[Mindful i Mouse] There It Is!

[Guest guest]

Overheard in a trucker's lounge, while a TV program was reviewing a place called Heart-attack Grill where people are encouraged to eat massive amounts of food: 7000 calories.....hell, that's a weeks worth of food! (oh really? for a 300 pound trucker man?) half a cup of mayonnaise? I am allergic to mayonnaise! (perhaps the eggs? or do you know what is in mayo at all?) Mayonnaise will clog your arteries! (clueless much?) You are what you eat! Hell, you eat crap you feel like crap! (trucker is eating donuts with his coffee while saying this) You'll get cholesterol if you eat that! (sigh...yeah, whatever) Just amused me. But it did make me think how we all have all kinds of crap scraps of information floating around in our heads from dubious sources, of course but we chose to believe them and they stuck. The majority of truckers eat very poorly. I noticed that because this TV focused on excessive eating, they were all morbidly fascinated, but were able to feel that their own consumption was nothing like what was on TV. Justification and ignorance was even greater than the food shown. Now, back to my own little world. Yesterday we were pulled into the Yard (company headquarters) after a delivery in Ft Worth. It ended up being a mistake, as the assignment list we received when we arrived said that Husband had to complete a safety check-in, but he did that in December and they forgot to check it off his last list. But once in the Yard, all other assignments scheduled have to be completed and the truck has to be checked out and given maintenance. So while they have the truck, we sit in the trucker's lounge and suffer the loudness and stupidity. I cringe at the lewd jokes, the loud TV and the even louder booming voices as they all try to get themselves heard and well, I start to stress. It also means we can't cook on the truck until the maintenance is completed. They work 24/7 on trucks and they will oust you right out of bed if it is the middle of the night or you are cooking...so we have to eat in the lounge until the truck has cleared it's servicing. For the last two years, we have been eating from the canteen truck (Mexican foods or burgers) or ordering Chinese or Italian food that can get delivered. I knew I wanted to weigh the first thing this morning and that I was most likely risking fluid retention from the egg foo yong that I planned on eating. I had taken the foods for my regular lunch to the lounge, but my husband decided to eat a burger and fries from the canteen. For dinner, I ordered a small egg foo yong (one patty with veggies and chicken) and threw away the container of rice. I paid attention to the flavours, ate slowly and felt quite full when done, a bit more full than I wanted to feel. I did leave a bite in the box as a symbol of stopping without licking the container clean, which is where I was heading. What astonished me was that 2 hours later, my husband decided on ordering a large pizza. I had noticed earlier when we first got the call to return to the Yard that my husband was edgy. Understandable, when there is no routine schedule to return, it feels like getting called to the principles office. He does have to do a lot while there, classes, different sections to clear, safety, service, see his manager, etc. So the stress builds up and he as a lot on his mind. I think the food is the calmer for him, much as it has been in my own life. So I understand but was surprised because we had just be talking about how we need to stop thinking of food as the only treat, as the only source of happiness and relaxation. He had agreed with me but the stress invoked the desire to eat and soon he regretted it as he got ready for bed and felt painfully full. I felt bad for him, been there so many times myself and I am always a blink of an eye from it even now, as could be seen in both September and in December. At least my experiences in December was not as intense as it was in September, so perhaps small improvements are happening over this long journey to a normal weight. This morning, I grabbed the ketone test strips, the scale and headed to the restroom. There I tested NEGATIVE on ketones (was shocked over that) and stripped down to weigh, which at this moment that I am writing, I do not have my camera card to upload the photo I took, but I believe it said 238 (can’t see well without glasses). I was 232 at the beginning of December so that is a 6 pound gain. At first I felt relief that I was at least in the 230's, but then I got despondent because I have been dragging this weight loss out effort for so damn long. Yet, I do not want to change the direction I am working on, something is clicking and I want to continue to explore it. My BG was 91, an increase over the last few readings, but well in the normal range so that was ok. It was the ketone reading I am not pleased with and will test later today to see if I really did leave ketosis over an egg foo yong dinner. The sauce was thin and not thick with starch, but the egg patty did seem too dense and definitely had a starch filler. That may have done it. I usually test before bed, so I wonder if the morning may just be a different reading? I will soon see. This morning I was making breakfast and was deciding what to have when I realized that I wanted to have cheese. I almost reached for the wasa, then thought, why would I continue that saga when I knew where it led? I just sliced some cheese and while sipping my coffee, I just looked at it. It was muenster cheese. It had the familiar orange stain around the edge and was smooth and had no holes in the body of it. I justified the amount, it looked about right, enough to get me to lunch with some hunger involved. I even marveled a bit that I was going to eat something that wasn’t weighed or measured in any way. I still feel a bit of fear with that. I took a bite. Nothing remarkable, it was just a cheese, one of the many kinds I eat. The second bite was different, I smelled it first and the in my head, tried to explain the flavour as though I had to tell someone who had never tasted it what it was like. That's when something clicked in my thinking. I had never noticed how salty the cheese tasted! I was quite surprised. I am very fond of cheese, I like everything from creamy and mild to sharp and biting. I adore strong cheeses and bursting with flavor, but I perhaps never really TASTE food as an experience all by itself. I mean I will of course notice how something tastes, but perhaps I had not realized that as soon as I discern that it is edible, I just switch off the sense and eat. Being aware of every bite's actual taste made me have the urge to stop sooner than I would have, because my mind justified the amount beforehand. But wait! My eye still eyed the amount of cheese left, and I remembered that same urgent thought about the egg foo yong last night…that my mind wants to justify the amount visually, making it okay to finish it all (why…it’s such a small amount left over!), but it just wasn’t what my mouth wanted. I never paid attention to my mouth sensations in this way. This is a place I have always wanted to go to with eating but have been afraid to. I knew that if I paid attention to that kind of detail that I would have to confront my desire to eat to numb out, to relax, to make choices I was not prepared to make. Selecting foods because of the calories or carbs or portion size to control the whole intake thing seems to be so contrary to the reality that just eating to fulfill the senses and stopping the moment the senses are full, had absolutely nothing to do with the amount sitting in my stomach. I had been focused on the correct amount or type of food by outside forms of control. I had nothing in mind this morning other than taking the time to try it and I found something that clicked. I am excited and relieved, it is very much what I want to develop. Still at the Yard until tomorrow, we had breakfast in the truck, a wonderful hot shower at the lounge building, I will eat my usual lunch and will cook in the truck tonight. Husband is still pulled to the available foods in the canteen and has already bought food there. I wish I could bring my revelations to him, but i don't think he wants to quit using food at this time. At least we do keep the dialog open and we do share ideas about it all. I will never push my ideas on him, everyone has to find their place with it. All I can do is find mine. I think I am finding it..... --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 1/08/2011 09:16:00 AM