Re: [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting

[Guest guest]

You seem to have taken your power back. Very proud of you. Give yourself a pat on the back.

N.H.

[Guest guest]

Are you using some special software that calulates everything for you?

I love the way the spreadsheet look.

After seeing your number, I read some on the diet you are working.

I must confess, I don't get it.

That much protein and so little carbs and fiber, I might not poop for days.

Though with all the fat it might slide right out.I am interested to see the list of foods you eat in a day.

What happens after the diet? Do you eat carbs again? How much?

Always interested in how different we are.

in Charlotte, NC

From: elisaannh <elisaannh@...>100-plus Sent: Tue, October 5, 2010 8:32:31 AMSubject: [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting

Sept 30, 2010

This September has by far been the worst month since I started my diet last September and since I have been off the truck July 3. July was filled with the novelty of fixing up the apartment and preparing for Hawaii, August was all Hawaii, the visit with my daughter and her family and the birth of my granddaughter, but September has been flooded with overwhelming emotional tidal waves produced by the combination of menopause and midlife crisis and family issues. Whew.

I weighed 239 on July 1. I weighed 245 when I returned home on Sept 2, but as of yesterday, the turmoil of my emotional upheavals have shown up as 252 pounds. I still weighed this on Oct 1, so here is the dreadful photo I can barely stand to see:

I have been bingeing. Only 3 days in Sept were on plan. 8 days were not recorded, as I was trying to practice mindful eating which was not working well. As soon as I stopped “restricting†carbs, I began to eat them. Slowly at first, then increased until bingeing behavior kicked in. I have been struggling to say the least. I am bloated, retaining fluid, drinking too much, eating too much, not sleeping well and spending way too much time crying, yelling and feeling horrible. In between the bouts, I have been amazingly productive, accomplishing many of the projects I set out to do. But all in all, September has been hell.

During the binges, I counted every morsel of food. That’s dedication or a sign of insanity. At least I did not sweep it all under the rug and think I could “start fresh†and makeup for all the crap I ate. I am learning the consequences and the reality of my eating and drinking. I will mention a few discoveries that really are not such a new thing, but more or less confirmed.

Drinking. If I were to point a finger at the biggest problem I have, it is drinking. No, I am not an alcoholic. No, I don’t binge drink, drink to get drunk, nor do I swill the stuff until I am in a stupor. Where the problem lies is the intended use and the resulting issues. I have this quirky idea that having a drink in the evening is equated with the “good lifeâ€. If you are not at least 50 or older you won’t know what I mean. Having a cocktail (much like smoking) had an aura of sophistication and elegance to it throughout the 50’s and 60’s. Elegant cocktail parties, when people still dressed up even to go to friends homes, was the thing to do. I still have these images in my head of the parties my parents threw, the advertisements, the portrayals in the films and magazines of the times. So I tend to seek that era, seek the memories of the good life as it appeared on the surface,

idealistically. Nothing pleases me more than to pour a drink and listen to Vic Damone, Sinatra or London.

So I sit with my brandy glass and my brandy in the evening, sometimes with a cup of coffee in a lovely cup with a saucer and sip into my little delightful indulgent world. Then I think one more drink will perpetuate the illusion and perhaps, just because it feels so nice…one more. Now the tipsiness comes and I thwart it with eating because I do not like to feel tipsy, I just like the relaxed feeling. Now suddenly, between the calories of booze (by now is 500 calories) and the extra food (another 500 or more calories) blows my strict dieting during the day. The next day, I feel awful….part light hangover in the exhaustion and body aches, part food hangover in the gastric upset, fluid retention and nausea.

Then the missing 8 days (which by the way, made me feel nervous, I felt I needed the numbers to feel mindful!)

Click to enlarge reports….but warning, they are shocking.

I have struggled all month with this. Several days of decent dieting, several days of debauchery. The good thing is that I kept detailed records….and I wrote daily in a diary of the most intimate of fears, worries, angers and spent many days crying it all out. After a horrible fight on the phone with my Mother, I realized that what is happening is part biological (menopause) and my need to stop repeating the same old cycles of repressed feelings and bottled up emotions.

