Re: [Mindful i Mouse] I Am Lost

[Guest guest]

How will you have more money being separated? I know your going to Hawaii. I thought it cost more there??? I know what you mean about just wanting to cry.

[Mindful i Mouse] I Am Lost

Just need to vent. We had some extra time today and we needed some fresh food to get through the rest of the week, so we found a Walmart that allows trucks. I was so relieved, I really wanted to walk around, see something, be in touch with something feminine. I would have loved to have been able to look at clothes or jewelry, something. No go with a man in tow.

He wanted to look at DVD’s. We flipped through the $5 bin and I noticed I was acting like I had to find something….anything. I kept thinking I needed a treat, a movie to watch tonight, something. I didn’t find anything, husband found a few. We continued on to the grocery side. I picked up a full fat cream cheese, we got his coffee and paper towels for the next run. He wanted Knorr rice packets too. Then the mustard for his sausages. My eyes kept catching foods I would like to eat, or at least look at. I don’t know. I was getting progressively more upset and trying not to. I found myself thinking “I am going to eat that when I am alone!â€

Then came the candy aisle. Husband loaded up on his favorites. My hand reached a few times towards some chocolate, then I stopped myself. I really struggled. I told myself, that if I really wanted it, I could have it. But I didn’t really want it. Hard to explain. I know all of this is not about the foods. It’s about wanting something fun, something nice, pleasant. For most of my life, food has been about fun, happiness, fulfillment. Walking in to a grocery store is like planning Saturday night’s entertainment. I watched my husband get excited over candy. I watched his desire for a treat grow and get fulfilled. I had to stop myself from crying. Menopausal? I don’t know. I just know I am about to lose it.

We then went and got the fresh stuff, tomatoes, apples, cucumbers. I saw husband wander over to the bakery and I just about lost it all over again. I knew I could not go over there and see cupcakes. No, this is all too much for me. I literally felt so mad at myself for feeling this way that I grabbed a grapefruit as a treat. Damn it, I was going to have something to call my own! Then, in total defiance, I marched over to the fish counter and bought a packet of surimi. Husband looked at me wondering why I was buying these things, I couldn’t explain it. It was an act of defiance to nobody but myself. This is stupid. I was behaving badly. He has no idea why I am sullen today.

Back at the truck, I put the groceries away and made lunch. I took deep breaths. I did enjoy the surimi, I added a tiny bit of chopped apple and bell pepper and mayo, made a salad of sorts. It all had a fresh taste and I was pleased. That is, until I tested my BG later, it was 168. It was a 22g carb serving and does have corn and wheat starch in the ingredients list. Not a good choice for me. I made the decision too hastily, I could have opted for a can of real crab. My mood drops as I begin to think that there is nothing good coming out of any of this.

I can’t have the grapefruit now, so perhaps I will have half of it tomorrow, I will have to check the carbs before I do. Today, I get to watch husband snack on his big jar of mixed nuts, listen to the rustle of his candy bags tonight and just have to deal with it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am not dealing with this very well. I’ve got to keep my mouth shut, I cannot bear the thought that we have only two more weeks and the separated. He doesn’t seem to mind a bit, no words of missing me, he’s only showing concern about what the food supply will be when I am gone and he has to cook for himself. I told him I felt so stressed about the separation and asked him if he didn’t feel it too? His response: “well, yeah, but the money will sure be niceâ€.

--

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/06/2011 12:09:00 PM

[Guest guest]

Because my daughter is paying me a salary to watch her children while she works. I won’t be paying any rent or food bills, so all of the income will go directly to our savings. This will double our income for the year.

From: Jase4567

Sent: Monday, March 07, 2011 6:09 AM

100-plus

Subject: Re: [Mindful i Mouse] I Am Lost

How will you have more money being separated? I know your going to Hawaii. I thought it cost more there??? I know what you mean about just wanting to cry.

[Mindful i Mouse] I Am Lost

Just need to vent. We had some extra time today and we needed some fresh food to get through the rest of the week, so we found a Walmart that allows trucks. I was so relieved, I really wanted to walk around, see something, be in touch with something feminine. I would have loved to have been able to look at clothes or jewelry, something. No go with a man in tow.

He wanted to look at DVD’s. We flipped through the $5 bin and I noticed I was acting like I had to find something….anything. I kept thinking I needed a treat, a movie to watch tonight, something. I didn’t find anything, husband found a few. We continued on to the grocery side. I picked up a full fat cream cheese, we got his coffee and paper towels for the next run. He wanted Knorr rice packets too. Then the mustard for his sausages. My eyes kept catching foods I would like to eat, or at least look at. I don’t know. I was getting progressively more upset and trying not to. I found myself thinking “I am going to eat that when I am alone!â€

Then came the candy aisle. Husband loaded up on his favorites. My hand reached a few times towards some chocolate, then I stopped myself. I really struggled. I told myself, that if I really wanted it, I could have it. But I didn’t really want it. Hard to explain. I know all of this is not about the foods. It’s about wanting something fun, something nice, pleasant. For most of my life, food has been about fun, happiness, fulfillment. Walking in to a grocery store is like planning Saturday night’s entertainment. I watched my husband get excited over candy. I watched his desire for a treat grow and get fulfilled. I had to stop myself from crying. Menopausal? I don’t know. I just know I am about to lose it.

We then went and got the fresh stuff, tomatoes, apples, cucumbers. I saw husband wander over to the bakery and I just about lost it all over again. I knew I could not go over there and see cupcakes. No, this is all too much for me. I literally felt so mad at myself for feeling this way that I grabbed a grapefruit as a treat. Damn it, I was going to have something to call my own! Then, in total defiance, I marched over to the fish counter and bought a packet of surimi. Husband looked at me wondering why I was buying these things, I couldn’t explain it. It was an act of defiance to nobody but myself. This is stupid. I was behaving badly. He has no idea why I am sullen today.

Back at the truck, I put the groceries away and made lunch. I took deep breaths. I did enjoy the surimi, I added a tiny bit of chopped apple and bell pepper and mayo, made a salad of sorts. It all had a fresh taste and I was pleased. That is, until I tested my BG later, it was 168. It was a 22g carb serving and does have corn and wheat starch in the ingredients list. Not a good choice for me. I made the decision too hastily, I could have opted for a can of real crab. My mood drops as I begin to think that there is nothing good coming out of any of this.

I can’t have the grapefruit now, so perhaps I will have half of it tomorrow, I will have to check the carbs before I do. Today, I get to watch husband snack on his big jar of mixed nuts, listen to the rustle of his candy bags tonight and just have to deal with it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I am not dealing with this very well. I’ve got to keep my mouth shut, I cannot bear the thought that we have only two more weeks and the separated. He doesn’t seem to mind a bit, no words of missing me, he’s only showing concern about what the food supply will be when I am gone and he has to cook for himself. I told him I felt so stressed about the separation and asked him if he didn’t feel it too? His response: “well, yeah, but the money will sure be niceâ€. --Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/06/2011 12:09:00 PM