[Mindful i Mouse] Ode to My Love

[Guest guest]

When I got up this morning, I put a Valentines gift on the dashboard for my husband. He was pleased, I think. He teased me about it. I felt a sad yearning, but repressed it. I had listened to beautiful romantic songs of love last night, but he is just not into that sort of thing. Made me wonder, what his idea of love and romance is? He sits so deeply in his man's world that he doesn't seem to ever be affected by love at all. Oh, when I am gone he says he loves me and misses me, but when I am present, those words never pass his lips. There just isn't any hearts and flowers, romantic dinners...in fact as I listen to Sinatra sing about love, I could say that I seriously doubt my husband ever felt that way about me. This upcoming transatlantic cruise we are going to do, makes me shiver with thoughts of a romantic time of it. I should be at my goal weight, I should be able to wear a pretty dress and heels. I think of all the meaning behind us both reaching for this goal we so carefully planned, only to suspect that the reality will be far different than I imagine it. It will be as we always travel, the excitement in the things we can see and do, and not because there is a romance to it. This affects how I feel about myself and my confidence simply dwindles. I am so in love with my husband, and although I know we will continue on together, I often want to reach out and feel the passion in a relationship, just once more. This whole issue is definitely tangled up in my sense of self, both physically and emotionally. In 7 years of marriage, not one flower. Gifts, oh yes, I cannot complain about that, but romantic gifts are just not up his alley. I wonder, did any of his previous relationships have romance? Did he get hurt at some point and it just didn't seem worth it to him to be that way anymore? What does he perceive when we watch a film that has passionate kisses in it? I've tried watching his face for clues, but nothing is present. He seems to watch battle scenes and passion scenes with equal emotion. Is it buried deep inside? Does he lack confidence in showing it? OR is it just me that uninspired him to love beyond companionship? I will perhaps never know. Trust me, I do know that romance is not all it is cracked up to be, had my fill of dramatically fake love in the past. I do know the difference between a steadfast relationship and a fickle romance. I just wish there was a balance between the two. I ended yesterday at 993 calories. That should balance out the 1300 from the day before. Carbs were 29g with 10g in fiber so a net 19g. I weighed out my salami again this morning, and so I should be right on target today. Not having to deal with chocolate hearts, I guess, helps. I am grateful that I was able to have him by my side today, in 4 more weeks, we will be apart for a very long time. I cannot bear to think of it. I wonder what he thinks about it? --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/14/2011 07:10:00 AM