[The Little Bowl] Back Online and My 3 Week Hometime

[Guest guest]

It has really been a quite the hometime. I have written blog entries during the time I have been home, but I have decided not to post them, as they will sound quite whiney and full of angst. I left the truck on December 4th, getting on a greyhound bus in Mesquite, TX. That trip back to Colorado was not something I ever want to do again. When I checked in, I had to leave, as the station was too small to keep open while the clerk was at lunch! So I had to carry my suitcase and walk….as there were no seats outside the station. I was in a lot of pain from the abscessed tooth, so I searched for a bar, I wanted to have a shot of anything, a place to sit down…but found none. I walked 40 minutes one way and 40 minutes back, by then the station was open again. The bus never arrived, instead, an hour later, they sent a taxi and four of us stranded passengers were taken to the Greyhound station in Dallas for the connecting bus. There, it was pure chaos and had the one passenger I was with not barged through a door and we found the bus right before it was to leave, I would have missed the bus and been stranded yet again. It was an all night drive, and about 3 am they stopped and some of us got off to use the restroom or get something to eat. It was to be a hour’s layover. I came back to the bus in a few minutes, but it was GONE! All my things, were on the bus, as I asked my fellow traveler to watch everything….I was so upset. It turns out that they “service the bus†and it returned when ready to leave, and lucky for me everything was there. I arrived near noon that morning and took a taxi to where I store our car and went for groceries and home. I was pretty miserable, both in stress and in tooth pain. Here is where I started to stumble. The grocery store, when very hungry, the relief of being home, the long battle with tooth pain…all these things contributed to my struggles with food choices. I knew all too well how hard September had been and the consequences, so I had a bit more control than I did then. But not enough. I waivered, I ate foods I should not have, but with all things considered, I also refused a lot of foods I wanted to eat. Not once did I buy bakery goods, nor ice cream. I did eat chocolate, did drink brandy, I did make many efforts to eat low carb. I noticed that I had the huge bloat immediately from the altitude, I noticed that I was beginning to feel awful from breaking ketosis and with the awful experience of having a tooth pulled (had to be drilled and cracked into pieces to be removed) along with pain pills that nauseated the heck out of me….well, my choices began to go to hell. I soon understood the never ending beast’s foothold in my psyche. This is how I react to stress and discomfort. I eat. I play little mind games with the beast and we dance the macabre through the many rounds of the disordered eating and thinking tunes. Well known tunes, melodies that spin on a never ending loop. I ate on plan, I over ate in the evenings. I’s start out fresh the next day, did well, failed the following day. I walked away from treats in the grocery store with total control and inspiration, the next time, I failed to head my own warnings. Promises swarmed in my head that I would get it together, only to find that I wanted a drink and all I could eat more than I wanted to be thin. On top of all this, my husband was supposed to be home on the 21st, but the company sent him to AZ and they had no load to CO from there. Now I faced even more eating crazies, as I realized Christmas was to be all alone. On Christmas Day I went to visit my Grandmother in the nursing home. We all took the usual photo’s, and when I got home, I thought I ought to compare photo’s with the one taken a year ago. It was seeing this photo that knocked some sense in me. I was so taken aback by the difference in one year! I mean, there it is….85 pounds gone and I am happier, smiling, feeling better! This visual really helped me see how far I had come and how it is all within my grasp to continue on the journey. I also came to realize that the binge beast is a part of me, but does not completely control me. I either learn to live with him, or give in to him. I am also aware that daily life fluctuates and that I will have very strong days where I am in control of my eating choices, and unfortunately, days that I am stressed, challenged, in pain. How I continue to learn to manage those days are absolutely vital in my ability to remove the rest of this weight and to keep it off. Since we are so close to the end of the year, I will wait to provide my December reports until then. They won’t be pretty at all, but I stay on the reality side as best I can. Husband made it home, we had our own little Christmas and I am pleased with all the low carb foods I made. I even made a fabulous low carb cheese cake! I have not stepped on the scale even once while home, I will on Jan 1st to have a starting weight, and then finish planning my strategy for 2011 to get to goal. --

Posted By i Mouse to The Little Bowl at 12/28/2010 12:51:00 PM

[Guest guest]

On 12/28/2010 2:51 PM,

i Mouse wrote:

Welcome back!

>It has really been a quite the hometime.  I have written

blog entries during the time I have been home, but I have

decided not to post them, as they will sound quite whiney and

full of angst.

What, and you think all *I* ever post about is good news?

>I left the  truck on December 4th, getting on a greyhound

bus in Mesquite, TX.  That trip back to Colorado was not

something I ever want to do again.

I hate taking a bus ride from one end of our 3-mile long city to

the other. I couldn't even begin to imagine the horrors of a long

trip like that!

