[The Little Bowl] A Shift?

[Guest guest]

I come here just about every day with a thought or idea wanting somehow and someway to figure this whole thing about eating, out. I guess it is my place to regroup each morning and put a finger on the issues surrounding my diet. Sometimes I feel like dieting is about exciting as scrubbing floors. 4oo plus days into this whole arena and I feel as though I have nothing much to say about it. Shouldn’t all this be profound somehow? I get excited by small things, like what my plate or bowl looks like, or that the scale shows a smaller number, but all in all, this long term dieting hasn’t the drama that falling off and getting on the wagon use to. It’s a daily, monotonous grind. Most of the time, I have little thought about it, other than a nagging persistent, “will this ever end?†at the back of my mind. Have I learned anything? I get annoyed when I see someone say they lost a pound that they will NEVER gain again. Call me jaded, I have said that so many times in my life and obviously I lied each and every time. Will this time be different? Just yesterday my husband and I watched a 400 pound trucker hobble past our truck and I said “I never want to weigh over 300 pounds ever againâ€. It just came out of my mouth as though someone else said it, I had not given it a thought. So I pondered about it all day. I have a mixed history of yo-yo dieting and long periods of maintenance. I have had a very set healthy traditional eating discipline with a binge factor blended in. I never indulged in fast food, had trouble at feasts or parties, it was the all-alone secretive eating that ballooned me up to 300 plus pounds. I am not alone anymore. I haven’t the work world stresses. I haven’t the huge fear of the future strangling me. Does this mean I have lost the knack to binge? I know a struggled a few times in September, as the rush of emotions came tumbling out after my trip to Hawaii and watching my granddaughters birth. But it passed and I regained control and continued on. I still note the big difference between how I move away from food and thinking about it and how my husband thinks about it all the time. He loves food. I thought I did, but a quirky thought came to me. I really don’t have a thing for food! Seriously! I would prefer not to have anything to do with it if I could. He speaks in living colour about food as though it is something to hold and caress. You should hear him describe the delicacies he will get when we get back to Denmark. I wish he described me like he does food! (Now that I think of it, he HAS been calling me his little peach lately…hmmmm). Anyways, this is all leading up to my experimenting with mindful eating. I have been mindful, savouring the flavors, eating slowly, observing the moment. I was like having sex that couldn’t quite get there. Sorry, but that is what it is like these days with food. I want food and my diet to have an impact, a significance, something….but is it dwindling away and becoming a chore as boring as scrubbing floors. My question then, is, what has happened to my life long obsession to food and eating? Where's the passion I once had, the angst, the drama? What a weird thing to be happening. Oh well, perhaps it will pass. In the meantime. Here are pictures of my meals as they are everyday on the truck on this particular run. It amounts to about 990 calories and 25 carbs: 3T golden flaxseed meal, 2T peanut butter, coffee with whole milk powder. 2 oz. of dry Italian salame, 2 slices of cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery and green pepper, water. Tea and 11 pecan halves at teatime. I missed taking a picture of the pecans, but I wanted to say that I love this holiday tea very much! 2 chicken sausages for dinner. I do not like to have much in my stomach when I go to bed, and I lay on the bunk right after dinner, so this works for me. Sometimes I add a spoonful of veggies if I cook something up for my husband. It all tastes good and is satisfying. I have no feelings of being full and do feel a sort of body emptiness that I find so right. On such a small amount of food, it is like my body hums. I really like the shift in my thinking, more about physical feelings within my body rather than the head games about food and eating. I wonder if this is the shift that never happened in all the prior weight loss efforts before? Or is it just ketosis talking? --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 11/22/2010 02:24:00 AM