[Mindful i Mouse] Week 73 Weigh In

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Deep Breath. Avoid reading this if you are sick and tired of my angst. I’ll understand. Yesterday was awful. After sitting two days, we expected to sit all day yesterday too, for a full three days. The loading deadline was 9pm, so they had to load us by that time, which of course meant night driving. We were prepared for the yuck of that whole thing. But we got a call and the load was ready by 10am! Perfect! We could then drive all day and sleep at night. We hooked up the loaded trailer, drove to the nearest scale house and discovered we were 1000 pounds overweight. Serious violation. We take it back to the meat company and they had to either shift the weight (they had put it all to the front) or take some of it off. By now it is noon, so we have lunch and wait. And wait...it was 7pm before they had this small task completed! In the meantime, I could not go to the bathroom. I sat for 9 hours, because the configuration was that both trucks beside us the men were sitting within 6 feet of me and peeing in front of our truck just wasn't appealing to me. Not when they were that close and would watch. No bush, no gully, no nothing. By the time we got back to the scale house I thought I was going to have an accident, but did make it. You can imagine my anger and my growing hatred of living like this. These damn meat packers could care less about trucker needs. Keep them waiting two whole days for a load and then mess it all up and take another 9 hours to fix it! We then had to drive to at least 2 am to stay on schedule for delivery in PA and MA. Ok, by this time, I am calm, I am back in stride, I am breathing regularly. I watched the signs, relishing the moment we are out of TX. We stop for fuel after an hour and husband comes back with 2 subway sandwiches, saying he knows he will get hungry later. We have plenty of food on the truck, this was just an excuse to have a treat. He ate them both within 20 minutes of being back on the road. I had not eaten since dinner, it was 6 hours later and I get to listen to him eat and smell the food. I tried regulating my breathing to stay calm. I can make it through this moment. I was hungry, but not unendurably so, it was more about feeling resentful. A place I must continually work on staying out of. We finally stop at 2 am at a truck stop and while in the store to use the restroom, husband comes back with pork rinds and candy bars. Now it has been 8 hours since I have eaten. I want to sleep, I do not want to sleep with a full belly. So again, I lay there in my bunk and hear his happy crunching away. When I get up in the morning, I know it is weigh in day, so I grab my scale and head to the restroom. I needed to wash my hair so badly, so I did that too, took a couple of body pictures, took my weigh in pictures and head back to the truck. I have no idea of what weight change there could be, as I can't see until I upload the photo's. To try and enliven the day, I make a nice hot breakfast for us of eggs and turkey sausage. I am hopeful to see a loss. There was no loss at all. Potentially even a gain. Of the 4 photo's I took (I always move the scale around and take 4 photo's) my weight was 234, 233,232, 231. No kidding. I couldn't stop myself, the tears welled up in my eyes and I was just so upset. 1200 average calories last week, 1000 average calories this week, there is simply no way I could gain weight. Husband says to take the 231 but I sat there feeling so angry and upset that it would not be truthful. But then how can a gain be truthful? I really struggled with this. If I had only had two identical weights, it would be easier to choose, but putting down that I had gained four pounds when I worked so hard to stay in my calorie goal, well, I was angry enough to call it a draw. I am keeping it at a no loss this week and at 231. My week’s report: I really had to get a hold of myself this morning. It felt like being punched in the face. And yes, I realize how ridiculous it is to get so worked up about something I have no control over, but my world has become very limited and each small thing takes on a bigger importance than it needs to. It is so hard for me to accept that last July I made it to 239 and today, I am merely at 231 (or 234!). I made it back to 232 early December. This is extremely hard for me to deal with. With my recent downtrend of feeling rejection and this seemingly impossible hurdle of losing weight, I just want to curl up under the covers and have a crying jag. Then I want to take a hot bubble bath and sit in my favourite chair and drink French brandy and watch film noir. I can't do that of course. All I can do in a truck is breathe, talk myself into calmness and try and cheer up so that I don't stress my husband out. And the dear man did try to cheer me up. He tickled me, made faces at me through the window. We ended up talking about the whole weight and diet thing, about our future home, about the goals we have. It helped to bring it to a bigger picture, it helped to talk about the upcoming stress of separation. We went over the plan I have of meals while on home time so that I can easily stay on my diet and not have the temptations of going to the grocery store. If the apartments have heated the pool again, I may be able to swim. From about March 12th on, I should be much more active than I can be now. Maybe that will help my weight loss. Here are the body photo's I took: I can see how big my clothes are getting again. I see more shape developing from the horrendous apple shape that I was. I am beginning to feel more normal in appearance. My measurements haven't changed in such a long time, so I have no idea why I " look " thinner. I must still have such a delusional concept of my body. My blood glucose wasn't so hot this morning either. 101. Husband's was 108, even after all his high carb eating yesterday. Sigh. This is about all I can take today of it. He will have to weigh in while at the Yard early next month. I’d lay odds he will show a loss in spite of all the treats. My jealously rages on…. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 2/19/2011 11:17:00 AM