>When I checked in, I had to leave, as the station was

too small to keep open while the clerk was at lunch!  So I had

to carry my suitcase and walk….as there were no seats outside

the station.  I was in a lot of pain from the abscessed tooth,

so I searched for a bar, I wanted to have a shot of anything,

a place to sit down…but found none.  I walked 40 minutes one

way and 40 minutes back,

Sounds like the train station in Kissimmee, Florida. I was shocked

that a popular destination place like Kissimmee would have such a

tiny, under-manned station. Of course the Orlando station just one

stop ahead was nice and big, bright and airy - truly reflective of

the vacation atmosphere of the area.

>Here is where I started to stumble.  The grocery store,

when very hungry, the relief of being home, the long battle

with tooth pain…all these things contributed to my struggles

with food choices.

Pain - physical and emotional - does tend to cause people to make

different choices than if they were in good health.

>I soon understood the never ending beast’s foothold in my

psyche.  This is how I react to stress and discomfort.  I eat.

Me, too.

>I play little mind games with the beast and we dance the

macabre through the many rounds of the disordered eating and

thinking tunes.  Well known tunes, melodies that spin on a

never ending loop.  I ate on plan, I over ate in the

evenings.  I’s start out fresh the next day, did well, failed

the following day.

Were you peeping through my windows?

>I walked away from treats in the grocery store with

total control and inspiration, the next time, I failed to head

my own warnings.  Promises swarmed in my head that I would get

it together, only to find that I wanted a drink and all I

could eat more than I wanted to be thin.

Well, no drinking for me - never could handle it even when young -

but put a bag of Reese's peanut butter cups in front of me or

freshly baked butter cookies (made with real butter, not the

artificial stuff during holiday season) and I'm a goner.

>On top of all this, my husband was supposed to be home on

the 21st, but the company sent him to AZ and they had no load

to CO from there.  Now I faced even more eating crazies, as I

realized Christmas was to be all alone.

Oh, NO!

>  It was seeing this photo that knocked some sense in

me.  I was so taken aback by the difference in one year!  I

mean, there it is….85 pounds gone and I am happier, smiling,

feeling better! 

Congrats! I mentioned in another post that I lost only 3 pounds

this past year.

>  How I continue to learn to manage those days are

absolutely vital in my ability to remove the rest of this

weight and to keep it off.

In my 57 years on this planet I *still* haven't found a

food/exercise plan that lets me take weight off and keep it off

without the feeling of extreme deprivation and hunger, while the

low cal diets destroyed my metabolism and led to nutritional

deficiencies that I now have to take mega-doses of supplements

for.

>  Husband made it home, we had our own little Christmas

Better late than never. At least he didn't get hung up in all the

snow on the east coast. Trucks and buses are *still* stranded on

streets today (Sat evening).

>and I am pleased with all the low carb foods I made.  I

even made a fabulous low carb cheese cake!

When I see the doc Monday I have to have a long talk with him

about food plans and ask for a consult or recommendation for a

dietitian that takes my insurance. I can't stay on this vegan plan

any longer but I can't go gung ho eating fats because I now have

this cardiac history, plus we're on a very tight budget. It's

cheaper and easier to eat beans and greens with brown rice than a

meat-based dish. Hopefully we can work something out.

>I have not stepped on the scale even once while

home, I will on Jan 1st to have a starting weight,

I've been on it. It's not pretty.

>and then finish planning my strategy for 2011 to get to goal.

I know what I have to do as far as exercise goes. I just have to

get a whole new food plan developed, learn a whole new way of

eating again. (sigh) At least it'll give me a chance to find new

forums and web sites to gather new recipes.

Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

I think that creating new ways of eating helps keep things interesting and who knows, may help the body change too. We are never too old to learn new tricks! lol.

I am starting out the year with mindful eating within the framework of what I need to do with my diabetes and keeping the carbs as low as possible. I know how to eat, what to eat, but I still feel such a lack of understanding of why I eat. I really need to understand my need for booze too, I really want to come to terms with that, as now it just doesn’t sit well with me anymore. I hate that my body is changing and my tolerance for many things just doesn’t keep up with what my mind thinks it can get away with. lol.

It seems my last area of eating disorder is in relationship to eating alone. Having been a secret eater most of my adult life, I know the trigger for it, but I still fall into the trap of it. I am going to work through it this year, come to terms with that too.

From: Sue in NJ

Sent: Saturday, January 01, 2011 4:11 PM

100-plus

Subject: Re: [The Little Bowl] Back Online and My 3 Week Hometime

I know what I have to do as far as exercise goes. I just have to get a whole new food plan developed, learn a whole new way of eating again. (sigh) At least it'll give me a chance to find new forums and web sites to gather new recipes.Sue in NJ