[The Little Bowl] sneaking thoughts

[Guest guest]

I weighed yesterday morning because I am not sure if I can get another weigh in before I go home on Saturday. It was the same as last week, 232 lbs. I am pleased, because this means it is a stable weight. However, I looked at the calendar and I won’t be getting back on the truck until 3 weeks later, so I won’t know my weight most of the month. Hmmm…important? I am a little nervous about that. Another issue is one that I am loath to admit. My obesity came from bingeing and that bingeing was secluded in sneak eating. I hid my eating from others, although I could not hide the results. lol. Without getting into the phycology of it all, it was mostly a way to alternately comfort and nurture myself and to punish myself for being unacceptable and unlovable. I’ve known that a very long time, even when I felt powerless to do anything about it. I’m the one that use to go into the break room at work and if no one was around, stuff my pocket with as much candy or donuts or whatever was left on the counter into my pockets and hide in the restroom and gobbled it all down. I pretended TO MYSELF that I wasn’t the one who ate it. I was the one who would fill my supermarket cart with a whole birthday cake, bags of chips, a frozen pizza and pretend IN MY HEAD that I was buying this for a friends birthday party. These little lies (THAT NO ONE ELSE HEARD) were my ways of hiding the unsavory behaviour. So ingrained is that old sneak eating reaction that even when I stopped the behaviour, it comes back like it never left. At least the same old thoughts, I don’t act them out anymore. I see my sneak eating habit as a part of my psyche, how I think and it isn’t ever going to go away. How do I know? Even though I have come far in my overall diet changes, even though I know and understand what it takes to lose weight, to be obese and everything in-between, I still have my moments of utter insane head chatter. Yesterday, as I was discussing with my husband about going home early because of my tooth ache, my thoughts immediately went into the idea that I will be ALONE and UNOBSERVED and could eat something FOR JUST DAY and get away with it. That’s the lure of sneak eating…getting away with it! I could eat THAT and no one would know. I was annoyed that the thought came to me. Didn’t I just have all that trouble in September? Didn’t I then struggle with getting off the weight I gained? Didn’t I lament about how long this was all taking? So why would my thought instantly switch to…what can I have when no one can see me eating? This is how I know this will never truly go away. Like an annoying co-worker or relative, this is a reoccurring irritant. In the Zen of Eating, a book I am currently reading, one of the lessons is that I cannot change the situation, but I can change how I react to it. Taking it a step further, I can change my mindset, or way of thinking about it altogether. I can look at it for it’s reality. This is how I tend to think and I can look at it and smile. I don’t have to get upset and think I am doomed forever in thinking about sneak eating! I can smile and realize I tend to think of opportunities to eat when no one is looking and laugh at myself for the silliness of it. My husband doesn’t care who sees him eating. He will cheat on his diet without trying to conceal it. That amazes me. I often feel awe over it. If he wants to eat…he does. It is as simple as that. Me, I feel I need a reason to eat, even if I manufacture one out of my head. “I am eating because I am hungryâ€. That one is okay. “I am eating because I no one else will see it†is okay. Yep…I said OKAY. It’s me. The reality is that when I am home alone, no one sees that I am eating well. Eating well or eating poorly, if no one sees it, does it count? Of course it does, it matters to me. No one needs to approve of what I eat or chastise me for it, So giving sneak eating any consideration seems ridiculous. My toothache is changing from sharp pain to a throbbing pain. It is more tolerable right now, but I cannot bite down. I can’t eat where I have to bite down. I am so glad that I made the pumpkin custard. I have been racking my brain with what to bring on the bus home to eat, I think that I will just have to eat peanut butter. it's a 14 hour bus ride, but is through the night so maybe I won’t need much. --

Posted By i Mouse to The Little Bowl at 12/03/2010 08:28:00 AM