[Mindful i Mouse] Sitting Ducks

[Guest guest]

Fighting to remain in a good mood. Trucking is a mindset just like dieting is. We have sat at a truck stop for 24 hours waiting for the next dispatch. We finally get one this morning but the deadline for the meat company to have us loaded isn't until tomorrow night at 9pm. This means 3 whole days of sitting in a tiny space. We have to share the internet wireless, so that means one gets entertainment, one gets to read or sleep. I HATE this and it is one of the things about trucking that can get me irritable in no time. Husband decided we would calm ourselves down by going to breakfast in the restaurant before sitting 2 days at the meat company. I sure hope they have a restroom. If they take all the way until their deadline it means three days of sitting AND night driving to boot. Grrrrr.....anyways, we go to the restaurant to ease into the disappointing news of this sh*tty load assignment. No breakfast buffet here, but I do like the ground beef patty and sunny side up eggs. I ordered it without toast and had them put the hash browns on a separate plate for my husband. At this restaurant you can ask for seconds or thirds, but as much as I would have (in the past) thought that a goo bargain, I suddenly realized that I cannot eat like that anymore. Oh, I am sure I could change that by increasing food over time, in fact that is what bingers do, they continually increase the capacity of the stomach by increasing the amount of food. That is what I did and I can look back and see just how much I could eat in a day! I also think that I got so use to feeling that fullness (even when unpleasant) that anything less felt almost frighteningly weird. I was thinking about this as I realized that the ground beef patty and the two eggs were all I could manage to eat even though more was available to me. Because we sat so long last night, I also cooked up a special dinner, I had bought a tube of ground beef for me, my husband had picked steak, so I made him his potatoes and steak with onions and mushrooms, for my self I made 2 patties and he ate 3/4 of the second one. So my dinner was just 1.25 patties and I was so pleased with the wonderful seasoning I had added. I would have loved to have had a salad with it. It made me think that when I am home alone for a month, I think I will have chicken or beef for dinner with a salad and a glass of wine. That may mean a very small salad or less meat, because I noticed on the last home time I was having a hard time getting the salad down as I was getting so full. The total volume of my food intake is getting pretty small! It's amusing to me because of how hard it was at the first part of the diet to reduce the food and now at the midpoint, it's hard to increase it! As we sat in the restaurant we talked a bit about dieting and I could tell that my husband is struggling with it. He understands my frustration with my long term dieting and how long it is taking. He still tells me it is all a lifestyle change and not a diet and that is the right path to take. I understand the concept behind it, but in reality, just how vague is that? What exactly is a lifestyle change? And why can't a calorie counting diet be a part of it? I mean, I KNOW when I have lost the weight I cannot resume eating like I once did; I know I have to continue to stay within a certain range. I know because of my diabetes that my carbs will always remain low. So in my thinking, what I am doing is my lifestyle change, but it is still a diet! lol. He thinks that he can reduce what he eats in the form of treats to lose weight and somehow be able to keep it in control once all his weight is lost. That is very vague. Is it an excuse to continue eating what he does not really wish to give up? When we talk about how life will be once we are back in Denmark, he instantly talks about all the foods he's missed. I talk about the places and traditions I have missed. We are different in those yearnings. I cannot go back and eat those favourite foods anymore. I think the difference between our thinking is that food is far more important to my husband than it is for me. I think my problem with food was always in using it as a substitute for what I was missing in life and I used it as a punishment through bingeing. He simply loves food. I marvel over how my thoughts about dieting and food have really taken a different direction. What I want and like now was not the same as when I started. He did say one thing that stood out in conversation: " you've come a long way " as an encouragement about keeping on course. He said that I must feel better, feel more energy and can do more. I said yes, that was true, that I was very happy for the positive changes. But what I noticed more was the lack of what he said. There was not one reference to my appearance. Not one. There never is. I remember back when I had lost 120 pounds and men were falling all over themselves to ask me to be their woman, how shallow and irritated I was that they always went on and on about how beautiful I was. It is so ironic that the man I have now is faithful, true, doesn't lie, doesn't cheat, is the total opposite of the men I have known before, and yet this one little thing, this one little tiny piece of information that I would so like to know, does he or does he not think of me as at least pleasant to look at? Is there not some kind of law of attraction? I don't feel I need to be beautiful, I don't want a relationship based on looks. I just want to know that I somehow please him. He tells me he loves my cooking, he teases me about all my personality traits, but never ever comments on my looks. So I got bold and asked him if my appearance has changed any. He said, yes, that he could tell I have lost weight, he noticed my wedding ring was looser. Sigh. Thanks, honey. It only referenced himself as right now his ring is too tight to wear. Without getting too dramatic about it, I cannot help but feel that my issues no longer revolve around food, but more in how I feel about myself. I like me. I enjoy dressing up, I enjoy doing pleasing things that make me smile. But the way I am treated by my family and my husband always makes me feel I am somehow not good enough to be of importance to them. They say that weight loss gives a person more self confidence, but so far, it seems to make me feel less confident. Oh well. I need to stay in a positive frame of mind, as the next 48 hours will surely be a test of patience and a fight against claustrophobia. Okay, enough of all that. On to other things. BG this morning was 86. Weigh in the day after tomorrow! So far, my average this week is: --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/17/2011 08:22:00 AM