Midlife has a way of making us ante up to the realization that we are indeed on a limited time plan. We are going to die and sooner than we can comfortably deal with. Watching our parent’s fear of death only increases our own and it all comes out in unsavory ways. I am not going to go into details at this point, all I want to say is that the unpleasantness of September’s issues has made me realize that I am no longer willing to repress anything, play games, or be under anyone’s thumb. I am going to simply be me and say and do as I please providing I do not intentionally hurt anyone in the process. Repression is a killer and if I am going to die, I will do so with peace of mind that I have said and done the things I need to, to be truthful and honest.

My current body ailments are a direct cause and effect of my state of mind. I use to think that it was my job that was causing my illnesses from the stress and repressions. While true to a point, thinking that being retired would automatically relieve the stress was foolish. I still get stressed. I still get overwhelmed. I still use old familiar ways to cope through drinking and eating. Change is hard, fall backs are easy and here I sit, 10 pounds heavier and about to go back up the scale if I don’t put a halt to it.

To get back on track, I have done, or will do the following as my ongoing goals:

Back to three meals a day, plus a tea time at 3pm. No eating after dinner.

Wine with dinner, hard booze is over with. I can’t handle the calories nor the after effects.

Speak firmly and clearly when pressured into doing what I do not wish to do, especially with my family.

Write in my personal diary daily, letting it be the place I freely speak my mind and gently work out my issues.

Continuing to record my diet and work through my food needs until I return to a normal weight.

Continue to find ways to cope with stresses and be upfront and open about my mood swings, for those are the hardest to control.

October 2, 2010

I have made it through Oct 1 on plan and what a difference 24 hours made.

The scale showed a drop from 252.8 to 248.6! I felt less groggy and stiff in the morning. I took a long walk yesterday just because I felt I needed to stretch out and now I feel like I am getting back on track. Fingers crossed. My husband (whom I have not seen since July 3), will be home at midnight tomorrow, after he delivers the last load in Denver. I will have the internet again and will continue to update this blog on a daily basis. FYI, I did miss having the internet for a month, but did not go through the withdrawals that I thought I would. However, I do wonder if I would have been able to have the online diet support if I could have done better. Who knows. I think I am heading back in the right direction. FYI-2, husband has been losing a lot of weight! He is down about 40 pounds! His daily calories easily match my binge calories…but he loses and I gain. Sigh.

October 3, 2010

The last day of being internet free. Sigh.

My weight has dropped dramatically;

Actual weight is 245.4, my camera weighs a pound.

It was mostly fluid bloat from the carbs/bingeing. I am so relieved to see it go, but the recovery is not yet complete. I am still not feeling my best and I am dearly paying for the bingeing episodes. I looked back on my calendar, and I last weighed 246 on April 19th, I last weighed 245 on May 10th. This means I have lost 5 months to weight fluctuations without losing anything. A conservative estimate of 5 pound loss per month, by now I could have been 25 pounds less. And with the same estimate, it will take another 5 months to lose that same 25 pound which gives a gut wrenching reality check that it will have taken 10 month to lose the weight I could have lost by this date. This really is very upsetting and proves to me that while I tried to justify that “taking a break†from strict dieting was okay, all it really did was allow the binge monster back in the door and kept me locked in a constant

battle of managing my eating.

I have no idea how I will manage when I have reached my goal weight. Some days I am so sure I will be able to maintain my weight and be free of the issues around eating. Other times like now, I feel eating choices will always be a battle. I just talked to my husband who is so excited about coming home late tonight and is already talking about the meals I will prepare, the restaurant he is taking me on Wednesday, and all I can do is sigh. I rarely watch TV, but did so last night and felt so angry about all the up in your face food commercials. What a racket that is.

As much as I really want to be free of the whole food issue, I am also aware that it may never happen. It may be a true addiction and unless I am perpetually managing my eating and drinking, I will slip right back into obesity.

