[Mindful i Mouse] The Whirlpool Dizzies

[Guest guest]

I am not depressed. I don't feel any sadness or lack of energy. But I do feel strangely suspended, like I am waiting for something to happen. I can't even figure out why I feel this way. Is it because I have been treading water for so long on my diet and that leaves me feeling I cannot accomplish any goal? I would have thought that finally breaking 232 was so momentous that I would be on cloud nine for days! I can only think nonproductive thoughts that it will take months to get under 230! Apathy much? It's not like I want to quit my diet, it's not like I want to stay at this current weight and take a break. I actually want to break 230 like nothing else. I don't know why it feels so numbing to be at the halfway mark. I have been on a single minded mission for so long, yet it seems just as far away and elusive as ever. I know I keep on about it, but it is so pervasive in my thinking these days. On top of it, it doesn’t help that I dread leaving my husband, but I am excited to see my daughter again and the grandchildren. I dread leaving all my things, my " home', my clothes, my life behind and I am excited to be a part of my grandchildren’s life for what may be the last time I see them for many years. I am engulfed in an emotional tug of war, so I find myself repressing it and the anxiety then builds up like hot steam. It causes me to try and be calm and inside I am boiling over. So many mixed up feelings that all feel so suspended and haven't got a conclusion to look forward to. Am I just not focused on the prize? You know what? I am afraid of the prize! What on earth is that all about? I am afraid that after all the improvement I do in health, body and mind that I will still not be enough. My rational side rejects this as silly and paranoiac, but my vulnerable side latches on to it like a sinking ship. What if...? What if nothing happens? It's crazy, I know. Yesterday, bored, stuck in a truck stop for a 24 hours shift before a load is delivered, I found myself reaching for the jar of peanut butter, because I thought a tablespoonful would be nice. Nice? " Nice for what? " I suddenly asked myself. Eating for no reason is still an instant reaction for me. The impulse reacts to the trigger and I doubt this combination will ever go completely away. It's so entwined in my hard wiring. When I laid in my bunk hours later, I was playing a game of 3 match that had flower icons. One flower looked exactly like a vanilla cupcake frosting. I could not help eyeing the contours of the whiteness, nor could I stop myself from imagining my favourite flavour upon my tongue. I am not having any cravings, nor am I hungry, but I find myself fantasizing about food lately. It didn't help when I was searching on eBay for Barbie houses, that all the re-ment doll foods were in the search. Loads of cakes and fancy desserts in such realistic detail. I even remarked to my husband that plastic food was making me crazy with desire! I think my mind is messed up with notions of longing, desire, sex and food. They say that chocolate is a lover, and that for many, eating and indulging in food is a replacement for sex. So what happens to sex starved dieters? lol. I suppose this will all soon pass, I am just trying to stay aware of what is going through my mind and how I react to it. I didn't eat the spoonful of peanut butter and I didn't buy any chocolate, my calories for yesterday were at 919, carbs were 27 with 9g in fiber, so a net 18g. BG was 85. No hunger, no feelings of deprivation, just nothing. I even listened to my husband enjoy his Valentines bag of sugar free treats and enjoyed his goofy happiness. I didn't feel any resentment over not having any treats myself, even with all the crazy cupcake frosting fantasies, I realized that I am simply not hungry at all. Is that a form of disappointment....that I am not even fighting it anymore? I wonder if it is because I am not focused on a goal? It use to be all about just staying on the diet, now what it is about? I can do this diet blindfolded. Okay, I'll try to find a new obsession to occupy my dithering mind. There are exactly 9 weeks before I step on that plane to Hawaii. Could I lose 10 pounds in that amount of time? If I could lose 12 pounds, I could be at 219 pounds! Wow. Only I haven't been able to lose that kind of weight since early 2010! Hmmmm. I will be spending a month on home time….can I do this? --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/15/2011 08:37:00 AM

[Guest guest]

There are exactly 9 weeks before I step on that plane to Hawaii. Could I lose 10 pounds in that amount of time? If I could lose 12 pounds, I could be at 219 pounds! Wow. Only I haven't been able to lose that kind of weight since early 2010! Hmmmm. I will be spending a month on home time….can I do this?

I bet you can! Good luck!