[The Little Bowl] What is a Binge?

[Guest guest]

Thanks to this blog, I thought about what a binge is today. For me, a binge is not something that can be defined specifically, it just something that occurs that we know deep down inside was just not ok. Some of my past binges were planned splurges. I would spend half of my Friday at work making a grocery list and planning the perfect indulgence…whatever I really wanted. I would stop and get an armful of videos and all my “ingredients†and go home and make the weekend one big party. That was my stress relief, my antidote to loneliness and boredom. This type of bingeing was like treating myself to fun and good times. It was about letting go of the week and making myself feel happy with no restrictions. For all the things I had to do that I hated at work, I could now do as pleased. Some of the binges were induced by dieting or repressed emotions. The deprivation and hunger would cause me to give in and surrender to the bliss of stuffing my face. This was a scary kind of bingeing, because I would know no limits or boundaries. I would often eat foods I did not even like. There was always a feeling of urgency and intensity about this kind of binge and secrecy. I never wanted anyone to see me like this and the secrecy was like a double dose of shame. I hated how I felt about myself or my situation and felt so much shame from lack of control. This kind of binge wrecks the most damage on my sense of well being. The last binge type for me was the “I see it†binge. It is eating when not hungry. I find myself just wanting food because it is there in front of my eyes and looking mighty tempting. Snack foods and booze often tempt me by their mere presence and presentation. Walking through a grocery store will sometimes do it….especially seeing bakery goods. This is actually the binge that frustrates me the most. I would not have thought about eating it, had I not seen it. There is also a seamy side to this type of binge. I have noted time and time again that if I resist the temptation, it preys on my mind long afterwards, creating a sort of monster of a craving, causing in the end a major secretive and excessive eating event. I’ve mentioned before that I never had any eating issues as a child, this stuff did not surface until I was a teen and beyond. I have analyzed this stuff a million times. I know where it started and why, I know all the feelings that cause the binge to start and take hold. I know how to diet, how to binge and all the nuances in-between the two. I no longer believe in using the excuse of the past as a reason to continue the woeful eating habits that keeps me obese. I’ve learned that I can be a strong and independent woman but that I am also vulnerable to my sense of self worth and that no amount of logic about it makes me be able to completely overcome those feelings that I am not worth anyone’s time or love. I am not, nor ever have been a social person. I am shy and withdrawn, i dislike talking on the phone, I dislike crowds and social interaction unless it is one on one with a person I like. I am only fine at parties if I can sit back and observe. I’d rather not talk. I am not comfortable being in any spotlight. Which brings me around to the issue of where I am at at this soon to be ending of my first full year of dieting. I have not lost enough weight for there to be any significance to anyone else but me. It has not changed how my family sees me (no one comments about it like they did when I was younger and losing weight) and I have not attracted the male eye, not even my own husbands. I feel fabulous and get a great deal of pleasure in being able to move, in wearing smaller clothes, in feeling more ‘myself’ than i have in years. I finally recognize myself in the mirror. To me, losing this 70 pounds has made me like myself again. But it is like it is a secret journey. I feel like I am still invisible and no one sees me. I am, of course well over 200 pounds and still obese. Because these well-being feelings are so strong, it is sort of a slippery slope with my diet. the desperation is not fueling the desire to be as strict as it was up until July. What I think is happening is that I am NOT in any spotlight and my social comfort level is creating a false sense of wellbeing. I am not bingeing as I have in the past, but I am eating more than I need. I am allowing too many bites of this and that for all of the same reasons I listed above in my past binge behaviors and justifying it because the amounts are not as great as they have been. I am grabbing bites of food when no one is looking. Yes, I dutifully log every one of these secret bites into my software program, but the feelings I have while doing it is what bothers me. I have those old feelings of creating a “party†atmosphere for myself. I want treats and sips of brandy and nibbles of chocolate. I am visually surrounded by endless snacks here at my daughters, the thoughts of eating them remain etched in my brain. This could very well all collapse on me like a huge brick wall. How many millions of diet attempts have i done in the past that went so well only to be discarded in favour of bingeing right back up to morbid obesity? Today, I am grabbing a hold on this issue and turning the inevitable around before it slips beyond my grasp. Yesterday’s meals: B- 2 oz turkey, 4 mushrooms, 1 oz cheddar cheese, 2T cream, 1T butter (skillet meal with cheese sauce) raspberry tea. L- 2 cups romaine lettuce, 2T queso, 2 red franks, 1T italian dressing, 2T sour cream S- 1/2 oz cashews, 1 oz nori kokomaki, 1/2 oz pecans, apricot tea' D- 2 cups romaine, 3 slices bacon, crumbled, 2T reduced fat (yuck) mayonnaise, 3 tomato wedges, 4 oz brandy. 1604 calories, 101g fat, 55g carbs, 5g fiber, 56g protein percentage of goals; calories at 106%, fat at 91%, carbs dismal at 162%, fiber lagging at 46% and protein not good at 59% If you are wondering where I get this information, here is a screen shot: --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 8/20/2010 10:59:00 AM