[Mindful i Mouse] Sometimes Its Obvious

[Guest guest]

I wonder what would happen if I stopped trying to outsmart my body? It's hard to be on a quest to lose weight and not keep it constantly on the mind. I keep thinking through things, turning them over, challenging the ideas, rejecting this and that and reviewing something else. I constantly question if I am doing the right thing and I am nervous about tomorrow's first weigh in since I left Colorado. It will be more than my last truck weight of 232 and hopefully lower than 242 that I weighed on hometime. Whatever the difference is, it what I believe will be the actual weight gain for December. My BG seems to be stable in the 80's so I will stop testing daily unless I eat more than usual or change up the foods. Perhaps doing all my tests on Saturdays will be a good indicator of my body's status. I had a close call with the wasa grains yesterday. I became fearful of a repeat. The pull to eat more soon vanished, but the fact that they arose in the first place still bothers me. I actually insisted to myself to have them again this morning for breakfast to see what happened. If I still felt the same way, I would simply toss the rest away. I had two (10g carbs) and two fairly thick slices of muenster cheese. This time I paid attention and let it subject itself in my mind. I first liked the slight sesame seed flavour of the wasa, the crunch and the delightful contrast with the salty creamy cheese. Raised as a Dane on bread and cheese for breakfast, this is an inbred taste and one I find as one of the hardest to let go of. It just is the way I have eaten literally all of my life. Soon the the crunch was not as pleasant. The sharp edges scraped my gums and irritated the area that is healing from the pulled tooth. A thought passed through my head mentioning that I really liked the cheese, why don't I just eat the cheese? Why am I so conditioned to eat bread or cracker with cheese? Then next note was that after the crunch was the pasty and unpleasant texture of dissolving grain in the mouth. Eating fast keeps this from being noticed, but eating slow brings it out. After I ate, I waited for the craving for one more to come, but it didn't. I had two negative thoughts about the wasa, whereas I hung on the first pleasant thought of eating it just yesterday. Was that the difference? was it that I paid more attention in the moment or was it that I ate slow and gave it a full review? I should be doing this with everything I eat. I should be paying attention, discerning taste and texture and deciding if I do like it or it makes no difference. I did notice last night (I was able to use the skillet again), that when I cooked up bell pepper, onion and thinly sliced carrot in olive oil, threw in my sliced up sausages and cooked it just enough to leave the veggies firm and the sausage bloom and wow....every bite was so good. I loved the oil on the food, even scraping up the last drop on the plate. The oil was infused with the dried herbs I has sprinkled on it and the flavours of the veggies and meat. Without going all primal, it really did fill me with a sense that this was just right in every sense. I never " tired " of the taste while eating, but oddly, there wasn't a caving to eat more. Satisfaction kicked in strong and I felt pleasant after eating, not hungry, not full. I use to hate olive oil, now I love it. Eating the wasa was a different experience, without realizing that I really didn't like it, I wanted more. Geez, when I think of all the foods I use to binge on, they were all foods I wouldn't touch otherwise. I've often wondered if I wasn't punishing myself in an abusive way when I binged. Eat until it hurts? Eat until I can't stand it anymore? Eat past the awful taste, the cloying sweetness, the intense saltiness? And the conventional way is to avoid fat? How can a spoonful of olive oil be worst than Little Debbie cakes or Doritos Extreme Nacho chips? It's all so warped. And I fell for it. I think of eating ultra thin wasa because it is low in calories and low in carbs. I should only eat them because they taste good and don't raise my blood glucose. I have been eating them for the wrong reason. My obesity came for eating for the wrong reason. I tried to outsmart my body's needs with contrived diets or abuse it by stuffing with the worst of the worst of food. Enjoying food for the taste just didn’t come into play. Have I been so conditioned to feel guilty about eating at all? Todays Meals B- 2 wasa, sliced muenster cheese, coffee with whole milk powder L- sliced summer sausage with mustard and sliced swiss cheese, diet pepsi T- raw pecans and tea D- 2 chicken sausages, green beans with olive oil --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 1/07/2011 07:17:00 AM