[Mindful i Mouse] Up, then Down

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Note: This was written yesterday, as I moved through the day. I finally broke the spell of the mess I was in, only to be pushed right back into it. I slept poorly. I did get back to bed at 3am and slept until 6am. I still felt fuzzy and my insides were still gurgling, but much less than I did at 1am. I had read more of One Bowl and through the first two exercises. I was ready to work it. Exercise 1: Is basically becoming aware of how we eat. Gerrard suggests going to a very busy (noisy) restaurant, or a completely different kind of place with different food, perhaps even switching plates after each person orders to experience being in a very social setting and eating. Afterwards write down the experience, whether you really tasted the food because it was different, whether the environment had any effect on the enjoyment of eating, etc. Gerrard never tells you what to expect or how to handle anything, he merely presents a situation and it is up to the reader to experience their unique perspective. Since I was recently at a noisy restaurant with my husband and parents, I will use that as my first experiment. http://martinimouse.blogspot.com/2011/03/week-76-reports.html This exercise sets the stage for the contrast in solitary eating later. Gerrard then asks for the reader to find a unique personal journal to write in, one that pleases and appeals to the reader. It is to be chosen with care. I will be using my blog for my journal. The next step is to find the personal bowl. This step is one of the most important ones to take, because the bowl will represent many things, become a part of our eating experience. It is not a plate that sits on the table, in fact the bowl must be held in the hand during all eating sessions. It needs to fit comfortably in the hand, be unique, and no one else can use it. He suggests going on a hunt in antique stores, potteries, thrift shops, websites, where ever a unique bowl can be found. It not only needs to be pleasing, but feel right in the hand, give a sense of connection. I like how he mentions that once it pleases our " mind " we should ask our stomachs if it likes the bowl too (there is a reason for that later). This morning I set out my collection of bowls I have bought over the years, (I am always in search of the perfect bowl). By process of elimination, (some were too big, some too heavy, some didn't have the right feel to them, some I did not care for the pattern or design, I ended up with a few and then did the water test. The bowl should not hold less than 1 cup, not more than 1.5 cups of water. I did not include my recent bowl in the selection, because it is a double bowl and Gerrard kept saying “single bowl†and I thought it best to go with that concept. I held each bowl, felt the way it sat in my hand, whether it was pleasing, and ended up eliminating one by one as either too small, too big, too heavy, even too light. I held each one over and over, trying to decide which one grabbed me. None were doing that, I suppose I have had these bowls too long and they did not seem new and exciting. I picked up the beige bowl, the one in the lower right corner just because I needed breakfast! lol. Breakfast: I made coffee in my mini french press, one egg, a pan full of bacon, but chose 3 slices. I sat in my favourite chair, no music, no TV and the lights were low and soft. I smelled the food in the bowl, looked at it, slowly ate the bacon, bite by bite, savouring the taste and texture. My mind soon wandered onto things that I wanted to do for the day and I had to force it back to the meal at hand. Then I ate the egg but noted I do not like my egg cooked in coconut oil. It overpowered the egg completely. I prefer butter. Then I drank my 2 small cups of coffee (or about the amount that would be in a mug) and I loved how soothing the first cup was. The taste was perfection, the cream was rich and soothing. I could feel the heat inside my body, diffusing like a glow within. I liked how that felt. I also noticed that I felt " just right " inside, not hungry, not full. I was pleased. While I still did not feel as well as I wanted to feel (still recovering from the binges), I felt hope was beginning to develop. BG after eating was 111. I have talked to my husband, I have had my breakfast, and now I am off to do some walking at the Antique Market. I had planned on walking in the park but the wind is fierce outside today, and it would not be pleasant. I have a water bottle to take with me, I made a gallon of single herbal tea (without senna) and feel ready to take this day on. The only thing that seemed “off†was that the bowl is so different than the smooth feel of the coffee cup. I suddenly craved to have something as smooth. Later- I did leave the apartment and went for a " shopping " walk which lasted about 4-5 hours. I went to a health food store, but they only carried very expensive cod liver oil ($27 for a bottle!) and flaxseed oils. The rest was canola. No coconut oil. At a thrift shop, I found an old doctor's scale for $2.99. It is very different, the dial went around two times (for 100 pounds each) and then settled on the 42. Cute. I thought, what the heck, it looked quite old but was in excellent condition. I also found two more bowls, a teak wooden salad bowl, and a white porcelain soup bowl by IDG. By the time I got home, I felt so much better, refreshed and energized. The right bowl is going to be hard to choose! I have always wanted to try wood, and this was not only teakwood (more waterproof) but beautifully rounded on the sides and within. But then, the porcelain bowl is sweet and dainty, yet very strong. I will be taking my bowl with me, eating from it at all times, so it would be beneficial for it to be easy to transport, such as being able to be put in my purse. For now, I will try out the wood bowl. Lunch: It was almost 3 pm, so I decided on something light. I made a salad with the left over bacon. It was interrupted by a call from my husband who was not feeling well and needed to talk at this moment because he was heading to bed in order to get up at 2am for a drive and double delivery in PA and NY. I set my salad aside and we talked. He said he was going to put in for a early home time, trying for April 13th, which means he could be home 4 days preceding my leaving. I was ripped to shreds over this. Of course, I would love to see him before I leave, no doubt about that, but it is a lot of work for me, all the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping..all within 4 days of my leaving. I felt the pressure build as he talked about how nice it would be to come home. So I think to myself: Well, yes, my love, it would be, but I just went through 3 days of emotional upheaval getting use to you being gone and now, I get to go through it all again plus have all the work involved. Then of course, I feel terribly selfish and guilty for having the negative thoughts. My first day of feeling good, came crashing down again. Now I am all stressed out all over again. Damn it. Dinner: I heated up yesterday’s chicken curry. I tried to eat slowly and enjoy it, but my mind was just not able to focus. I decided to have some wine, then I munched on a few pork skins while watching a film. I was not the least bit hungry. In fact, my body was feeling just right and I noted that, but within an hour, like a crazed addict in search of anything to relieve the pressure, I hunted until I found a stash of last Christmas Licorice Allsorts and ate half the bag in gnashing anger. Before I realized it, having sugar and wine together soon made for me to feel woozy and so I ate 3 thin wasa with Dubliner cheese on it and drank a diet pepsi. Now it is almost comical at this point as this was the first diet pepsi since I was on the truck and it tasted awful! Yuck. How I was discerning at this point, who knows. About 2 hours after all this eating, I tested at 176 BG, and I am off to bed. I am not happy with the ending like this, when I had felt so good when I returned home from walking. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 3/21/2011 07:34:00 AM