[Mindful i Mouse] Breaking Through

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Hungry Ghosts: Characterized by - Greed; Insatiable cravings; Addictions. " I want this, I need this, I have to have this " . This is the realm of intense craving. The Hungry Ghosts are shown with enormous stomachs and tiny necks - they want to eat, but cannot swallow; when they try to drink. the liquid turns to fire, intensifying their thirst. The torture of the hungry ghost is not so much the frustration of not being able to get what he wants, rather it is his clinging to those things he mistakenly thinks will bring satisfaction and relief. The Buddha in this Realm holds a Bowl from which the 'gifts of the gods' are distributed. This is to entice the hungry ghosts to desire for the Truth which is the only way that the deepest longings and hungers can be satisfied. Consider: 'Gollum' from Lord of the Rings; The obsessive nature of Video Games; Addictions of various sorts; We can be helped in this Realm by our willingness to 'look up', to see beyond our obsessions. I spent the day yesterday searching for emotional balm. I realized that I had not so much as meditated or practiced any mindfulness in a long time. After reading a few passages of Buddha's teachings, I felt more calm and able to look at where my heart and mind have been drifting. I knew the binge monster was surfacing as I found my mind starting to return to the old lie that food was what I wanted most, that indulgence would bring relief. I was actually planning a huge binge fest when I got home, even with all the same old lies such as " just 1 day, just this once and then I will have it all out of my system " . I felt confident that I could could the uncontrollable. Desire intensifies when it is fed. I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. It took awhile, the head chatter was strong and noisy. Then it slowly drained away. Until I could do this, I could not think any logical thoughts. Everything was all tangled up in anger and resentment, fear and anxiety. Emotions that are sticky and gum every other thought up. Then I relaxed. I read a passage about the Hungry Ghosts and understood. Addictions are always haunting, aren't they? We think they can be swept away never to return, but they do. I have discovered this time and time again with this particular weight loss journey. I am learning to face them, but I am not always immediately aware that they are rising up and attempting a take over. Yes, of course, at any time that I want to, I can eat whatever I want, in any amount. That is always an option. To think it through, I can't stop at the beginning of it....the desire. I have to think it through each layer. The desire to eat something I know is not beneficial to my body, the greed of a large quantity (which is decided independently of my stomach's capacity) and the sinful pleasure of the first few bites. This pleasure is different than just enjoying food for it's tastes and aromas, this is the kind of pleasure that comes from eating " in secret " . If I thought no further than this layer, I can easily justify it. " Why, we are suppose to enjoy food! I can't live forever on a diet! This will be fun! I need a break! " Oh, it can just go on and on. I have to bring myself to see the next layers, the ones like how I will feel when my stomach expands. How I will start to feel stuffed and uncomfortable, how I will feel sickened, how I will feel emotionally when I see the carnage of leftovers. When I wake up the next morning and feel like my body turned to lead and my head is foggy and my mood tanked. If I dare to get on the scale, I will feel alarm at the gain. This has all been so well rehearsed that I can perform this act without thinking. And that is where my answer lies. Thinking it through each and every time. I cannot think it through until I clear my head of the Hungry Ghosts and let the truth reveal itself. I was not doing that, I was not practicing mindfulness. I was not practicing compassion with my husband, I found myself acting jealous and resentful of his snacking instead of helping him reduce his stress. I was playful with him last night, we laughed and talked and I noticed he was in a better mood too. Yesterday, I found the relief I was seeking. My mood relaxed, I felt better. I smiled. I continued with my day, upped my calories with a cup of coffee and creamer after dinner, mayonnaise with my lunch and drank more water than usual since we were parked for half a day and I was close to a restroom. Once my mind cleared and I relaxed, I could see the direction I want to go when I get home. I want to continue my 1100 calorie guide. I will be switching up the meats to fresh, add more greens, give up diet soda pop and switch to water and plain tea, stick with red wine at dinner and avoid hard liquor, increase my fats and lower my carbs, and swim or walk each day. I will meditate each day. This morning, my BG was 98, my weight was 229. This is my last weight while trucking, I will show a gain when I reach the high altitude of home, but I plan on seeing if I can shift that with a higher water intake, something I have not tried before. I feel so much better seeing that 229, I needed to see it return. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/08/2011 06:14:00 AM