen Roths books and the Intuitive Eating books when they first came out, but I just couldn't do them. I would " get " the concepts, I could not practice the ideas for long. My binge mode would kick in too hard and too strong. I was not ready for the elusive philosophies presented. Their basic concept was to let go of diet mentality and stop the restrictions through following a plan of action, such as filling the cupboard with all the foods you wanted to eat and stop punishing yourself for eating them, to take away the " power " of those foods. I still maintain to this day, that one cannot be massively obese, deep in the throes of disordered eating and be able to get to that mental process anytime in the next century. One Bowl is the same path, but a different direction. It teaches to listen to the body, not just the process of eating, but all the way through the process of digestion and beyond. It teaches to reunite the body, the mind as a whole, not as a separate and fragmented self. Trust of myself is a huge issue. I have been trained since birth not to trust myself. I have been told all that is wrong with me and I had no inner resource to dispute it. I have believed that I could not lose weight unless I dieted by someone else's rules. I still believe that I cannot lose this weight unless I eat according to XXX calories. Gerrard writes about reliance on Outer Authorities and that certainly applies to me and my experience. I never really learned to listen to my inner authority. I never listened to my body talk. The book soon taught me to listen. I loved it. I loved learning to have a relationship with my body and the foods I ate. But I was not really ready back then either. I was still grasping for the brass ring. I wanted a solution and one that would work instantly, solve my problems. It did bring the benefit of learning to stop the binge cycles. For that, I am grateful. I practiced eating from a bowl on and off ever since. I am going to give it another work through. I believe I am ready this time to go through all the exercises. I never did finish the book. I had met my husband by then and was off to a new adventure and left the book on the bookshelf to gather dust. Once I read the introduction, which I did, reading out loud to myself, I felt so much better. The last couple of bad days seemed to melt away, my angst and fears about what to do next melted along with it. I know internally what to do, how I want to feel, what I want to eat. I do not need adherence to a strict dietary regimen. I do not need to fast. I need to listen. I am the primary source; my body is the living experience. I trust it, I will go with it. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/20/2011 02:16:00 AM