[Mindful i Mouse] I’ll Take it From Here

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Yesterday, husband finished his requirements, checking in with his Driver's Manager, Fuel Dept and his physical. It took most of the day, so I sat in the drivers lounge because the truck needs to be available for the maintenance crew. Sometimes I can go stir crazy in the lounge, it is very VERY loud. The TV blares, the truckers talk louder than the TV, staff comes in and yells for a trucker to take a load, guys laugh and tell dirty demeaning jokes about women and well, sometimes by the end of the day my ears are ringing and my head hurts and I hate men. Yesterday, I put my headphones on and tried my best to tune it out. My mood remained good all day in spite of the irritations. I was in a mindful state yesterday, I watched the truckers and my husband as though I was a curious tourist abroad in some strange and foreign land. Some of my observations: Truckers do not want to watch news or sports. Definitely not any educational program. Nope these guys love TNT or USA. They sit transfixed over the worst of films, the dialogue being so bad, the plots non existent, yet they roared with laughter or were totally glued to the TV screen lapping up the sappy story. They ate the take away deliveries with gusto, many who would buy 2 and 3 huge sandwiches, double order of fries and gallon jugs of soda pop. Two guys ordered pizza and bought a large one each and then shared a large box of donuts. All except one gobbled their food down in a frenzy. The one that didn't was the oldest one of the bunch, maybe in his 60's. He paid more attention to the newspaper he was reading, taking a bite now and then of his single sandwich (no fries or soda pop) and sip on his single size coffee. He was the only one who read anything. Several were playing gameboys or talking on their cell phones. Only one other used a laptop. I watched my husband eat his two sandwiches just as fast. He also drinks his soda pop in gulps, finishing a can in seconds. I felt disturbed to notice that he has taken up this habit. I asked him if it didn't hurt his stomach to fill it so quickly, he said nope. When I was young, I was taught to " eat like a lady " . Small bites, slowly, never to appear hungry or greedy. This is so ingrained in me. Yet in the worst of my binge period, I did scarf down the food like a maniac too. When I dieted, I slowed down and ate slowly. It was like being in two different worlds. For me, I think perhaps I was trying to get as much food as possible, as fast as possible before I had a chance to come to terms with what I was doing. I created a suspended moment when I was not accountable for my actions. A fuzzy grey zone that allowed me to stuff my face before I had to admit I was overeating. It's a very quickly learned habit to eat fast and just to learn to block it out while doing it There was a time when my husband and I would turn down the lights over the dining table, put on soft music in the background, light a candle, eat slowly, savour the latest wine find, talk. Now, he's gotten into this fast eating thing, devouring his meal as quick as he can. The whole carnage I watched yesterday made me feel like I was sitting in the midst of a pack of hungry wolves. Funny, in this land of plenty and instant food, everyone appears to fear not getting their fair share. Greediness is rather ugly when observed. (and just as I write this, 1 hour after breakfast, husband has brought back a huge sandwich from the canteen and is devouring it as though he has not eaten in days. What the hell is going on?) Both yesterday and today, I prepared for the long day in the lounge. We had eaten our usual breakfast and delicious brewed coffee in the truck, I packed my usual lunch (salami, cheese and the leftover 1/2 grapefruit) to take to the lounge so that I would not have to deal with the canteen or take away for more than one meal. I offered to make and bring something for my husband but he said no. I brought water and soda pop, but he bought large soda bottle from the vending machines. For dinner we ordered chinese take away. This time, I decided to try something new. I love egg foo yong, but it can be made in so many different ways. This particular restaurant makes the egg patty plain (no bean sprouts or veggies) and they thicken it with a starch. Then generously top it with lots of veggies and the selected meat. The last few times I have ordered it, it had way too much starch added to the egg, and I did not enjoy it. This time, I ordered Cashew Chicken and was very pleased. It was uncoated chicken, celery, mushrooms, carrot, cashews and the sauce was not thickened at all, more like a broth. I saw the fat globules on top of the liquid and as much as I would have like to have slurped it all down, I also knew that the sodium content would probably be too much, I hoped enough fat coated the food. Everything tasted good and I was happy to have a relatively low carb dinner. Husband ordered Sesame Beef, lowmein and rice. I left my rice in the container, and I noticed later in the evening long after we had eaten, he grabbed the container a few times, as though he was going to eat it, but then pushed it back. He did go and get a bag of chips right after dinner and ate that, but it seemed to bother him that the container was there in front of him. Later, when he went to check on the status of the truck, he said he was taking the container back to the truck as if it needed to be put away. I have no idea if he did do that, or went ahead and ate it. Observing this behavior only reminds me of myself and how I use to behave around food. It would have bothered me too, until I ate it. So I understand the behavior. I know it very well. He is still upset about his 9 pound weight gain in the last two or three months, but he is not ready to change anything. He says he wants to enjoy our last week together (so he can have his treats while home)and when he gets back on the truck alone, he says he will work on it. He admits that he has been snacking too much " lately " but it has been going on for a long time now. I try to gentle temper his comments that he needs to cut down on his potatoes or cut something out of his meals, but the reality is that he needs to stop eating the snacks. I have worked out a method for him to put his potatoes and eggs for the day in the crockpot, and written up instructions and timing for using the microwave, but I have no idea how he will fare without me there, I suspect he will cut his eating down too drastically in the beginning and then experience the backlash of hunger and having not learned to deal with hunger, or to make friends with it, he'll eat more take away at the truck stops and well.....I fear he will struggle. I wish I could help him in this, but he does not wish to be hungry, loves his potatoes and candies and nothing will change until he is ready to change it. I sure know how long and hard I have worked on this for myself. It something that has to come from within, the discipline has to be developed. I have so much more yet to learn, but I would not be right here in this place in my heart and mind had I not started and stayed with it. Sometimes, I feel I am looking into the past with my husband’s behaviors and into the future with the changes I have made for myself. He is a mirror of myself. Perhaps someday I can be his mirror to see a change. They still haven't maintenanced the truck yet, so it may or may not be another day of sitting in the lounge. It has to be done by noon for us to be able to snag a load, otherwise we will have to wait until tomorrow to leave, if the truck is done at least sometime today. Eating wise, it is a repeat of yesterday, only this time, I brought water, I want to give up that soda pop. I drank 5 cans of it yesterday and I noticed how it created an acid environment in my stomach that mimicked hunger! I will see how different it is just to drink water. I can refill my bottle during the day while here at the Yard (and close to a restroom), in the truck, water is rationed. But it is a mere few more days before we are home and I can then drink as much water as I would like to. Today’s plan: read some Pdf files I downloaded about mindfulness and drink water instead of soda pop. Oh, and I got a nice hot shower this morning! Yowzers, I feel good! --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/09/2011 07:05:00 AM