[One Small Bowl] Depressed

[Guest guest]

BG 83, weight 242, ketones 40. Yesterday's Meals: 6 am bowl: eggs, bacon, coffee, cream 11am bowl: frankfurters and Dubliner cheese 6pm bowl: roast beef, carrots, onion, beef sauce 8pm dessert (husband's birthday celebration) Chocolate mousse, no added sugar, simply chocolate, whipped cream, coffee and gelatin. On Thursday night, we watched a film where a tear escaped my husband's eye. I was not only shocked, as this is the first time in 8 years I have seen such an event, but I was really touched. He always seems so self assured and non-sentimental. It was a scene of a little boy grieving over his dead brother that got him. I felt the sadness of it, but what usually gets me to tearing up in a film is when someone finally gets the chance to say they love someone, but it is too late. I wonder how much of unexpressed emotion is deep within us that a film allows a drop of fear to surface but real life does not? I had really wanted to make a special birthday dinner yesterday, but it was a total bust. I slow roasted a piece of beef with potatoes and carrots, all of which never softened up, the beef tough, the carrots were hard and the sauce was lousy. Since the dinner the night before was just as hard, I am owing it to the new pan I bought, it doesn't seem to conduct heat very well. Even the dessert, the gelatin made it too stiff and I was so saddened by two nights in a row of bad dinners, and all the work that went into them. I never said a word that it was all to be his birthday dinner. Now, my mother has called, the present I bought him that didn’t arrive in time is now here, but I am not sure how I can go and get it…and attempt another dinner? Today he needs the car to go and get his truck groceries, so I am not sure how I can try for this and honestly, I am not feeling it would be worth the effort. Yesterday, he decided to go out and left around 10am saying he would be back about 1pm. I thought this would be perfect for me to make the dessert so it would be a surprise. He was back in 40 minutes and saw me making the dessert. He said he just didn't want to be out. I know that he has a hard time finding things to do, but sometimes it gets ridiculous. He has been home on this supposedly " I want to see you again before you leave thing " and spending the majority of his time on the computer watching politics and then the news on the TV. He turns the TV on while we eat, something he didn't do years ago. So while we could be enjoying our meals, we get to hear about death, violence and war. It annoys me that my day becomes filled with politics, which he knows I absolutely hate. Because he is hard of hearing, I get the blasting loud version....all damn day. Later in the evening, when we were talking about some Danish houses he was looking at and that there would be a room for my doll making and one for his.......what? He seems to think that somehow when he is retired that he will finally be able to really get involved in projects, things he feels he cannot do now. But I shake my head on that, if you have an interest in something, you find the time to get involved. I told him that yes, working can and does stifle creativity, but thinking that the future will make you more creative is like thinking that on Monday you will start a diet that will bring you to a normal weight without a pause. The future never holds the answer, the answer is here and now. So coupling the failed dinners and finding him more interested in his computer than spending time with me, with yet another difficult separation looming Saturday morning, I am depressed and feeling quite low. So, what really was the point of him cutting his trucking run down to come home early? I got to cook extensively, clean constantly and then watch him so involved in his politics. Even his conversation with me is to tell me about how skewed the world is and how my parents are awful and so I get to feel even worse. It was not me he came home to be with. He is doing what he does, whether on the truck or at home. No difference. Now the real life tears come, but I hear him waking up and I must go start breakfast. --

Posted By One Small Bowl to One Small Bowl at 4/15/2011 05:52:00 AM