[One Small Bowl] To Binge or Not to Binge, I keep Asking the Question

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Written yesterday: Meals 4/7/11: 6am bowl: 2 scrambled eggs with Dubliner cheese 11am bowl: liver pâté (1/3 bowl) 2pm: salami (out shopping) 4pm walnuts (out shopping) 6pm bowl: pork sausage, tomatoes, cheese 8pm: pork rinds and sour cream Liquids: Coffee with cream 2/3 gallon of lemon water with tamarind I avoided a binge when I stopped at a grocery store. I was too tired to go to Walmart, so I ended up at Super Savers and I admit my mind raced over what goodies I could get. Husband had called and told me he was coming home on the 11th, so it really didn't make sense to get any significant groceries just yet. Once in the grocery store I went through the thoughts of the junk I could buy. I was at my weakest point, being extremely tired and hungry. I had not eaten much while being so active all day. But I overcame it, bought a whole chicken, an onion, a pork chop and they didn't have any heavy cream, so I bought half and half for my coffee. As a consolation prize for avoiding a binge, I bought a bag of pork rinds and sour cream. I hated that I felt nauseated, I was so hungry and that’s the wrong kind of hunger. Earlier, I had bought a single serving pack of salami and a single serve bag of walnuts, both I only ate about half of during the day. I thought I had planned well by eating before I left the apartment and then having the meat and nuts for a mid-ay snack. Not sure why I didn’t finish off the salami and walnuts while I was eating, I guess I was too interested in shopping at the time. So the hunger came back really strong and I felt sick from it. I may still be feeling the " cold " I thought I was getting, I really don't know what is going on. My whole body feels whacked out. I literally could not keep my eyes open by 9pm, so I went to bed. Even before I did, I noticed that I wanted to binge, but wasn't the slightest bit hungry. I also wanted a drink, but I had nothing in the house to bother with, except our good wines and so I just went to bed and told myself I would think about it tomorrow. Written today: BG was 101, I am in ketosis as of last night. I am still not sleeping through the night. Had bad dreams, I woke up every two hours, just feeling stressed, I guess. I really wanted to feel terrific today. I think I will take a walk in the park and do some photography. Maybe fresh air is what I need. Today's Meals 6am bowl: eggs and bacon 3pm: pork rinds and crab dip 6pm bowl: beef patty with tomatoes, lettuce, onion and cheese Liquids: coffee with cream coffee with coconut cream and half and half I did go to the park this morning. We call it the Ducky Park, although I have never known the real name. It is not very far from our apartment. It was really windy and I lasted less than an hour, but it was quite pleasant and a nice change of pace. I use to take my two oldest grandson's here when they were little ones. I headed to a thrift shop, then husband called and wanted me to stop and get his coffee and mustard and some crazy glue for the truck while I was out and about. I have to say, that out of the blue, I once again decided to binge. I spent nearly 2 full hours on this process at the grocery store. I looked at the foods I wanted, I put them in the cart, I put them back, I hunted for something else, over and over again, I just couldn't make up my mind about what it was I wanted to binge on. The longer the thing took, the more I realized how ridiculous I was being. I am tired, I am stressed and I can't even get a thrill out of planning a binge! As I thought about it, I knew deep down that I would regret it, that I would have to wait another 4 or so days to get back into ketosis.....and why do this to my body? I really don't know how I ended up stopping the whole thing, because I was drawn to it, but I couldn't seem to do it. It was a mass of contradictions for me. I came home, had a low carb snack and have a lovely dinner planned. I made a cup of coffee with coconut cream for a pick-me-up and I am headed to the tub for a hot mineral soak before dinner. It's really hard to remember that when stressed, I need to do pleasurable things. --

Posted By One Small Bowl to One Small Bowl at 4/08/2011 04:56:00 PM