[Mindful i Mouse] Peanut Butter

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I didn't make it at 880 calories and not because I was hungry. It's weird how we think we know how much we need to eat before we eat. I was hungry before dinner, as I should be. My mind tires to alter the known dinner that will satisfy my hunger. It tries to tell me I need more than what the plan is. I think peanut butter will do it. But I want to know what makes my mind think it knows more than my stomach does? I eat me dinner, I feel satisfied. I eat the peanut butter and notice it puts me over the edge and I feel full. This fiasco had nothing to do with wanting peanut butter (I am not all that fond of the sticky gooey stuff) and it had even less to do with hunger. It was a perceived notion that I needed more when I actually did not. It made me think about how often I eat this way. I perceive that I " need " to eat this and that to be satisfied. What if I approached a meal without any such thoughts and instead simply ate until I was satisfied? What if it was 11 bites of food and not 12? What if it was 1.57 of a sausage and not a whole one? I use to think, well, just fill this small bowl and that will control the amount eaten, but I have found that sometimes that bowl is not enough and sometimes it is too much. I thought about this last night and mused that it should matter what size my food container is, it should not matter how much food is in front of me, I should be eating exactly the amount of food that it takes to feel satisfied and not full. These are all thoughts for maintenance, I am not there yet. For now, the calorie count remains the control factor, and I am finding that not eating much gives me the chance to step back and look at it all. Anyways, yuck on the peanut butter. I was just not the thing to do. I am doing this " less than 1000 " only as I can do so comfortably, I refuse to feel starved, although I do not mind feeling hungry. So far I like how I feel. Yesterday's meals: I missed taking my BG this morning, we were up at 3 am and just got too busy to remember. IF I can stay on this plan, which all depends on if we decide to eat at a restaurant or stop at Walmart to get some fresh groceries, my estimated average would be: Amazing to me that it is still above the 1100 limit I am aiming for! The first 4 days of the month was still home-time, so that has a bit to do with the higher number. Still, I feel somewhat irked that there was no weight loss last week. My mood is even, but I did not sleep as well last night so I feel the tiredness. Husband has the temp control panel in his bunk so he turned the heat on and I got so hot I woke up every hour for about 15 minutes trying to cool down. Being on the top bunk, the heat rises and cooks me up there. The summer is awful, as the sun heats up the metal and even with the air-conditioning on, I fry like an egg up there if we have to sit. We definitely have the heat wars between us, during the day he runs the air-conditioning even in the coldest weather so he can stay alert with driving, I have to bundle up in coats. Just another one of those things I cannot wait to stabilize, my body comfort. My daughter and I chatted a bit yesterday about my coming in April. She said she wanted to get her body back to a normal weight (although she wasn't that heavy after the baby was born, and she has been nursing so her weight should have gone down normally). But she mentioned we would be so much more active when I come this time, as last time she was of course pregnant and not up to much the last month I was there. She mentioned we'd go hiking and swim every weekend and walk during the week, so I am really looking forward to that. I feel like a marshmallow with this inactive sitting in the truck. My thoughts now are all about that year in Hawaii. I struggle a bit about this idea that I am so determined to achieve my weight loss goal by the time I come back, that it makes me wonder how that will affect my husband, if at all. With the stress of trucking and being alone, I just don't know how he will resist the night snacking, which is the one thing that made him gain weight. He had done so well while we still had a home, always thinner than me, always active and in control. I feel a sense of guilt that I will achieve a goal he also wants, and if we end up swinging in opposite directions with our weight. I was always the heavier one. Now I am the lighter one. It's like a stab wound. When I remember him telling me he was not attracted to me because of my weight, when the weight swings back on to him, I wonder what he thinks? The difference is that I find him attractive no matter what his weight is. I want him to be happy with himself. I think back when a friend of my mother's went on a diet while her husband was in Vietnam, how he walked right past her in the airport, not recognizing her at all. She had a complete makeover done, new hairstyle, wore makeup and heels....I have always wondered about how that affect their marriage. Did it make a difference? Was he pleased or threatened? Did she feel good about it? Was it too shocking? In my mind, when I think of coming back looking quite different than when I left, how will that make my husband feel? Of course my desire is to please him with my efforts to change his perception of me, at least visually. But something deep down in me, in that little cave of insecurity, I doubt it will make a difference. Well the insecurity of it will not make me hesitate to achieve my goal. It will be the perfect time to work it for all it's worth. It will also be the time I work on getting comfortable in my own skin, find my style and my sense of self as I am today, not a duplicate of the past. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/22/2011 05:40:00 AM