[The Little Bowl] Still Struggling

[Guest guest]

Yesterday I found another 2 boxes of clothes. I glanced in one and saw a bunch of clothes I thought I had donated over a year ago! I must have packed them by mistake! I nearly sealed up the box but something made me reach in and see what was there. I tried them all on, having to toss half back into the donation pile as they were too big, most fit me perfectly now and 2 pairs of jeans will fit this winter. The other box had work/dress clothes that fit now, but I am retired, so I put them in the donation pile, keeping 1 dress in case I need one. I then took them to a new privately owned thrift shop and gave them something to make money on! Felt good those clothes and shoes would help someone. Plus size clothes are hard to find in thrift shops. I was prepared for the day, I brought my little lunch box with my meal while I continued on shopping. Felt good about taking care of myself. Some of the clothes I have been re-discovering I have not worn in 12 years! It felt really strange to find them fitting now. At my highest weight, I wore 3 outfits, that is all I had that fit. Now, I suddenly have a wardrobe! But as exciting as it is, it messed with my head as I looked into the mirror. I could see some of “me†coming back out of the long term obesity but only for brief moments. For so long I had not recognized my bloated and obese self in the mirror. Now, at times, I see me peeking through. But it doesn’t stay. My insecurity pops in and ruins it. It’s not negative type thoughts, it’s more in the fears range. When we went to my parents for dinner last week, I wore a pretty blue silk blouse I had never worn before (one of those clothes I bought and was to small and got thrown into the closet never to see the light of day again). I did my hair, put on some makeup and thought for sure my Mother would comment. Not a word. No questions about my cutting my hair from tailbone length to shoulder length. These things she had always commented on in the past, and now….nothing. It’s 6 weeks in between when I see her, so she can’t be use to seeing me thinner each time. Not sure why it bothers me. My husband remarked a few times about 3 months ago that he could tell I had lost weight….in my face and hands…but that has been it. No one has said I look better or more healthy…or anything. I have no feedback. I still feel invisible to others. I feel like this weight loss journey is a very private and secretive affair and somehow I am not to rejoice out loud about it.. I suppose that is safer emotionally, but I can’t help but think I am deluding myself that I have actually lost any weight, if it weren’t for the feedback on old clothes fitting me, I am not sure I would believe I have lost 68 pounds. I guess that 68 pounds loss is not noticeable on an obese person. I feel so confused and sad. I still feel really upset about not getting a goodbye kiss. Silly, I know, but that is how I feel. All of these swirling thoughts mess with my sense of self. One moment, I feel great, other moments I feel lost and confused. Am I getting uglier and no one wants to tell me? I told my husband on the phone last night that I felt such a pull towards eating foods not on my diet by being alone (a MAJOR confession for me), but he was so proud of himself for figuring out how to cook his dinners on the truck, that suddenly I felt selfish and listened to his happiness instead. He said he was doing great on his diet. He had gone back to his treats on home-time, but now he was back on his plan. He’s doing just fine without me. Great. That’s what I needed to hear. No talk of missing me. He’s happy and content. So, these thoughts gave me a huge pause all day, setting me on edge and near tears at every turn. I had to grocery shop and I thought that in my mood and insecurities that I would succumb to a big tray of vanilla cupcakes with huge swirls of frosting. I was so tempted this morning, but after I put the items I had on my list in the cart, I avoided the bakery section completely and white knuckled it through check out and on home. This makes 9 days if avoiding bingeing on home-time and I am not sure why I am struggling so, but it is uncomfortable and unnerving. I keep plugging along with my diet, keep hoping that I find whatever it is I am seeking. Dinner tonight and for tomorrow night too:: 199 grams beef, zucchini, onion, pepper, mushroom and garlic flavoured macadamia nuts as a topping. For breakfast, it was plain yogurt and flaxseed meal, for lunch, I had deviled pork loin on lettuce. Still in ketosis, still on plan. --

Posted By elisaannh to The Little Bowl at 7/09/2010 04:15:00 PM