I told my husband I am doing low carb, and although his doctor has tried to get him on low carb, he is not at all interested in it. He loves his potatoes and bread too much. It was amusing that he mentioned giving up his beloved pork rinds and will just stick to wine gums, i laughed because I told him I cannot eat the candy but can eat the pork rinds. Our thinking about theses things often conflict, he prefers being able to eat a whole package of something (candy bag has less calories than the pork rind bag) and I prefer measuring out a portion and working out the calories. He loves food, I am weary of the constant internal nag of it. Who knows how we will get to that elusive normal weight and how we will stay there. He is far more optimistic than I am about it. I think it will take work, he thinks it will just happen with “lifestyle changes†and yet we both know how hard it is to break old habits. I

personally think that term is coined too often and has little meaning if not practiced every day and therefore…worked at.

Today I wait for my husband’s return. I am feeling a bit of anxiety, feeling down that I did not achieve a better weight, something I had wanted to do to surprise him after 3 months of being apart. I do feel the failure cloud over my head.

Oct 5, 2010

My weight this morning is 244. Thank Heavens! I feel better and deliriously happy that my husband is now home and life will get back to the normal routine of trucking. He looks so good! His weight loss is showing and he is moving easier, his attitude is bright and cheerful.

I welcomed him home with a veggie & ground turkey lasagna which actually tasted better than I thought it would. I made a mini one for me without pasta and it was really good. We tried a new wine, a Spanish Vina Alarba 2006 Grenache. It was fabulous! We will definitely get more of that wine for our collection.

I finally have internet again, so after I get caught up on emails and other blogs, I will write more. I am definitely back on track and the weight is moving in the right direction. Bingeing has ceased. --Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 10/05/2010 05:32:00 AM

[Guest guest]

On 10/6/2010 9:01 AM, Himmelman wrote:

>That much protein and so little carbs and fiber, I

might not poop for days. 

>Though with all the fat it might slide right out.

I really have to laugh at this! My food plan specifies no added fat

- no oil, no margarine, even warns against higher fat foods like

avocado and coconut milk. Yesterday I had a piece of garlic bread

that was your typical frozen garlic bread - drenched in oil. I was

in that bathroom 8 times between 7:30pm and 9pm. This morning I'm

looking for my husband's hemorrhoid pillow to use at the computer.

That'll teach me!

Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

On 10/5/2010 8:32 AM, elisaannh wrote:

>Sept 30, 2010

Welcome back! This place was too quiet with you gone.

> but September has been flooded with overwhelming emotional

tidal waves produced by the combination of menopause and midlife

crisis and family issues.  Whew.

Maybe now that you're back in your regular routine things will go

the right way for you again. I know just having my husband home for

one day throws my routine out the window.

>Drinking.  If I were to point a finger at the biggest

problem I have, it is drinking.

At the doc's Monday he noticed how tense and stressed out I was.

This is the first time in over a year I saw just him - no students -

and he spent over a half hour going over *everything* for the first

time in ages. At one point he suggested some wine in the evenings to

help me relax. I told him 1) I don't drink, never really was a

drinker, and with the meds I'm on now alcohol is contraindicated and

2) if I drink *anything*, even water, after 6 pm I'm up every hour

overnight hitting the bathroom, not too relaxing. He laughed and

asked why I'm always so contrary to his suggestions. LOL

 

> I do not like to feel tipsy, I just like the relaxed feeling. 

Another reason I don't drink. One glass of beer used to put me to

sleep when I *did* drink. I haven't had anything alcoholic in about

30 years so now I would probably pass out just opening a can of beer

and smelling it. 

>Midlife has a way of making us ante up to the realization

that we are indeed on a limited time plan.  We are going to die

and sooner than we can comfortably deal with.

Hitting menopause didn't do this to me, but landing in the hospital

last year did. It seemed to hit my husband more than me, but then

again, he's 3 years older and hitting 60 next month.

>My current body ailments are a direct cause and effect of

my state of mind.

