[Mindful i Mouse] Eat Me

[Guest guest]

Lunch today was interesting. I noticed right off the bat that I once again cut too big a chunk of of the summer sausage. About 2 inches worth, which would be about 4 oz to my trained eye. So I cut it in half and decided to eat that first and if I wanted more, I could eat it. Funny that the alarm bell in my head went off, because try as I might to not count anything and to eat more in tune with my body’s needs, I still get spooked at large portions of anything (noticed I could not help but gauge the size). Another weird thing is that I think this, about a piece of sausage, but wouldn’t blink twice if it were a tray of 6 large, super-frosted cupcakes. Nope, the cupcakes would never look “too big†in my minds’ eye. Yet meat, a food I need, I panic over. Disordered thinking. I noticed how nicely the half piece of sausage fit in the bowl with the veggies and I even felt satisfied with the amount while I was eating it. The alarm bell was not ringing, I was happy because my little bowl dictated the amount eaten. But I eyed the second piece lying there on the side as though it were refugee in need of help. It just laid there, but it seemed silly not to eat it, not to give it purpose. There was no sign around it‘s imaginary neck saying EAT M E. There were no instructions, letter of recommendation, nothing to provoke my thoughts about it. I felt compelled to eat it just because it was there. So I cut it up and ate I like a dutiful and industrious little girl. Cube by cube. It wasn’t that I was getting full, it was more that I was feeling saturated. It was rich and I didn't need any more of the TASTE of it. I knew I had the option of saving it for later, but I saved it in my stomach instead. This was part of game, the old tapes playing in my head with their well worn tunes " don't waste food " or a jazz version of " clean your plate " or perhaps even the old rendition of " it's there, eat it " . Not counting my calories, not weighing my food is harder than I want to admit. I have grumbled time and time again that I wanted to stop counting, then felt the icy cold fear gripping me that not counting would mean weight regained - en masse. With taking too large a portion of food at lunchtime, my mind wants to convince me that I am failing my diet because I am eating too much. This is an important thing for me to deal with here and now. I did not eat 6 super-frosted cupcakes, I ate meat, a protein food, which is what I need on a ketogenic diet. My BG is not going to shoot up, I am not going to gain weight, I am not heading towards a huge weight gain, nor even a binge. What I had to deal with is the reaction, the momentary panic, the thought process that came with the amount I cut off. You can see why I need to be taking this approach, to help erase these kinds of thought tapes. --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 1/04/2011 11:43:00 AM