shutting down the fat girl

December 11, 2006

Lately I've noticed that I live my life like a " fat girl " . Being fat

isn't just how I look, but who I have made myself into. I'm boring,

shy, extremely reserved, self concious, and sheltered. My every

thought and action is that of a fat girl. And I am sick of it! This

is not the person that I want to be! I want to be bold and

adventurous. I want to have lots of friends and hobbies. I want to

get out in the world and do things, to actually experience the game

instead of sitting on the sidelines waiting for my chance to play.

Today I went into the fitness center at my apartment building. It's

usually empty during the day, so that is when I go in there. I

started walking on the treadmill and about 5 minutes into my workout

some people came in. It was a couple and they were both skinny. The

minute that they walked in my heart rate jumped (the treadmill has a

heart rate monitor on it)! I paniced. I told myself that I would

cut the workout short. I would leave after 10 minutes instead of my

planned 15 minutes. I have been trying to start out slow an work my

way up to 30 minutes a day. But I didn't want to be in there with

these people so I was going to stop early. After about 5 minutes the

people left. It was like they came in there just to look around and

check it out then they decided to leave. I was so releived! But

then it hit me... that was a fat girl reaction. The fat girl within

me was telling me to stop exercising so that I didn't have to feel

embarrassed in front of people. That fat girl mindset is what caused

me to get fat in the first place, and now it's what is keeping me

that way! I instantly got MAD at myself for letting the fat girl

take controll. I used that fresh surge of anger and cranked up the

volume on my cd player. I blasted the music and turned up the speed

on the treadmill. I kept exercising, bringing the workout up to 35

minutes instead of the planned 15! I realized that this whole time I

was only working out for 10-15 minutes because I had been telling

myself that I couldn't handle 30 minutes yet. But I was wrong! I

CAN handle it! I didn't even try before I decided that I couldn't!

It was the fat girl mentality that has been holding me down this

whole time that was causing me to underestimate myself! But today I

told the fat girl within to shove off and let me live my life the way

that I want to. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my

shoulders because now I can recognize when it's the fat girl talking

and I know that I can shut her up and take controll back from her!

Now if I could just learn how to keep her quiet in the first place

that would be great! LOL -moonmayden

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