My doc has told me many times (As if I needed telling) that my blood

pressure, the achy muscles, the migraines (New this year) are all

stress related. Event he heart thing I had last year is stress

related and one of its names is stress cardiomyopathy. "Relax!" I'm

told. Easier said than done, especially when I'm in that "sandwich"

generation, caring for and worrying about both the older and younger

generations. Things will be a heck of a lot better after 1) my son

finally gets a job, even if it's not in the engineering field and 2)

the aunt with Alzheimer's is either institutionalized (She adamantly

refuses) or dies. She's now 92, but her dad was 95 when he died, and

that was from a fall, not an illness. We know she's going to live a

lot longer than he did.

>I use to think that it was my job that was causing my

illnesses from the stress and repressions.  While true to a

point, thinking that being retired would automatically relieve

the stress

But you're NOT retired. You're working with your husband riding that

truck for weeks at at a time, rarely at home and unable to pursue

your dreams and even work on your hobbies. Heck, most days you don't

even have a chair to sit in that isn't on wheels! Not a relaxing or

stress-free environment in my mind. You won't be retired for real

until you move back to Europe.

>Continue to find ways to cope with stresses and be upfront and

open about my mood swings, for those are the hardest to control.

I found natural progesterone cream to be a lifesaver at that time in

my life. Just a little dab a few times a day and the hot flashes and

mood swings were easier to handle. The late Dr. Lee was a pioneer in

this and many doctors are now suggesting its use, too, instead of

harmful hormone replacement pills:

http://www.johnleemd.com/index.html

One tube would last me months.

 

>The scale showed a drop from 252.8 to 248.6!

You must have really been retaining a lot of water to drop that much

in one day! I see you dropped even more in the days after this.

> FYI-2, husband has been losing a lot of weight!  He is down

about 40 pounds!   His daily calories easily match my binge

calories…but he loses and I gain. Sigh.

Men! My husband might notice he gained a few pounds, cut back one

soda or cookie a day for a week, and lose it all. This guy was

blessed with remarkable metabolism that my son and I both wish we

had.

>The last day of being internet free.  Sigh.

It would drive me crazy being without my connection, especially now

that I've been using the broadband for over a month.

>This means I have lost 5 months to weight

fluctuations without losing anything. 

I know how you feel. In my case it wasn't bingeing but lack of

adequate exercise because of injuries and thyroid going bonkers

again. At least if I was eating my favorite foods again the pain of

regain would have been lessened.

>I have no idea how I will manage when I have

reached my goal weight. 

You just have to continue doing what you did for the rest of your

life or the weight will come right back on. If you ate only 800

calories to lose it you'll have to continue eating only 800 calories

- or less as you get older and your metabolism slows even more - to

keep it off.

>I finally have internet again, so after I get

caught up on emails and other blogs, I will write more.

And I look forward to seeing your writings again.

Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

It is amazing how our bodies are all so different. I am a firm believer that the body is also adaptable to consistent selections of food type. Now for me, if I had had the garlic bread, it would have been the wheat that would have send me to pot sitting for the day. Lol. The longer I am away from wheat and grains, the harsher the effects when I have it again.

However, I do remember back in the 1980's when I was lowfat, that extra fat in the diet could cause gastric upset. Funny how the body reacts to foods re-introduced after a long absence!

   elisaannh

-- Re: [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting

On 10/6/2010 9:01 AM, Himmelman wrote:

>That much protein and so little carbs and fiber, I might not poop for days. >Though with all the fat it might slide right out.I really have to laugh at this! My food plan specifies no added fat - no oil, no margarine, even warns against higher fat foods like avocado and coconut milk. Yesterday I had a piece of garlic bread that was your typical frozen garlic bread - drenched in oil. I was in that bathroom 8 times between 7:30pm and 9pm. This morning I'm looking for my husband's hemorrhoid pillow to use at the computer. That'll teach me!Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

Hi .

Yes, I am using a nutritional software I purchase for I think $30. I downloaded several and like this one the best - NB8 Junior. I think that stands for NutriBase 8. I have consistently used it since December of last year, before that, I used a couple of others on a trial basis. I like knowing the numbers, so I record every bite I eat, even when bingeing. I did have a handful of days I did not count, but that was me being so sure I could eat mindfully, when in fact it was just an excuse to eat more than I needed.

