Re: Do I Really Want This?

[Guest guest]

Sapphyre,I hear you. I know how difficult it can be at times. You are grieving and that is okay and understandable. It is so easy to go back to not so healthy habits when we have stress in our lives. I always wonder why it is so hard to build new good habits and so easy to go back to old ones, even when you have been doing good habits for awhile.Right now, I am thinking about the chocolates I bought for my husband for Valentine's Day that I have upstairs in my crafting room. Why can't I be thinking of the carrots or even the granola or yogurt?I was looking at a picture of my family at Christmas. I have 3 sisters (and 5 brothers.) Two of the sisters are like me that struggle with weight. I gave all my clothes to my oldest sister when I lost

weight. When I was looking at the picture, I thought about how close I am to her size again. Of course, I am standing next to my SKINNY BI*#@ sister. I don't want to be unhealthy and have to go back on meds again. I want to exercise and be healthy. I want to fit back into the clothes I wore two years ago. I want to buy a pretty dress for my niece's wedding in May, instead of a TENT dress!You can do it Sapph! You have the heart and determination. Give yourself some time to grieve your loss. Take it one moment at a time. Forgive yourself and move forward. apmleehere@...From: Sapphyre <sapphyreonalosingstreak@...>100Plus List <100-plus >Sent: Sat, January 30, 2010 4:59:37 PMSubject: Do I Really Want This?

So it's running through the back of my mind again to quit. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising, I'm gaining again, and I'm just so tired of it all. What is the harm if I just say it. If I just say I GIVE UP? Well, for starters, that blimp I see in the mirror will get even bigger, until I'm unable to get up to LOOK at myself in the mirror. The nice clothes I so badly want to get for myself will stay in the catalogues and I can forget all about them. As badly as people think of me now they will think even WORSE of me when the scale no longer says 256, but 356. And lastly, my weight may very well go ahead and kill me. I'm still holding on to my grief, yes I am and I will be for a while. But I can't let my grief be the reason for overindulgence. So what am I going to do? HOW am I going to get going again? I was doing so well there for a while and it was getting so easy WHY is it so hard now? I just don't get it!

But I'm starting now. Right now not tomorrow morning getting back on the stick. I guess what it's going to take is really fighting every moment of every day until it's no longer a fight. I'll just MAKE myself do it. I have to I can't quit, I can't give up it's just not in me. Oh I wish this was easier

*~*~*~*"You can deprive the body, but the soul needs chocolate" -Sapphyre*~*~*~*What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud? - The Biggest Loser*~*~*~*"Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine".-Buddha*~*~*~*

"Giving Up Is NOT An Option." - Sapphyre*~*~*~*"Whoever Said 'Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels' Obviously Never Had A Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger ..." - Sapphyre*~*~*~*"Don't Dig Your Grave With Your Own Knife and Fork." - English Proverb*~*~*~*"Don't borrow someone else's spectacles to view yourself with."-Simon Travaglia*~*~*~*"Sometimes These Little Setbacks Are Just What We Need To Take A Giant Step Forward ..." Knight/Real Genius*~*~*~*"If I look down the road and see how far I have to go, I may get discouraged. If I overthink every aspect of what I need to do to succeed I may give up. If

I focus on just today

and make it as perfect as I can, I will succeed." -Sapphyre

[Guest guest]

(( HUGS )) Sapphy. I understand, truly I do... other than the part of recently losing your pet/child...

Things have to get easier, I firmly belive that. Just keep hanging in there.

Do I Really Want This?

So it's running through the back of my mind again to quit. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising, I'm gaining again, and I'm just so tired of it all.

What is the harm if I just say it. If I just say I GIVE UP? Well, for starters, that blimp I see in the mirror will get even bigger, until I'm unable to get up to LOOK at myself in the mirror. The nice clothes I so badly want to get for myself will stay in the catalogues and I can forget all about them. As badly as people think of me now they will think even WORSE of me when the scale no longer says 256, but 356. And lastly, my weight may very well go ahead and kill me.

I'm still holding on to my grief, yes I am and I will be for a while. But I can't let my grief be the reason for overindulgence. So what am I going to do? HOW am I going to get going again? I was doing so well there for a while and it was getting so easy WHY is it so hard now? I just don't get it!

But I'm starting now. Right now not tomorrow morning getting back on the stick. I guess what it's going to take is really fighting every moment of every day until it's no longer a fight. I'll just MAKE myself do it. I have to I can't quit, I can't give up it's just not in me. Oh I wish this was easier

*~*~*~*

"You can deprive the body, but the soul needs chocolate" -Sapphyre

*~*~*~*

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud? - The Biggest Loser

*~*~*~*

"Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine".-Buddha

*~*~*~*

"Giving Up Is NOT An Option." - Sapphyre

*~*~*~*

"Whoever Said 'Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels' Obviously Never Had A Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger ..." - Sapphyre

*~*~*~*

"Don't Dig Your Grave With Your Own Knife and Fork." - English Proverb

*~*~*~*

"Don't borrow someone else's spectacles to view yourself with."-Simon Travaglia

*~*~*~*

"Sometimes These Little Setbacks Are Just What We Need To Take A Giant Step Forward ..." Knight/Real Genius

*~*~*~*

"If I look down the road and see how far I have to go, I may get discouraged. If I overthink every aspect of what I need to do to succeed I may give up. If I focus on just today and make it as perfect as I can, I will succeed." -Sapphyre

[Guest guest]

