[The Little Bowl] Swim Suit Debauchery

[Guest guest]

Aw hell. I have not done well at all since my last entry. The day of my last entry was fine (Jul 22). I stuck to my plan and ended at 1247 calories and 20 carbs. I was feeling great. The next day (Friday) I still felt great, went shopping all day and was on plan. As I reflect back on it, I can see the trigger. At the time, I did not. It started with trying on the two bathing suits I had bought on the last home time, knowing that most likely I would not fit them, but secretly hoping I would. They were both size 18 and even giving for stretchy material, it was a gamble. They did not fit and it put my head in that awful place, feeling fat. Never mind the amazing wonders of fitting all these other clothes that I had not worn in 10-15 years (if ever). That defining moment of not fitting two bathing suits made me think wrong thoughts. I decided that I would go out and find a new bathing suit. The problem is that the one I have now is too big. I am very small busted and when I swim, the whole top part gapes open. It is a very old and worn black suit, and nothing look more dowdy than a drooping black worn looking suit. I wanted colour, I wanted a dress type and I wanted something that fit well over my big belly. I was hoping for a pretty blue and one that did not have huge red or orange flowers on it. I was nervous though, there is nothing so revealing as a bathing suit and all the thoughts that go along with confronting one’s one body size in a dressing-room mirror can be enough to undo the strongest resolve to remain impartial and practical. I went to a discount store and could not find their suits. I was disappointed as the regular stores still wanted $40-80 for a suit in my size. Before I left, I went and looked at a few tops and there, mixed in with the tops was the bathing suit I had dreamed of. Blue, and in the style I wanted and in size 20. Since most of my clothes right now are size 22, this was a good possibility of a fit. On top of it…$20. YAY! I did not try it on, I was so sure it would fit. Such a beauty queen! lol. The amazing thing about this suit which is rare for any bathing suit for the obese, is that the sides under the arms is up high and it fits snug over the top of the chest. I am not ready for sexy bathing suits just yet. lol. I felt secure in the suit and immediately went swimming. Ah…..it felt so good to be in a suit that fits like a dream. But, sigh, will I ever have even a hint of a waist again? Before I had come home, though I had to stop and get some fresh foods for the remaining days before the Hawaii trip. I felt so good about finding the suit that I was easily able to walk through the grocery store, choosing only lettuce, watercress, peppers and a few non-food items. I was slightly tempted to consider something off plan, but the suit was still a great motivator and I resisted. In fact, so please was I when I left the store at my great will power and fortitude that I actually keep telling myself I AM PROUD OF YOU FOR WALKING OUT OF THAT STORE WITHOUT ANY JUNK! I was smiling like the village idiot as I walked to my car. Then, I did something that was about to undo me. I am trying to recall the precise moment of the change-over in my thinking. Bingeing is like that, it’s all resolve one moment and the next the binge is on….but there is always that defining moment when one makes a conscience decision to do it. We may think it is an auto-pilot process, but it is not. There is a decision made. My decision came as I was right in front of my apartment building, moments from being home. I made a left turn instead of a right turn, into the mini shopping center that housed a 7-11, a Korean restaurant, a beauty supply store and a Laundromat. I had thought I had seen a liquor store and I found it tucked away at the back of the center. I walked in and found they had a very limited selection and I bought a bottle of cheap (but overly priced) brandy. Of course, my intentions were pure, I wanted just a drink or two, watch a film and I would be in heaven. A touch of celebration that I have a swim suit, I am on plan, I avoided a binge. When it comes to bingeing on food, I am seeking relief and comfort. When it comes to booze, I am seeking pleasure. Two very different things. I was happy, pleased with the swim suit, I suppose I wanted to celebrate. I was in a way, trying to recreate the old days, when I was younger, thin and ready to go out and dance. It was Friday night, I had that glow of a new outfit, an evening of possibilities. But of course, I am married, I am just going back to my apartment and so the next best thing was to have a little nipper of brandy. A small celebration. (In reality…an excuse to seek pleasure when I know it will undo my diet). Ah. At this point I am still in wondrous control. I went swimming, I had my on plan dinner. I took a lovely hot bath in divine mineral salts. I poured the brandy and sat down to watch a film. It was not a very good brandy. Not at all like the lovely smooth French brandy I adore. That alone was reason not to drink anymore. But I did. And more. About into the 3rd film, I had had 10 ounces of the nasty stuff (639 calories alone). I felt tipsy, but not drunk, I had consumed that amount over a 6 hour period and even had a glass of ice tea at one point. And a bag of popcorn (390 calories). I ended up with 2200 calories for the day, carbs at 43 because of the popcorn. An evening of drinks and popcorn totaling in the calories I would have eaten in a whole day on plan! Saturday morning I woke up with a dastardly hangover. UGH. No headache, just nauseated and extremely fatigued. I felt it more in my body than I did in my head. I had to wait for my husband’s morning call and after I talked to him and had breakfast and coffee, I went back to bed. When I got up I still felt awful and tried to eat. I was now not only totally off schedule, but my eating was really out of whack. I was constantly seeking comfort in food and this led to a whopping 3522 calories and 230 carbs. Gads. Still no junk foods, but that is enough calories to last me a normal three days! In two days I have now garnered enough extra calories for FOUR days of eating! Geez. I have been sitting here all morning thinking through the problem and what plan of action I need to take. This whole month has slid now into a calorie average of 1919 calories and 63 carbs. Definitely enough for me to have a gain in weight. I doubt I can prevent a gain by month end. How sad that I let so many days slip through my hand when this was the very month I thought I could really lose some weight. First, I am so glad that I continued to count everything, even at it’s worst moments. I feel I NEED to stay in the reality check of it all. I remember that even yesterday, I was thinking I was not eating that much, but after entering it, I could plainly see that I was indeed eating too much. I have a tummy ache this morning, all this food is wrecking my digestion. I stayed up way too late again last night, so my sleep is off and I feel tired. The first thing I must do is get back on my normal routine. I woke up in time for my husbands morning call, so no matter how I feel, there will be no afternoon nap today. I am going out to visit my parents anyway, so I am hoping that I will be able to go to bed about 9-10 pm tonight. My menu for these next 3 days is planned out and I will stick to plan and leave the rest of the brandy alone. Other than the tummy ache which will pass, I feel much better today. I will work on staying focused and on plan. I never thought a swimsuit could give me an excuse to act irresponsible with my diet. --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 7/25/2010 08:53:00 AM