[Mindful i Mouse] Bumpy Landing

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Last night, although I had originally decided not to have any grapefruit after seeing my BG increase to 168 after 22g carbs of surimi at lunch time, I was still in such a depressed mood that I had 1/2 of the grapefruit at dinner and relished it like it was liquid gold! Every bite and sip was like nectar. My total carbs for yesterday was 53g, and it showed in this morning's fasting BG, 117. I am not surprised at all. What I am surprised about is my attitude and my disregard for my health. I have a mindset that tells me that a grapefruit cannot hurt anything, that it is natural and full of vitamins, but for my diabetes, no, it is not healthful. And this is mind bending to me. My resistance to the truth. My justifications for having what I want, regardless of what I need. My bad attitude yesterday had me resisting all kinds of crap at the grocery store only to get a different kind of crap and coming out with the same problem.....I just don't want to believe that foods can cause harm. This is how I got to be obese to begin with, this childish and selfish belief that food was harmless. I still have 1/2 packet of surimi and 1/2 grapefruit left and I will have them today. I cannot stand the thought of wasting food that I do find tastes good. So I will have one more day of high BG's. Yesterday's meals: Tonight, after delivery, we will go to the Yard (company head quarters) and sleep, then tomorrow I will sit in the driver's lounge all day while husband goes to his physical, his classes and the truck gets maintenanced. We should be able to have our usual breakfast, I will take my salami to the lounge for lunch and then we will order Chinese takeout for dinner. I cannot say my mood today is better, but I am going to make an effort to cheer myself up and get a grip. I really don't know what is wrong with me, if it is emotional, hormonal, the effects of low calories....or just feeling so stuck for so long. I can't get over that I weighed 232 on Dec 4th and I am only 231 today. One pound net loss in nearly 4 months? And I have 88 more pounds to lose? Every time I think of it, I want to cry. I was so angry yesterday that I actually decided on having a great binge binge all by myself when I get home, to somehow get relief from all this, but by bedtime, when I had seen my BG rise up to 168 from the surimi, I thought how damaging eating a large amount of carbs would be. I am trying not to drink, not to eat, and not to get worked up, I am just not getting any stress relief. I am feeling claustrophobic and the urge to run away is building in me. There is an emotional lump in my throat I cannot seem to swallow. I am talking myself into just trying to breathe and relax, to wait until I am home, wait until things fall into place. Right now is not the time to make any decisions. I will watch the comedy films I have on board, I will knit to soothe my nerves and I will pay attention to husband's needs. He isn't showing any stress at all about the upcoming changes, he is more interested in just getting home and having home cooked meals. Although I have been wondering if his increased snacking is hiding the stress. That might be the difference between us right now, he is getting relief, mine is not. I am glad for having this blog, I am able to have at least a place to blow off steam and be able to see it written out and what it congeals into. We should be home this weekend or close to it, so my thoughts are centering on that, crossing my fingers that they have the indoor pool heating and I can just take the plunge and work off all this built up stress. Breathe, breathe, breathe. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/07/2011 07:00:00 AM