So it's running through the back of my mind again to quit. I'm not eating right, I'm not exercising, I'm gaining again, and I'm just so tired of it all. But I'm starting now. Right now not tomorrow morning getting back on the stick. I guess what it's going to take is really fighting every moment of every day until it's no longer a fight. I'll just MAKE myself do it. I have to I can't quit, I can't give up it's just not in me. Oh I wish this was easier ~~~~~~~~~~~~~I wrote in my blog today, much of the same thing. It hasn't entered my mind to quit, but instead, I am struggling with family stress and eating/drinking calories that will cause me to gain if I continue down this path. I know that once I am back on the truck, it will be easier, but I am finding that I am angry, angry that I am giving in and not being strong at this time. I need to stop the wrong path NOW, not when it is easier to do so.It not easy. For the first time in my life, I am admitting to myself and to others that dieting and losing weight is very hard work. I use to want to believe that if I could just get to a certain point in a diet, it would be easy and second nature. Sometimes it almost feels that way, but that feeling isn't permanent, it is elusive at best!Discipline has a horrible ring to it, and nobody wants to feel that they have to build discipline in order to get to goal. But it is a reality that must be accepted. It takes discipline to make it all the way and to stay there too. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. It's all in the mindset. I had to have discipline in the workforce to get projects done on time, why not use it for weight-loss?When it is something that has to be done, then it's best to take it on as a project. Develop it, adjust it, work with it until is finished. It can be tiring, frustrating and all the mixed emotions that go with it. But the end result can be so pleasing! A feeling of accomplishment.I have been having a horrible time of managing my calorie intake while here at my parents. I have had 3 days in excess of 2000 calories! I am letting stress and old issues get to me. And eating/drinking is costing me physically and emotionally. I am actually craving to get back to my safety zone....the one where I take my diet, my self, my life, my health seriously.You know, I can't even comprehend what will happen when I get to goal. I know what happened last time, but I was so much younger then. I can already see my body is not the same, that I am aging. I won't be the sexy and attractive lady I once was. I have lots of fears about being a baggy, saggy old woman. I have no idea of what my style will be when I can wear normal sized clothing again. I have no idea if my husband will find me sexually attractive. It's like this huge, complete unknown. So why bother venturing into what I fear? It's certainly easier to hide behind fat and food.Something in me, deep down inside, is crying to get out of this miserable obesity. I hate waddling when I walk. I feel vacant when I can't recognise myself in a mirror. I can't stand the humiliation of not fitting into a booth in a restaurant and having to ask for a table. And people rarely touch me. I don't get hugs and kisses which makes me feel repulsive. I feel like a hideously deformed human being, with only me knowing there is more inside that others cannot see. And I am to blame for that....I hide beneath my layers of protective fat. I have a daily choice to stay this way or to change it. Each day is mine to choose how it will be. Today I choose to care about me. I will take a shower, get dressed, eat calorie portioned meals and get on with life. One day, I will be a normal weight. Perhaps nothing miraculous will happen. I doubt I will hear fanfare, I doubt bells will ring. It could be no one will even notice. Yet, even if nothing spectacular comes of it, staying obese is like my soul is suffocating. I must make this day work.Just thinking out loud.Ann HStarted 09/01/09307/260/155 poundsMy Weightloss Journal:http://threeherring.wordpress.com/

[Guest guest]

Hey! I know exactly what you mean also. In the first paige of my Journal I wrote

this...

First steps are the hardest...

BUT I CAN DO IT!

I am My own Encouragment!

I am changing for my Health

my Future

and MY HAPPINESS!!!

Love,

I have found that when I try to loose the weight to make others happy, when i

get mad at them... i gain it all back. Just hang in there, and keep believing in

yourself.

[Guest guest]

Excuse my language but Holy Shit! You said it ALL!!! And you said it exactly

the way I feel.

fireangel...in tears...obviously I need to think long and hard about this!

> You know, I can't even comprehend what will happen when I get to goal. I know

what happened last time, but I was so much younger then. I can already see my

body is not the same, that I am aging. I won't be the sexy and attractive lady

I once was. I have lots of fears about being a baggy, saggy old woman. I have

no idea of what my style will be when I can wear normal sized clothing again. I

have no idea if my husband will find me sexually attractive. It's like this

huge, complete unknown. So why bother venturing into what I fear? It's

certainly easier to hide behind fat and food.

>

> Something in me, deep down inside, is crying to get out of this miserable

obesity. I hate waddling when I walk. I feel vacant when I can't recognise

myself in a mirror. I can't stand the humiliation of not fitting into a booth

in a restaurant and having to ask for a table. And people rarely touch me. I

don't get hugs and kisses which makes me feel repulsive. I feel like a

hideously deformed human being, with only me knowing there is more inside that

others cannot see. And I am to blame for that....I hide beneath my layers of

protective fat.

>

> I have a daily choice to stay this way or to change it. Each day is mine to

choose how it will be. Today I choose to care about me. I will take a shower,

get dressed, eat calorie portioned meals and get on with life. One day, I will

be a normal weight. Perhaps nothing miraculous will happen. I doubt I will

hear fanfare, I doubt bells will ring. It could be no one will even notice.

Yet, even if nothing spectacular comes of it, staying obese is like my soul is

suffocating. I must make this day work.

>

> Just thinking out loud.

>

> Ann H

> Started 09/01/09

> 307/260/155 pounds

> My Weightloss Journal:

> http://threeherring.wordpress.com/

>