Re: I can feel it coming :P

[Guest guest]

> (here's where I need to take a deep breath )

Family visits sure can be the pits!

> If no one notices, I know it's going to get to me.

Sometimes it's better to not stick out, to fade into the woodwork. Don't let

their opinions color *your* life! If you already know they're not going to

notice, stop thinking about it. In fact, OA has a saying, " What other people

think of me is none of my business. "

> Then, there are a few who probably will say something, but it'll be

> followed with advice. Not just a little advice, either...long, drawn

> out, 'here's how you do it' kind of advice.

Cut them off fast with lines like " Well, my doctor is happy with my

progress " and " The way I'm going now appears to be working just fine, but

thanks for your thoughts, anyway. " These aren't mine - Dr. Doug Lisle,

author of The Pleasure Trap, mentions them on a video he did.

> I can feel the stress settling in already--it's 3.5 weeks away. When

> I start thinking about it, I want to eat.

I know it's hard, but stop thinking baout it. You *know* they're ignorant

hicks, so why do you expect them to change? One of my husband's few living

relatives is an 80+ year old aunt that we refer to as the aunt form hell. We

know every time we go there she's going to spend the entire afternoon

picking every person she knows to shreds, including us. I used to fight back

with her, and all that did was raise my own blood pressure, because the next

day she would forget all about it. Now I don't fall into her trap but just

let her rant and rave, agree with everything she says, and when we leave,

everyone is happy.

> Please, does anyone have some thoughts/advice on how to get through

> the next few weeks leading up to the trip as well as the trip itself?

Silent meditation and prayer! LOL

And teach your kids some self-defense tricks, or at least a few good hiding

places from their cousins.

Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

I finally figured out last year that one of my BIG emotional triggersis going back to see my DH's family. It's a long, complicatedstory...let's just say I don't always feel welcome (and that's puttingit sooooo mildly). And there was a lot of stress there before we hadchildren, now it's even worse because there's a little cousin rightbetween my little guys' ages who is a holy terror. What's worse? Hecan do no wrong. He literally came after my oldest with a baseballbat last time we were out and they're laughing about what a boy he is.Um, mine are boys and they're not allowed to behave like wild animals.HA, It sounds like you and I have the same inlaws:) My kids would do something one day and they were the kids from hell. Her's do the same thing 3 days later and its hilarous. I think it is just the curse of the inlaws. All familys have it. Just wait till your children grow up responsible and theirs cant stand on their own two feet. See who gets the greatest satifaction then:)(here's where I need to take a deep breath )So...here's what is going through my mind. I've lost significant weightsince last seeing them (July 2005 most of them, saw three overChristmas). If no one notices, I know it's going to get to me. Andit shouldn't, I know that. ESPECIALLY when I know that at least 3 or4 people back there will refuse to say anything just so it DOES get tome! And I should mention that my mother-in-law, while here overChristmas, said, "Oh? You've lost weight? Are you sure?"Like you said they will notice! They may not say nothing but they will notice. Just laugh inside knowing they notice and its eating at them like the worse kind of cancer:)Then, there are a few who probably will say something, but it'll befollowed with advice. Not just a little advice, either...long, drawnout, 'here's how you do it' kind of advice. Nevermind the fact thatI've lost this much--must be doing *something* right, y'know?Tell em you're happy with how you are doing it. You're seeing success. I can feel the stress settling in already--it's 3.5 weeks away. WhenI start thinking about it, I want to eat. I have overcome so muchsince I started this journey back in September...I don't want this toruin everything.Think right the opposite. Think about how you know they will notice. You know its eating them up alive:) I'm sorry to say this but sometimes I get great pleasure in making them squirm.I know I shouldn't be that way but after all I have been though it seems like justice to me.Don't get me wrong I love these people in a strange kind of way but at the same time I really dont like them neither.Well thats not right either...I know I'm not making sense. I love them but sometimes I just want to put that cake in their face. I know I'm not making sense.Please, does anyone have some thoughts/advice on how to get throughthe next few weeks leading up to the trip as well as the trip itself?I will be able to go to the YMCA back there as often as I'd like,they honor all memberships from other states. I have that in mycorner. Somehow I have to get my brain thinking the right way,though. It won't do me any good to gain back--and it's SO not worthit to let them upset me that much.Just keep smiling and show them you are happy. Its the best thing you can do. Trust me, by the time you leave....you will be smiling for real:)Anyway, any ideas are appreciated!-Bonnie

[Guest guest]

Why are you going if it's so horrible? Let DH go see his family. You stay

home for a nice, relaxing vacation. We need to take control of our lives

and stop letting other people make us miserable. Screw obligations. You

need to take care of yourself and your family. That does not include having

to see dh's relatives if they are going to be abusive. You can stop the

cycle!

Ann

[Guest guest]

Sue, you always help me when I'm in difficult situations--thank you so

much!

The OA saying is going to be helpful. Could I join OA online? People

on this list have mentioned things from OA every now and again, and it

sounds so helpful. And sometimes it *is* best to blend into the

woodwork. Thank you for reminding me

> Silent meditation and prayer! LOL

*lol* I'm going to the library tonight to get more books about

meditation. Have you read any of the books on Buddhism or teachings

from the Dalai Lama? Although I'm not Buddhist, the readings have

brought me a lot of peace. I'm still working on it, though

Thanks again, Sue!

