[The Little Bowl] Somethings Got to Give

[Guest guest]

Yesterday started and almost ended well. I ate a good breakfast and lunch: B – 1 egg, yellow pepper, green onion, tomato, bok choy scramble with 29g of bacon, coffee and milk powder L- 2 chicken drumsticks, baked Dinner was at my parents. They wanted me to make them a martini before dinner, so I did. We each had one. Roast Beef, red potatoes with peas, beef sauce with mushrooms. 2 glasses of wine. For dessert, Mom made my favourite, Citron Frommage: I calculated the whole dinner, drinks and dessert at 767 calories, 15g fat, 47g carbs, 2g fiber and 32g protein. Had I stopped at this point. I would have been at 1186 calories for the day and back on plan. Slipping this photo in, from my parent’s house because I did expect to catch it! Humming bird. I went home, and sulked. I didn’t have the energy to get involved with sewing, all I wanted to do was watch a movie. I knew I was heading into murky waters again if I poured myself a brandy. I did not need one, but I felt myself slipping back into that “I want to have fun†mode. I felt the defiance of it tugging at me. I poured one and sat down to watch the Misfits. The film has a lot of drinking scenes in it. Sigh. I had another drink and joined in their party. lol. I had some pork rinds to go with my drink….still staying low carb. Now I wanted something to eat and made two small hamburgers. Not low carb anymore. Damn it. Total for yesterday: 2523 calories, 114g fat, 124g carbs, 5g fiber, 131g protein Another morning, and I feel tired and worn out. Thank goodness, no hangover this morning, but I am no longer having those bright and cheerful mornings when I feel so good I could sing on a mountain top with s. I am going into this murky place and as much as I know it is going to cause me a gain for the month of July, I keep wading in the muck. My weight progress chart is all out of whack again, it is showing me lagging behind even though I set it at a modest 6 pounds a month loss. I wonder just how much more time I am willing to waste? Triggers. I promised myself to never let these kinds of modes go by without taking the time to see the trigger points. Feeling unwell. I had a gut ache yesterday morning from the previous day’s binge. It cleared up for a few hours and returned in the afternoon. Feeling unwell = eat something. I didn’t at this point at all, I knew better. Still, in the past that was a trigger point. Parents. This time they did remark about my weight. They asked, I told them how much I have lost, they said they could tell. They didn’t press on it, and I didn’t feel any pressure, but I still felt weird about it. Drinks. Sigh. Yes, I am logical enough realize that this has a definite and serious effect on my ability to control my eating. I don’t have this problem with wine, just the hard stuff….which has way too many calories, let alone the excess I end up eating after drinking. Tiredness. When I am tired and not caring well for myself, I let my guard down. I am causing my own tiredness with the booze and the overeating, keeping the cycle active. And I think it is important to acknowledge something else that has been bothering me, and that is that I simply miss my husband. We have been literally within arm’s reach (living on the truck) of each other for over a year. This separation is beginning to wear on me. Living alone in the apartment has been bringing back the memories of the 47 years I lived alone before meeting him. Sure, I can do it, I have never minded living alone before, but now that my husband is in my life, I find myself wanting his company. I feel like my balance is gone. Well, those triggers are now observed and today I am truly wanting to put a stop on my eating momentum that seems to be taking a full swing. I am about to head into unknown territory with visiting my daughter, I have no idea how my eating will be there, and as I have let July go bonkers, I certainly cannot let August get out of hand. I am thinking of packing my food scale and see what I can do to stay focused and on track with my diet. Tomorrow is weigh in day. I know I will have a gain and I must prepare mentally for it. I need to accept the consequences of my poor choices this past week, and the bouncing I have done on my diet the whole month. My control has slipped to 50% instead of 100%. I see that clearly. --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 7/26/2010 06:56:00 AM