[Mindful i Mouse] Binge Prevention Planning

[Guest guest]

Yesterday, it was much easier to manage under 1000 calories. I am not really sure why. I only went up on calories on one item, that was the chicken we had for dinner. The bird was small enough to feed us both a generous serving, so I weighed out 7 ounces of chicken for myself and the rest went to husband. The unplanned extra 2 ounces, I can handle! Ugh for that dang nonfat cream cheese. I will have to eat it. I have nothing else for lunch, although I did get a small bottle of mayonnaise and I have a few tins of sardines. Husband hates the smell of fish, so I try not to eat it too often on the truck. We should have 2 more weeks left on the road, all the food is rationed out. Except for the couple of days we will be at the Yard (company headquarters) where we have to eat take out while the truck is being serviced, I should be able to remain under 1000 for those two weeks. My plan is keep the intake as low as I can while it is much easier on the truck and then when I am home I can rework it to a higher range, but with more fat, not food. I can increase my fresh greens, olive oil and fresh meats and omit the salami, liverwurst and sausages I have on the truck. Since it will be a whole year before I am back on the truck, my plan is to be rigorous with fresh foods and be active! Which brings me to home-time fears that generally start up about this time. The anticipation of being home, of being able to do as I please, have a restroom anytime I want, well you can imagine how that makes me yearn! lol. But it is also the time that we like to let our hair down, have excellent wine for dinner, where I cook with sauces and extra veggies, where we can really enjoy the ambience that we cannot do in a truck. For both of us, it also meant little treats, like a hot Irish whiskey after dinner or brandy. It meant a bit of fine chocolate, a snack we might not otherwise have. It usually meant about 2 meals in a restaurant or at my parents. The calories can skyrocket in a blink of an eye without there being any binge or overeating mode going on. But then there is the extra added explosive thing....when I am alone. Being home with my husband, I can handle my eating with no problem. I am often under the pressure of only having a couple of days to do all the things I want to do, so I haven't much time to think of eating. This will now be my fourth time off the truck where I will home alone for about a month after he must leave. So far, those 3 other alone-home-times have been pretty rocky. In July of last year, I was home waiting to leave for Hawaii. I was stressed a bit, as I was going back to help with the delivery of my granddaughter in a home birth. It was the first time I was alone since we had sold the house, the novelty of being off the truck, the diet sure did falter. I had 9 binge days while home, I really struggled. However, it was my first test in being absolutely honest in keeping track of the calories of the binges, weighing and measuring it all. Mind blowing how fast those junk food calories can add up. I was not even eating as much as I did bingeing in the past. I averaged about 170 of those calories a day in . My weight went from 239 to 241. When I got back from Hawaii, I had to wait for my husband to return. I think these binges were more about the relief of the birth being over, getting through the experience of being in Hawaii (first time I had seen and been in the ocean in many, many years) and just having that alone time again after living in a chaotic household of 7 people, a bulldog and and cat. lol. I averaged 174 of those daily calories in . My weight began and ended at 245, but I did fluctuate up to 249 at one point. Then came the abscessed tooth in November 2010. Wow, I managed to make it to Dec, when I finally had to jump off the truck and take a Greyhound bus home. This stress was mostly about pure pain. I lived on sugar free pudding and brandy after the tooth was pulled! lol. What, 8 binges? Better managed for the most part, but this was also Christmas and while I waited anxiously for my husband to come home, the company messed up and sent him to a location that had no loads coming home, we missed Christmas altogether. I tried to make it through with plenty of good eating days. My weight went from 239 to 243. This was the hardest of all gains to loose, it took me until mid February to lose it. That is something I must stop. This upcoming home-time, I will be alone for about 4 weeks. I can't bear the thought of constantly going through these cycles this late in the process of getting to a normal weight. I can't let the biggest lie I ever told myself over and over again...that I will somehow " get it together " and be done with bingeing in the future. I always think one day of bingeing won't matter, that it will be the last one ever and so, enjoy! When I think of how I ended up with diabetes because I just didn't want to believe that food could damage a body. Nor did I want to believe that obesity was anything more than excess weight, that it could not really damage my body. Besides, I always hoped that I would soon lose the weight and wouldn't ever have to deal with what got be to obesity to begin with. What a state of denial I was in and what a state of naivety I am in now. My mind ponders the ONE binge I might have....just to get it over with. As badly as I want my weight loss, my mind still f*cks with me. There is no getting around it, there is an addictive set of behaviors that comes with bingeing. I want to tear this to shreds. I will write more about it tomorrow. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/25/2011 06:49:00 AM