-Bonnie

[Guest guest]

Hi Bonnie -- I can sympathize about having to visit the in-laws. While mine don't sound as bad as yours, I still get stressed out when I have to go visit mine. Do you stay with the in-laws when you visit? Do you have any control over the food that is served? Any control over your time & schedule? One of the things that has helped me is that I accept my in-laws for who they are. I'm not going to change them. I can't control their behavior -- but I can control how I respond to them. I also no longer stay at their home. We get a room at the local motel. It is just best for all of us if I have some separation from MIL. It does help that my husband supports & backs me up in this. But, I am also concerned about your children & their safety.

There was a time that we left our children with their grandmother while we had to go somewhere. Grandma lives on a farm. All of the cousins were there -- and decided to do some target practice with the bow & arrows -- WITHOUT any adult supervision. I was furious. MIL knew it. Everyone knew it. My sons were not going to be allowed to be on the farm without my husband, myself or 's sister or her husband. There HAD to be a responsible adult supervising what they were doing. My husband didn't understand, but he did agree to back me up. He knew me well enough to know that this was not going to be something that I was going to compromise on. That was 5 years ago. My boys are older now. And they do visit their grandmother on the farm again. But it took about 2 years before I would agree for them to visit without one of us along with them. You

may need to tell your husband, his family right up front that if there is even the potential for harm to your children, you will pack up and leave -- and then be willing to do it. It may take only once for that to happen to get their attention. Dacia <>< For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

[Guest guest]

(((Bonnie))), Now you know the trigger - and you have 3 weeks to come up with a game plan. That's good. You know you're a good person who deserves good things. You know you're succeding in your plans. I know it's easy to say let it roll of your back but under the been there done that heading it's not easy. Not to mention - you've been busting your butt and it's discouraging when people don't recognize your hard work. Accept that you'll get little / none support or encouragement from those people. Don't let them steal your joy. When they annoy you - jump on the car and go to the Y. Don't give them the satisfaction of getting to you. brgk44 <brgk44@...> wrote: I finally figured out last year that one of my BIG emotional triggers is going back to see my DH's family. It's a long, complicated

story...let's just say I don't always feel welcome (and that's puttingit sooooo mildly). And there was a lot of stress there before we had children, now it's even worse because there's a little cousin right If no one notices, I know it's going to get to me. And it shouldn't, I know that. ESPECIALLY when I know that at least 3 or4 people back there will refuse to say anything just so it DOES get to me! And I should mention that my mother-in-law, while here over Christmas, said, "Oh? You've lost weight? Are you sure?" Then, there are a few who probably will say something, but it'll befollowed with advice. Not just a little advice, either...long, drawn out, 'here's how you do it' kind of advice. Nevermind the fact that I've lost this much--must be doing *something* right, y'know? I can feel the stress settling in already--it's 3.5 weeks away. When I start thinking about it, I want to eat. I have overcome so much

since I started this journey back in September.I don't want this to ruin everything.Please, does anyone have some thoughts/advice on how to get through the next few weeks leading up to the trip as well as the trip itself? I will be able to go to the YMCA back there as often as I'd like, they honor all memberships from other states. I have that in mycorner. Somehow I have to get my brain thinking the right way, though. It won't do me any good to gain back--and it's SO not worth it to let them upset me that much. Anyway, any ideas are appreciated!-BonnieLive, Love, Laugh

[Guest guest]

Man do I so understand the IN LAW thing. BUT we have to remember that they are hubbys family. BUT he should support you when you dont feel comfortable. SWEET revenge. Work hard on YOU YOU YOU YOU. GO there with your head held HIGH. LOOKING great. You know it. Hubby knows it and that is all that matters. Arrange for some venting time while there. Whether it is you and hubby going on a date while there OR plan something just for you and the immediate family. If hubby would do it and you really dont want to go I say stay home. BUT then they would not be able to see the NEW you. How about a new outfit?

NH... Mom to Abby Liz 10/94 Anne 7/99

[Guest guest]

Girl the words I am thinking I cant say on this list BUT just let it go. My favorite saying and it is something I say daily... "put it in a bubble and blow" I do that with so much, just blow it off. be proud of what you have done and what you are doing and dont let them ruin that. It will get their goat more if they think its not bothering you! I hate my in laws too. (Really long story) but just hang in there. Remember put it in the bubble and blow!!

[Guest guest]

> My favorite saying and it is something I say daily...

> " put it in a bubble and blow "

I've heard something similar, but it wasn't a bubble where I was told to

shove something. ;^)

> I hate my in laws too. (Really long story) but just hang in there.

I guess I'm fairly lucky that most of my in-laws have already died. Hubby

only has one aunt left and 2 cousins, and we haven't seen the cousins in

over 20 years. On my side, my stepmom is easing herself out of the picture

now that my dad is dead almost a year, and I have 2 brothers, one that

nobody has seen in almost 30 years and the other one I'll get an email from

maybe twice a year under good circumstances. Of my 5 cousins, I saw one

about 5 years ago at a grand-uncle's wake, some of the others at my

grandmother's funeral 17 years ago, the rest not since we were kids, about

45 years ago. 2 of those cousins didn't even attend their own father's

funeral.

Sue in NJ

[Guest guest]

My parent inlaws have NEVER been good, but the cousins and Aunts are mostly all ok. I dont mind them. My family is almost all dead but my birth Mom (Called my grand ma mom for years) but my Mom and 2 uncles are all the blood family I have left living, and then their partners and children. Of course if I didnt have the inlaws to add drama I wonder how boring life would be hahahaha

[Guest guest]

*lol* Myssi, I'm with you there!

> Of course if I didnt have the inlaws to add drama I wonder how

boring life would be hahahaha