I am doing low carb. I do have trouble when living in the truck with constipation, which I remedy with a daily morning hot cereal of flaxseed meal. I also take a active culture probiotic to help keep my digestive tract..on track. These two things work wonders for my body. My recent postings of fibre have not included this flaxseed, as I have been trying to get the carbs lower and don;t need the help while home, where I can get more fressh veggies and salads. I have always been plagued (since childhood) with digestive problems. Low carb is the way of eating that keeps me feeling my very best, energetic, alive, with no more exhaustion and fatique. It also helps me keep my blood sugars in a normal range. Both my husband and I are in pre-diabetes. I am on the fence with whether low carb is beneficial to weight loss, as I find I can lose weight no matter what I eat if the calories overall are low enough. I eat this way because of how it makes me feel. So, no, when I reach goal, I will not be eating more carbs unless it is in the form of veggies and fruit, but bread, pasta, white potatoes and sugars are not coming back in my regular diet. I have been messing with low carb since 1998, I know how much it helps me. My bouncing off of low carb is due to my fat head thinking, not because I crave carbs. Binge behavior is not about the food. My biggest goal is feeling better, it is a more important goal than weight loss itself. What I eat, how much is based on how I feel. I have learned in the last year of dieting that I truly do feel better on less food and foods that of course agree with my gut. Still learning though.....I have a long way to go.

I eat pretty much the same foods everyday: I like just one cup of French pressed coffee in the morning with cream, I usually have eggs and sausages while home for breakfast, on the truck I have flaxseed meal. For lunch, on the truck, I have Italian salami and cut up cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and a piece of cheese for my afternoon tea. At home, I have whatever meat and veggies I have on hand and my imagination can come up with. Lol. Dinner on the truck is always the same, it is two chicken sausages, green beans or sauerkraut (in winter I do like 1/2 yam now and then). At home, I cook all kinds of wonderful dinners I cannot do on the truck. However, we just got a brand new truck with an APU which will give me more cooking options as I can use regular electric appliances like a microwave, electric skillet....as long as they are low wattage. Still, we cannot carry the perishable foods as much as we would like with our tiny fridge, so I still have those limitations. My hometime dinner menu's this week have been:

Mon- Veggie and ground turkey lasagna (made a separate one for me without the pasta) salad

Tues- Steak, creamed potatoes for husband, I had shrimp and scallops, salad

Wed- out to dinner at a Middle eastern restaurant

Thurs- chicken wings, cucumber slices

Fri- Husband gets my homemade spinach and lamb pizza, I will have shrimp and scallops with spinach

Sat- (our traditional Danish dinner) meat farce (sort of a meatball made with ground pork, turkey and beef, cream, onion and nutmeg) steamed cauliflower head, browned butter, cucumber salad and a parsley sauce for the meatballs. Husband usually has boiled potatoes, but he is opting to try low carb more often.

Sun- Curry made with pork loin, eggplant, peppers, mushrooms, onions and husband will get saffron rice with it, I will eat it as a stew.

Then we are back on the truck on Monday, back to the trucking life.

   elisaannh

-- [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting

[Guest guest]

Thanks, . It always confounds me why I can be so strict about my diet and keep on it no matter what, and in another time, I cannot seem to stop bingeing and get back on my diet. The binge urge, once it takes hold feels so hopeless and overpowering.

And the thing that gets me the most is wondering what it really is that gets me back on track. It feels like it takes superhuman strength sometimes. I am not sure it taking my power back as it is that I felt so sick, so exhausted, so awful that I had to stop. Seeing my weight jump to 252 also shocked me into stopping. How fast those pounds can come back on!

   elisaannh

-- Re: [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting

You seem to have taken your power back. Very proud of you. Give yourself a pat on the back.

N.H.

[Guest guest]

I use www.fitday.com it's free...

My personal journal is here: http://www.fitday.com/fitness/PublicJournals.html?Owner=faithfullylitha

-- [The Little Bowl] My Return to Dieting