[Mindful i Mouse] I Broke Through the Desire

[Guest guest]

Buddha was so right. Desire is the cause of suffering. I have been commissioned to sew a wardrobe for an incredible little doll, handmade, exquisite in every detail. She is the first made by an outstanding Russian artist and costs over $2000. My heart began to ache for her, she poses like a dream, she curls up in my hand, she is perfection, the most perfect ball jointed doll I have ever beheld. I wanted her, the desire grew as I sewed and knitted each little garment. I had to have her, I went nearly insane trying to come up with the money to the next one this artist would make. I was willing to sell every doll I had to get one. But at best my dolls would only bring in half that amount. I felt so sad, so heartbroken. If you are not interested in dolls, you will think me silly. Substitute whatever your big thrill is for the doll. Imagine that whatever it is that you want so much is the very symbol of perfection, but it also just outside your grasp in cost. Would you go into debt to get it? Would you charge it and pay for it later? Would you save money by working extra overtime? Could you settle for less? Do you give up because it is too hard to get? For the last two nights I woke up at 1 am and tossed and turned in bed, trying to come up with a way to make the money. Suddenly nothing I already had was good enough. I went over the flaws each of my dolls had, that kept them from being perfect. Hmm, is this what a spouse does when finding the imagined perfect lover? Find extra faults of the spouse and magnify them out of proportion? I started to realize what was happening. My desire was getting too strong, it was taking over my reasoning. Eventually, the object of desire loses it’s luster, the faults become known, disappointment causes us to seek the perfection all over again. Obsessions can really get out of hand. The problem with them is they are internal, passion driven and leave one suspended in longing. It's not hard to see it in other areas of my life, especially with my longing to return to a normal weight. All the years I spend longing for it, but not doing anything too difficult to get there. I wonder, did I fear getting there and being disappointed? What if it was not the ultimate that I imagined it to be? I wonder too, if the couple of times in my life I actually accomplished a normal weight if I felt I no longer had an ultimate goal to achieve and was left hanging? Losing weight, especially well over 100 pounds is like wanting that exquisite doll. I want it so bad, I obsess over it. I live and breathe it. I need it. The want grows stronger every day. So why am I not there yet? Why am I suspended at the halfway mark? If I sold all my dolls to try and get enough money together to buy the ultimate doll, what if I fall short and end up with no dolls at all? The more I tossed and turned over the whole situation, the more I realized that I was forgetting Buddha's teachings. Desire causes suffering. All that I ever need in life, I already have. The calm and peace within is disrupted by desire. The more I concentrate on my desires, the more I suffer. My desire to be thinner, my desire to obtain a doll that is not within my reach, these things grow in an unhealthy place within me. Reality check time. In the moment, I have this little doll for 2 more weeks. I have the delight of creating her beautiful wardrobe. I have the chance to take photo's of her, to enjoy her perfection. She is not mine to keep. She has brought me great joy and that was a worthwhile experience all in itself. She brought me a much needed lesson in humbleness. I need to live and be happy within the means we have now. We are totally debt free. We owe no money to anyone. No mortgage, no loans, no credit cards. That is incredibly freeing. Happiness is already within. Let go and enjoy what is available to me right now. As far as my weight loss, goes, I am in a very good place with it. I am eating well, I am finding a peaceful path, I am not bingeing or gaining weight, best of all, I am not struggling with desires to eat what I need not eat. I believe I will show a loss on Saturday, I feel as though there is a change in my body. BG this morning was 75! We stopped at Walmart yesterday, besides the usual fresh foods, we bought a rotisserie chicken, I ate my fill of the dark meat, stopped when I felt satisfied, still have enough left over for lunch today. The signals to stop eating are getting stronger over time. I don’t feel confused about how much is enough. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 1/19/2011 08:37:00 AM