[The Little Bowl] Who me is

[Guest guest]

My father recently sent me a photo of me with my grandparents at the summerhouse, south of Copenhagen. It is from 1965. It has brought back many memories, flooding my heart with the joys of my childhood. Oh, how I loved that little red hat. I wore it all the time. As I look at the photo, I see everyone already has a open faced sandwich on their plate, it seems my mother was taking the picture (or perhaps a guest). I have nothing on my plate, and next to my grandfather’s beers is a red soda pop that would be for me, but I haven’t received it yet. It has been bugging me why the differences, but after thinking on it, I thought that most likely it was because I had been playing down on the beach or in the woods and was late for lunch or dinner as usual. In those days, eating a meal was a chore I was happy to be done with. I was an only child and sitting with adults bored me to tears. I wanted to be out playing. I can’t tell, am I eager to eat or eager to be done with it and off to play? It’s strange that I am feeling that way again. I am bored with eating, I would rather be doing something else. It’s not that I don’t get hungry, it’s more that with a diet, with food reduction, it all seems so overrated. When the focus is no longer about gorging myself, I seem to lose interest in the whole process. At what point in my life did food become the consuming obsession? Did I ever really like to eat? Did my appetite come because I was hungry or because I was I focused on having it all, whenever I wanted to….a control issue? Meals were regulated in our family, with a grandmother and mother who were fabulous cooks, they ruled the kitchen, it was their domain. I think that when I lived on my own and no one could tell me what and when to eat, when no one reprimanded me for a second helping, I became enamored of the pleasure of NO CONTROLS BUT MY OWN. I didn’t want to grow up and I didn’t really know how to deal with adult life, so eating became a thing I could do to soothe it all away. A drug of choice. It really doesn’t matter to me anymore whether all the whys are ever answered, what matters is that I return to my true self and find peace within. I feel different this time, like each pound is freeing me from a horrible prison cell. When I lost weight before, I just did it without really thinking about it. I want to return to that me, the one who is late for a meal because something else was far more interesting. I feel as though it is coming back, even when I am sitting here hungry as can be. My mind says, ok, put some food in the stomach and lets go play! --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 6/10/2010 05:30:00 PM