[The Little Bowl] The Mouse that Roared

[Guest guest]

After all the cleaning, polishing and whatnot I have been doing for days….I finally called it FINISHED this morning. While that is a grand relief, I had a emotionally draining day. Time to review the triggers. Party time. Parent’s. Booze. Being alone with foods and booze. I gave my mother a birthday luncheon yesterday. I roasted a chicken and cut the breast into slices, served ham slices, salami, and made a curry spread and a horseradish spread for the sandwiches. I added a bowl of tortilla chips and red potato salad as sides, but kept it all light as my parents are not into eating a lot of food at a meal. I made a silly looking lemon bundt cake with blueberries. That cake kept me chuckling all morning. I can really feel my creative cooking skills have diminished after a year of cooking in tiny lunchbox ovens on the truck. I gave her a bottle of wine and a palm tree I named Mr , they are sitting at the end of the table. The party went fine, we had some long talks, reminisced about the past, thought about the future. Afterwards, I sent the rest of the rolls, cake and potato salad home with them. I just didn’t want to be alone with the carby stuff.. I didn’t eat much at the actual lunch (still feeling a bit woozy) but I ended up with a bit too much wine which later, while cleaning up, made me continue to graze on the leftovers, even two rolls and a scoop of potato salad that got left behind. Damn it. I later plugged it all in, my food count had skyrocketed to 2600 calories! OMG. 1200 one day, double the next. This is not good and it spells trouble loud and clear to me. My body is complaining too. While I am not at all hung-over (and should be) my insides are screaming with digestive distress. I feel the tiredness from the wine and I do not like that. Feeling well is a premium as one ages, and I am hitting that marker. I noticed that when I was buying the wine yesterday morning at the liquor store, my automatic response was to grab a bottle of brandy for me. I hesitated and I put the bottle back. I thought to myself…what ARE you doing? I have been thinking that thought a lot lately. You know when your instincts are trying to tell you something? Mine are fighting a battle on the high seas. One moment I am the Captain right on course and feeling strong and confident and the next I am a rogue sailor looking for a fix. Feeling dragged out by my indulgences and should be flung overboard for treachery. I am not kidding about the extremes. It’s very much a night and day deal right now. Why I bother to keep lolling side to side aboard my wayward ship is beyond me. I need balance and steady on thinking. I don’t want to fail my weight loss efforts. I don’t want to eat indulgently. It is like a revolt of some kind, but the only one I am revolting against is me. What exactly IS it I am fighting? I know it is childish and completely insipid to still react to my parents presence, but I do. At my age, it’s really getting old. I can’t help but be bothered by mother’s indifference to my weight loss and hair cut. Those two things she has always insisted, cajoled, bargained, complained and harassed me about most of my life. Seeking approval? Probably. I don’t like to admit it. It’s that old nagging “not good enough " mantra that continues to haunt my weight issues. Total strangers left me such wonderful and encouraging comments on my wedding dress post, but my own family won’t even give me a thumbs up or nod. The last two mornings I have sat out on the balcony with my breakfast and coffee and just enjoyed the slow pace of the sun coming up and the rush of the morning commuters and the quiet thoughts about where I am in this point of my life. This morning, I brought out my companion doll and a stack of doll magazines and looked for a new doll project. I felt somehow that I needed to move into my creative zone and up and out of the weight issue mess. I can only dwell on that for so long before I feel frustrated and just hanging by my inability to truly understand it. I will just continue on, weighing my foods, entering the data and weighing once a week. I doubt I will make my 235 pound goal on the 28th (my flight date) but I will still be far better off than 68 pounds ago. And to think what I could have gained in this past year had I not started my diet! *shudder*. Sometimes I think it’s best not to make such a big deal about it. Journal it, let it go. Today is a nice day and it’s up to me to make it even better. --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 7/15/2010 08:30:00 AM