[One Small Bowl] Week 80 Weight Gain

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I need to adjust last night's dinner, I did not have the cheese on my burger, I had mayo instead and for dessert, strawberries and whipped cream. I also drank about 1/3 gallon of lemon water with tamarind. This morning, I am up in weight, 241.3 from 236 last Saturday. Funny, because for the first time this week, my hands are not puffy or swollen, but I weight more. I could not take a picture, my camera needed recharging. I will take a photo tomorrow and also try on my wedding dress for a reference photo. Week's Recap: 2nd- BG 95, 5 bowls of food, 1 rum 3rd- BG 92, 2 bowls, dinner at my parents, plus a binge, 3 brandies, 1 wine 4th- BG 102, 5 bowls, handful of cookies, 2 rums 5th- BG 113, 6 bowls, 2 rums 6th- BG 104, 4 bowls 7th- BG 110, 3 bowls, 2 LC snacks 8th-BG 101, 3 bowls, 1 LC snack Looking this over, I started the week with over eating and drinking. I did not restrict the number of bowls I ate and I did eat “outside†my bowl a few times. While my little Nambe bowl can only hold about a cup of food, the amount of food I eat soon adds up quickly when I eat more bowls than I need and all the extra’s outside the bowl seem to get lost in the “mindfulness†of bowl eating. The foods I choose are calorie dense, very rich and I need very little of it. This is a reminder to myself. I weighed 229 when I got off the truck 1 month ago, I was still on the truck on the 10th of March. I now weigh 241. This is a serious issue. My first reaction upon seeing this number on the scale was to go immediately back to calorie counting, but as I reason through this, I can also see, without knowing the number of calories, that I was eating and drinking too much. A twelve pound gain in one month! Part of this is the altitude, part is eating and drinking too much, part is stress. I have eaten low carb most of the time, I had a few binges which were not excessive by my previous binge experiences, nor did they last beyond a meal, but that does not mean they weren’t causative to weight gain. I know that I have made huge changes in the way I eat and how I think about it, but it is always like hanging on to a greased pig. I found myself still struggling these last two days with thoughts of bingeing again, even though I was able to over come them AT THE MOMENT. Bingeing is a moment to moment decision! The strictness of calorie counting helped me stay focused on control with my eating. The bowl is a very different direction to go in, where control is ambiguous. Sure, I can count the number of bowls and make arbitrary “right†numbers and “wrong†numbers of bowls to eat, but that information is harder to grasp and decide upon. I can't help but see that there were too many instances within this week where I ate more than I needed and outside the realm of mindfulness. Had I really paid attention to how I felt, I may have eaten differently. I think this is key for me. I may be going through the motions of eating with the bowl, but I found myself letting it become routine with less attention upon it. I ended up losing focus, letting binge thoughts invade and mindfulness was lagging way behind the moment I needed to pay attention to. Stress played a big role in this week's eating. I found myself struggling with whether to eat/drink or not, when to get things done before my husband came home, dealing with my parents and those issues that always serve up a dish of guilt, my resentments and fears began to kick in.....I certainly was on edge most of the week. I also got sick, which is always a sure indication that I am stressed. There is more stress to come as my husband will be home Monday morning, which begins a different way of eating, he will be serving wine for dinner and then when he leaves, I have one day to relax and then I stay with my parents and leave for Hawaii. I am heading into major stressville. I have send my mindful books to Hawaii, including my one bowl, so I have nothing to give me inspiration to relax, so I will have to use my inner resources. So, deep breath. First, I need to mindfully reduce the amount of food I eat. While I am reluctant to dictate with my mind how many bowls I should eat, I know that I need to be far more aware of actual hunger and the moment of actual satisfaction when eating. This will be very difficult to practice in front of my husband and I have yet to tell him of my little bowl method. I feel though, that if I do not get my bowl completely established in my life right now, I will gain more weight. So I need to throw out any thoughts that I should " hide " my bowl method and practice it no matter what anyone thinks...including my parents. I hate being exclusive in front of others, so I have yet to work through these feelings. Still, what is more important, their implied disapproval or my body and mind connection? Today, I will pay full attention to my needs. I will wait until I am hungry to eat, I will eat without distraction, and I will eat only until I am not hungry anymore. BG was 105 this morning. Today's Meals: 6am bowl: 2 scrambled eggs, 1 spoonful of pork & veggie mixture (not hungry, felt full after eating, not pleased with taste or texture of the food) Planned foods: roasted chicken, spinach, strawberries, ground beef, tomatoes, Dubliner cheese, coconut cream (to be adjusted as I eat). Liquids: coffee with half and half (noted that coffee actually tastes better with half and half than with heavy cream) Planned: 1 gallon lemon water with tamarind I just got off the phone with my husband. I told him of my weight gain, of the struggles with wanting to binge and yet I could not bring myself to tell him about the bowl. How funny that is. I told him I was working through it and that I would find my balance again. I mentioned that I could not continue to go through this hometime weight gain, and that I had to accept the reality that I have always had trouble with wanting to suspend reality and eat off plan whenever I thought that I could get away with it. It is time to stop this carousel of playing with my health. The ride isn’t fun anymore. He agreed with me, was very supportive, he talked about his need to lose weight and that he thinks he is doing well, but I have seen the nearly daily debits to our account at the truck stops. He is snacking. We are trying to overlook the obvious problem we both have with food and eating. I feel very aware of it today. Extremely aware. --

Posted By One Small Bowl to One Small Bowl at 4/09/2011 07:56:00 AM