[Mindful i Mouse] Trigger Time

[Guest guest]

Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. I got a hug and I gave him a kiss outside the truck-stop restroom. Wish we could go out to dinner or something, but my husband is not interested in the restaurants at the truck stops and would rather eat what I cook. Sigh. No flowers, no little trinkets that sparkle, that's not his style. He reminded me of what a ruined man he has become, before he met me, he was rich and smart , now he is poor and getting old. All said with joking and that is his way of showing affection. I teased him back, but deep down, I wished for more romance. We walked by a huge box of Valentines chocolate and he said they made those things to prey on the guilt of men. Double sigh. Yet, when I think of all we have been through in these 7 years, I am amazed at how well we worked it, made it better at each turn and stuck steadfast with each other, providing the security and sense of being loved that I never experienced before in a relationship, I am humbled. I'd never give up what we do have. I am so very happy we met and got married. I love him more than he will ever know. I roasted some carrots for dinner last night. I loved how they tasted. Each bite of plain, unsalted roasted carrot was magnificent. I thought how strange that I could discern such an incredible taste from a food I have always put in the " diet' category. How strange that the more pay attention, how much I need to taste food as I eat it. That need is growing. I did have a trigger happen yesterday. It came unexpectedly. We were talking about the new Danish film we ordered and will be there when we get home. We are really looking forward to seeing it. In our glee, I said we could open the second bottle of wine (meaning one more after the one we would drink at dinner) and perhaps serving some of the gruyere cheese we both love to go with the movie night. Then husband said, " remember we are not going to have treats this time on home-time! " . I was taken aback. I sat quietly for a moment, feeling like my hand had been slapped for having reached into the cookie jar. He proceeds with " no more pork rinds, no more booze " . I wanted to pipe in that as I am eating low carb, I can indeed eat cheese and pork rinds, but I kept my mouth shut. I was feeling defiance rise in me. I was feeling restricted. I ventured to say " so that's it, absolutely no snacks or treats between meals? " He instantly backed down, and said he was going to just stick to his licorice and the leftover Danish cookies from Christmas and admitted he knew himself well enough to know he would have at least a few goodies. Then he qualified it with a statement of " within reason " . I did not know what to think. A bit more wine and a hard, rich cheese was perfectly within my foods I can eat. They are foods I really like. How was it not okay? Was he just reminding me that I wanted to stay on course, even through home-time? Was he thinking he was being supportive? And most of all, how is it that the rules we try to eat by, don't apply to him? Last night, after dinner, he wanted to watch football. He left to use the restroom which I knew really meant he wanted to get some snacks to have with the game. He did come back empty handed and instead made himself some cheese on bread sandwiches. What the difference was to him, to eat the cheese and bread (he does believe that it is healthier and less calories) than something else, is a mystery to me. He bases his decision on what he thinks is acceptable calorie-wise, which since he does not counting calories in what he eats all day, I am not sure how he figures something is " too high in calories " . As a pre-diabetic, the pork rinds are a better choice than the bread. The calories would be about the same. But I still felt stifled. I had been reminded that I did not need cheese and wine when we watched a film at home, but he can indeed, have a snack after dinner. I tried to think through it, to understand why it bothered me, but all I can come up with is that I feel such a need of us being on equal terms. It took away a sense of sharing the same experience. I did nothing about it. I just checked in with myself and felt the discord and let it go. I am on a mission to return to a normal weight. What my husband said was a truth I did not want to hear. If I want to return to that weight, my focus needs to be on what I need to do to get there. Yes, I did tell him earlier this week that I wanted to disconnect the home-time with treats. The real treat is that I can swim every day in a heated indoor pool that is a mere 20 steps from our door. It isn't the wine and cheese. This is a treat! This is happiness! --

Posted By i Mouse to Mindful i Mouse at 1/16/2011 09:01:00 AM